Still

 "I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit." ~ Dawna Markova

I'm still "here" if you can believe it. It's crazy that I haven't given into defeat; quit; stopped believing, yelled, no mas! It's also a little frustrating! : )

It's just that I still have the two immature eggs and one GVC (germinal vesicle cell) frozen and my menstrual blood, too. 

I'm not really prepared to write a long post now - I *randomly* was looking for a post I didn't find - but I do very much want and need to continue to tell this story until there is nothing left to say. Unfortunately - fortunately! - science is progressing more rapidly in regenerative medicine than even I could have conceived.

Where to Go, How to Get There?

"When the world says, "Give up,"

Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' "

~ Unknown 

Hmm...I'm not even sure how to write what I want to say. And I think the reason I feel that way is because of judgement. Other people's judgement. After all these years you'd think I would be free of caring what other people think about my life and the choices I make for it. In this moment, I am free of caring. But in order to write my truths I have to think about me and set other people to the side.

I haven't written a post lately because I didn't really have much to say. Plus, after my mom died I had to move - within 6 months - from her house to a rental (the house I own next to my moms still had tenants on a lease agreement) and, unbeknownst to me, my rental was a horror house of mold! It always smelled musty but I didn't think how that could affect my health: extremely adversely.

*Deep sigh* at 60 I don't feel any differently about what I want than I ever did - big but - but I've had to have the talk with myself about my future. And what I finally feel able to do, is let go; to fully and freely let go. What that means for me is that I can make it through the rest of my life alone. 

I've been on my own for so much of my life and I know I don't like it - I'm a Libra with Venus in Libra, for crying out loud! - it's why I moved back to be with my mom after my dad died. At that time it wasn't for my mom, it was for me. Being alone is not easy. So it's the thought of, can I make it through the rest of life - even if that means 40 more years! - on my own? And my answer is: yes. Yes, I can do it... life goes by so fast anyway! 

But wait! What I didn't do is quit! When God is in the picture there is no room to quit. God brings ANYTHING - any possibility - into the realm of "reality." How old was Abraham's wife Sarah when she laughed at God for telling her that her old and barren body would produce an offspring? God is always the unknown variable in any situation. Plus, I can't quit because I still have the 2 immature eggs and the GVC (germinal vesicle cell) - the GVC the doctor said was useless to get - still cryopreserved. But science needs to catch up in being able to coax those eggs into maturity. And I believe the science will do that in the next 2-3 years. Yes, that makes me even older to have a chance to fertilize them, but that's the journey.

When a child is born they wouldn't survive without the help of someone; then they become a toddler and they still need to survive but they're becoming more independent-minded every day. At about 15 or 16 they're usually still under the parent's roof but they are more and more physically and mentally "out the door." At 17 I left for college. I did go back to "visit" home on breaks, but it felt more like, that's where I grew up versus that's where I live. So, my parents had me and nurtured me for 17 years at which time I left them to have my own journey in life. I'm explaining this because if God did do something crazy and I got pregnant at 62, I would have a good 17 years with my child and I would be 79 when my child "left for good." Based on how my mom did, she had a mental "hiccup" around 79, but then she was self-sufficient until her fall at 86. She lived a harder life by 88, but did it beautifully until she was 93. So, if I were to live to the age of my mom my child would be 30 years old when I died. They could easily be married with children by then. *sigh* I just want to do whatever comes my way at whatever age it may arrive.

I am letting go. I think I've realistically looked at a potential future life of not attaining my dreams and said, it's not what I want; it would be hard, but life FLIES by and I am strong enough to make the most of whatever journey I am given. But God will decide how it ends.

Georgiana

"If there is anything better than to be loved, it is loving." ~ Anonymous

My mom, never known by her birth name - Georgiana - died. It's been near six months since her death January 11, 2023 at age 92 3/4 years old. I'm still deep in mourning. 

The following is the eulogy I gave at her funeral. I'm posting it here because it tells as clearly as can be "summed up" my relationship with my mom.

Mom’s Eulogy entitled, “Cats and Chair Legs”

Hi, my name is L. My friends call me ____ or just L. I’m the sixth of my parent’s seven children. I want to thank you all today for taking the time to come - from near and far - to honor our mother - legally known as, Georgiana _____ - but aka Georgia Ann ____. 

I remember writing the eulogy for my dad. I thought it would be hard to do, but I wanted to do it. And now I’m here again because I want to be. But this time, it’s harder. So much harder.  

I thought I had had deep love for both my mom and dad and my grandma, too! They were my everything. 

But I realize now, I didn’t know how high the level of love goes. I didn’t know what the ultimate kind of love was. I didn’t know the kind of love where I would do something incredibly hard, but say, when my mom asked if it was hard, “No, it was EASY!” I didn’t know the kind of love where, you could feel like you were drowning, but you threw the only life jacket to the other person and when asked if you were okay, you’d say, “Yeah, I’m fine!” I didn’t know that kind of love before.

