I think I'll preface this post by reiterating the fact that this blog follows my story.
In other words, as with any story you may read, you will like some aspects of a plot or character, dislike other aspects, feel one emotion, and then another, it all depends on where you are "coming from" as to what your "response" to the story will be. And as much as - well, just as much as anyone, I guess - I want to be liked, I'm not writing coming from that place - the likability place - I'm writing about the truth of my life as it happens (or as near as it happens as I can).
I would love to gloss over some one part of my story, or sugar-coat some other part, but - as best I can - I don't. I can't. This is my journey. It's the one I'm on. And sometimes you just may wish that I'd do this or that different because you'd do it different, but I'm not you, I'm me and I've got to live my life how I think, not how anyone else thinks. That may sound like a real selfish thing to say... maybe it is, or maybe it's just the absolute truth.
I suppose what I want to say is: I'm telling you a lot about me. I'm opening myself up. I'm writing as honest an account of my life on this "journey" as I can. And I know when you do that - when your telling someone your inner-truth - that that's usually when people do judge you, that's when they can critique your life as an outsider looking in. So, I'm not exactly sure I want to write all of what I'm about to tell you, but I think I should because, like I said, it's my story, my truth, and it's all a part of this journey I have set out on...
See, I'm just so frustrated right now. My OV Watch indicated that I would be ovulating on Sunday (yesterday). It gave me a nice head start, letting me know that my Fertile Days 1-4 were Wednesday - Saturday, culminating with Ovulation Day 1 on Sunday and Ovulation Day 2 today.
So, my mind was like, your ovulation is happening on a weekend, you can find a guy to have sex with either Friday, Saturday or Sunday?! I had just written a post on how I've NEVER had the opportunity of even having sex when I was actually ovulating! I was definitely on a MISSION to at least try to have sex for one time in my life while I actually knew - like, positively! - that I was fertile!
Well, as it has happened - though I haven't had the time (or maybe even the inclination) to mentioned it - that one guy from this post came back into my life a month ago (I'll put up a screenshot of our "convo" in my next post) and I thought, why not see what he's doing Friday... maybe it'll lead to "something." Then I was like, but if not him, there were these two other Tinder guys that I had been corresponding with a lot and had come to like, as well, and they were definitely on my "radar" - and I seemingly was on theirs - and, I told myself, you can see if the one wants to "hook up" Saturday night (because they had been wanting to) and if the first falls through, then just be like - Next! - and go on to the other one.
With all those thoughts racing through my mind, I set out on my "plan of action" (okay, and this is where you can judge, judge, judge away!). I wasn't sure what, if anything, I was going to tell them! I was thinking, you know, it's up to all individuals involved in a sexual relationship to take responsibility for the consequences of having sex. Guys should know by now that if that don't want a "mistake" they need to take their own precautions for that not to happen. I definitely wasn't going to lie to them, but I wasn't going to be making any announcements regarding my intentions either.
Hell, they were going to be using me for their own purposes as much as I was using them for mine. Yes, I know, mine would have more "repercussions" but I wasn't going to take anything more from them than what they were giving me. I was just going to see what, if anything, could happen; let the chips fall where they may. See what the "Universe" had in mind! Like, if there was a miracle swirling around me to just grab onto!
Ugh! The "Universe!" Like, it didn't have anything in mind (well, it probably had a lot in mind, just none of it being anything I wanted!)! Everyone of the guys I had wanted fell through for one reason or another (and it was close!)! None of those guys was supposed to be the father of my child!
I mean, I'm still not going to judge what I was planning as being wrong. Throughout history guys have had children that they didn't plan on having. And, like I said, it's their responsibility to make sure they don't have kids if they don't want to be having kids (same goes for the girl)! I just have that Fate kind of attitude... like, if it happens then it supposed to happen. This time it wasn't supposed to happen.
But, yeah, I'm not gonna lie... I feel like it is such a waste! It's such a waste of a human egg... it's like, that egg developed with the intention of having some sperm come at it... and yet, not one sperm even got close to it!
*Deep sigh* I feel like I've been super blessed to still be ovulating every month and so, yeah, it's real frustrating to think that even though I'm potentially capable of having a baby I can't get the chance if I don't have a guy to make it with me...
Well, some guy - and I don't know who he might be - is coming my way... I don't know what has to transpire for him to find me, but it must already be in the works... good lord, I have to believe that it is already in the works... I suppose what I need to do more than anything is just quit trying to set a "plan of action" in motion and let the action just come find me exactly when and how it's supposed to... I just gotta quit worrying and know that everything will work out... every thing.
 |
| Even though my ovulation is on Cycle Day 18 both my GP and Chinese acupuncturist think that's okay... they're are both like, as long as your ovulating you're doing okay! |
No comments:
Post a Comment