But I do know - and have for years - that it would be hard to love someone more deeply than I loved our mom. And yet it wasn’t always that way. We have to go back a bit.

I was 4 years old. And I had 5 siblings older than me. But my mom would say to me, every so often, “You’re the one that’s going to take care of me when I’m old!” Repeat, “You’re the one that’s going to take care of me when I’m old.” And *sigh* I think by age 10 I figured out that, NO WAY! No way did I want to take care of my mom when she was old! I probably finally told her I didn’t want to take care of her and I wasn’t gonna take care of her! And she never said those words to me again. Ever.

And then with my teens years, of butting heads with her and being the brat I was, she probably was like, “I’m NEVER going to let L take care of me when I’m old!” 😂 

But God had his plan. His Plan is the one that IS GOING TO BE. There’s no way around it… I’ve actually tried!

So re-wind to what seems like a thousand years! 

I moved back to _____ in 2007 to live with my mom. And it wasn’t for me to take care of her. It was because I was lonely and had been on my own for longer than I could ever have fathomed. I needed the companionship; I needed the love! I needed her. 

And I wish I could say it was all smooth sailing, but it wasn’t. My mom had a lot on her plate… of which I knew nothing at the time. And, ultimately, she had a breakdown that I wasn’t sure she could recover from. I remember a psychiatric social worker saying to me, “The mother you had may be gone; this (crazy person!) might be your “new” mom!” And I fought that idea like a crazy person! 

I didn’t know how it would be done - how she would get from a psychotic breakdown back to her normal self - only that I was gonna be in the fight to make all the positives I could, happen. And that year of her recovery was the hardest year of my life. Much harder than anything that I have had to do for my mom in these last 6 years - and we’ve gone through some pretty tough times in these years too. 

But the one thing I promised my mom then - at the beginning of 2009 - was that I would take care of her for the rest of her life! I want to laugh because what my mom had said when I was 4 years old was manifesting into reality 50 some odd years later. But I said to her, “I promise, I will take care of you for the rest of your life!” And I kept my promise. 

But at the time I made that promise I had no idea that I would be bestowed the greatest kind of HONOR! 

That God was BLESSING ME with the most amazing GIFT!

That He was allowing me the PRIVILEGE of taking care of my momma. 

And not only did I get the gift of taking care of her! I got a twofer in the process! Because by honoring my mother, I honored my father… who had treasured her most! 

In my dad’s eulogy I read a poem by W.H. Auden and the poem describes just how drastically a loss feels and says, “The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the Sun, Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods; because nothing now can ever be as good.” 

And, *sigh* it was  true… But what I found, the longer I cared for my mother, was that losing her, for me, has been way more than just a, packing up of the moon and dismantling the sun… it feels more like, why not just take the galaxy apart while you’re at it! 

It’s a physical pain to no longer have that person around that has been loved so deeply, and so long, by so many. For my sisters - Le, C. and K. - to no longer have tea-time with our mom; to not have our mom join them to say their loving prayers. For Leeny to be somewhere in the world not be able to call just to hear her mom’s voice. For Le to no longer watch Jeopardy! with our mom and win against the tight competition. For my brothers - P.M. and P. - to no longer have a mother to drop in on. And for Chris to come over to visit before the girls came filing in. 

But, Chris, let me just tell you this, when I would ask mom… later, “How’d your visit with Chris go?” She’d tell it straight as can be. She’d say, “He fell asleep!” And then she’d add, “and he snored!” And my mom would continue by saying, “I just LOVE to hear him sleeping; I love to hear him snoring!” *sigh* lol! So, people, NEVER underestimate the power of your presence with an elderly parent. They can listen to you breathe - have you fall asleep on them! - and they will still be happy; they will still be so glad that you are there with them!

And, for myself, these years - the years of taking care of my mom getting older have, like I said, been a privilege I would never have fathomed. To get to know my mom; to get to love on my mom; to get to be “two peas in a pod” with her has been the greatest joy of my life. 

And our mom was tough! K. and I like the term “well-fortified” in regards to our momma… or as K. would say, “my Mams!” But Mam’s toughness wasn’t just a physical toughness but more importantly, it was a mental and spiritual toughness. Mam’s was mentally and spiritually well-fortified! And if God blesses us - her legacy! - with just some of that well-fortified mental or spiritual toughness it will be a gift we all should appreciate. 

With my mom whatever conversation she didn’t have with people during the day, trust me, at 3:00am her Chatty Cathy would come out. I’d say to her, why are you talk’n about all this now - in the middle of the night - when we had all afternoon together and you coulda said anything? And she was like, “Well, I wasn’t think’n of it then! 

And my mom was the most creative, imaginative dreamer I have ever known. I had a monitor in my room for her to call me and I found out, nearly every night was gonna be a great - tiring, maybe - but a GREAT adventure! 

One time, she called me on the monitor to help me get her out of the bath tub. It was 2:00am. I always tried to “air traffic” control those calls. Like, you’re fine use Runway 3 it’s wide open with a soft bed to land on!” I’d say, you’re not in the bathtub you’re in your bed. She wouldn’t believe me. So that was a, go upstairs and figure it out situation. 

When I got to her and laid on the bed next to her, I used my reason and logic skills to persuade her she wasn’t in the bath tub. I said, what’s your head laying on right now? You feel that? And she replied, “A pillow.” So I’d say, do think you’d have a pillow in the bathtub? And she’d say, “Oh, that’s a great idea!”  When I put the soft, fleece blanket against her skin, I’d ask can you feel that warm, fleece blanket on your face? And she’d be like, “What a wonderful wash cloth!” Like, there was nothing I was gonna do or say - and I kept trying! - to make her think in real terms - her logic and reasoning skill wasn’t losing out to mine that night, that’s for sure. So I took the L… I took the loss on that one! 

Another time in the middle of the night when I went up to give her water I asked, Whatchya been do’n? She answered, “Just taking a walk on the beach… in _____… with Grace Kelly! I was like, the Princess of Monaco? And, she was like, yes, of course. 

And then there was a middle of the night dream that involved being in Japan, a Lamborghini, my dad’s long feet, and short shoes. A dream that my mom would remember every detail of in the afternoon and laugh at all over again. As Kathleen can attest, my mom laughed at that dream being brought up for near a year! 

She dreamed of her sons and daughters and grandkids and great-grandkids and all of them were just too interesting; and amazingly detailed. P.M., S___ and Sa___ get’n shut down for gambling in Miami at 11:30 pm, then on the run up north where I guess my mom got involved at 3:00 am; the police surrounded them - they couldn’t go anywhere anyway the car was shot up with BB guns and wouldn’t work… that was right there between the Krispy Kreme and the Walgreens on ____ and _____. For that one I said, “Listen, mom, everything’s gonna be alright. And because you weren’t really instigating all the crime maybe they’ll give you… and I couldn’t think of the word I wanted to say… I was like, you know the word when you aren’t so responsible? and my mom said, “Clemency?” And I’m like, “Yeah, that’s it! They’ll probably give you clemency! “Jeopardy! Points” My mom dreamed that dream for 3 1/2 hours!

Our routine was 7:00pm supper and dessert. Then our loving CNA’s getting her to bed. And afterward that’s when I would find my way into her darkened room and lay down on her bed next to her and I would rest my left hand on her right ear - so she was cradled, and I’d find my “spot” where my forehead would be resting against her face. And we would have what we ultimately called Cuddle Time! And at first, when it started it was purely done for my mom. Because in my heart, I wanted my mom to fall asleep each night feeling PEACE; feeling LOVED; and feeling HONORED. And I think she did.

But then Cuddle Time turned out to be what we both looked forward to because, ultimately, I couldn’t help but feel the love returned. And my soul and spirit needed that, too! 

I have a prayer I want to say, but before that, I want to explain the title of this eulogy. “Cats and Chair Legs”

In the beginning I spoke about levels of love. And during Cuddle Time my level of love got tested. Because when I held my mom gently, like I mentioned previously, it was sweet and comforting. But all of the sudden she’d turn her forehead into mine and it kinda felt like she was burrowing her forehead into me. And the first time it happened, I didn’t know exactly what was going on, but then I got back into my “spot” and she burrowed into me again! And it finally kind of dawned on me and I said to her, “Mom! You are NOT a CAT and I am NOT a CHAIR LEG!” And *sigh* then I would scratch where she wanted scratched and we would get back to our Cuddle Time. But so many Cuddle Time nights my mom would continue to be the cat and continue to try and use me as the chair leg. Until, ultimately, it happened so naturally, we both got to laugh at my mom being the Cat and me being the Chair Leg! 

So, finally we come to the following prayer by John Henry Cardinal Newman written March 7, 1848 which is one that I - and my mom - hold dear. The prayer both reminds us of hope and gives us faith, and it reminds us of faith and gives us hope.

"Hope in God—Creator"

"God knows me and calls me by my name.…

God has created me to do Him some definite service;

He has committed some work to me

which He has not committed to another.

I have my mission—I never may know it in this life,

but I shall be told it in the next.

Somehow I am necessary for His purposes…

I have a part in this great work;

I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection

between persons.

He has not created me for naught. I shall do good,

I shall do His work;

I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth

in my own place, while not intending it,

if I do but keep His commandments

and serve Him in my calling.

Therefore I will trust Him.

Whatever, wherever I am,

I can never be thrown away.

If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him;

In perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him;

If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him.

My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be

necessary causes of some great end,

which is quite beyond us.

He does nothing in vain; He may prolong my life,

He may shorten it;

He knows what He is about.

He may take away my friends,

He may throw me among strangers,

He may make me feel desolate,

make my spirits sink, hide the future from me—

still He knows what He is about.…

Let me be Thy blind instrument. I ask not to see—

I ask not to know—I ask simply to be used."

BE IN JOY MOMMA! UNTIL WE MEET WITH YOU AGAIN… IN JOY ! 

__________

So as I said, it has been nearly six months since I lost my mom. It has been insanely hard because there was only one prayer I would pray to God regarding my mom dying. I said, "God, please don't let it be something I do or don't do that causes my mom to die." I prayed that prayer because I knew - as the sensitive soul I am - that I would be devastated to have to handle that kind of blame or guilt. And God, as he so often does, ignored my prayer! I have felt like I failed my mother. You can ask anyone that knew how I caregived for her and every single person will say something like, you gave her an extra 10 years of living; you didn't fail her. Heck, my mom would say that I didn't fail her! But it doesn't matter what they say, how good I know I loved and took care of my mom, in my head it's "factual" that I failed her. I can say, I wasn't the only one who failed her - there were plenty of failures by the hospital and the staff from the get-go that I feel failed her, too - but I was the only one that had prayed that prayer to God to not let it be something I did or didn't do... that caused her to die. You can read this and feel like, wow, she was 92 3/4 years old, it seems like she lived a long and happy life! But, in my mind, it's not the age - if it was a 2 year old I would feel the same way - it was the belief that her death was a *needless* death. In other words, I did not - still don't! - think she *had* to die then. I think she had the perfect storm of so many things out of her control - be it via me, the hospital or its staff (my dad used to say, "If you can make it out of hospital alive, you're doing something right!) - that her fighting to live... which she was... was an up-hill battle. 

So that brings me to now. My mom had, in 2014, amended her Will to allow me six months to live in our home - the home of my childhood - before I needed to move out. And now that six months is up just days away. I will be moving to a rental unit on July 11th and hope not to stay there for more than a year. I bought the house next door to my mom six years ago but have had it rented out while I lived with her. 

And, part of the reason why I wanted to share my mom and my story is because it ultimately does relate to my age and still wanting - going to be trying (I had dropped off it for the last year) again - to have the family of my own I have always dreamed of... and why I started this blog in the first place. I'll write more about the *significance* of our story and my Dreaming Miracles "journey" in my next post. 

Following is a short video clip of me and my mom over the years... 

What’s Another Year?

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." ~ Thomas Edison

I see - as I'm coming to write a new post - that I wrote the following, but never submitted it. Might as well do it now! I mean, for me, it still states my feelings perfectly!

Me - September 30, 2022 - 1 1/2 hours before I go from age 58 to age 59! Most anyone would say, what does a new year age number matter? I think most often it doesn’t… until you get to my age and you’re still wanting the husband and biological children you wished for nearly 40 years ago! It’s like, what do you do? What do you say? Everyone has their life going “normal” and you’re still dreaming miracles!

But you know what I tell myself - even when the people I most hope would support me with encouragement and well wishes… very obviously… don’t? - this is my Life! I don’t need the support; encouragement; well-wishes of anyone! I’m here to live my Life the way I dream it; the way I want it! If people I would hope would “be there for me” aren’t, no worries, mate! I've got a whole Life, you can’t possibly imagine, to live! A whole life there’s no way you could even appreciate because it’s too far away from your own at this juncture in LIFE! 

Listening to Hope

 "When the world says, "Give up,"

Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' " 

~ Unknown

So, I'm just going to post screenshots of the rest of the relevant correspondence I had with my fertility doctor, but really more importantly the fertility lab doctor. 

And I'm sure the more sane you are, the more insane I may seem to you (if that hadn't taken place already!) as I do mention some "futuristic" ideas that have - and still do - roll around in my head. 

But I have decided that whatever "projects" I do, to try - like, put my thought and effort into (and if you've learned anything at all about me reading this blog you understand my, "don't quit," "overcome the impossible," "expect a miracle" mentality) - helping me attain my goal of having a biological child of my own, that if, ultimately, I don't achieve my dreams, I may end up just helping women behind me achieve theirs! And, I don't know, it may not be the journey I wanted, but maybe it will be the journey that is needed. 

*Deep Sigh*

"Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles. Your decision to be, have and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else." ~ Brian Tracy

Well, I'm just gonna let screenshots and voice recordings tell this part of the story...

And then my recorded thoughts from that moment when I felt like my whole family got wiped out in one fell swoop, to later in the night; where I, most surprisingly to me, ended up. 

The following posted on YouTube...

First thoughts...

More time to think thoughts...

Oh, no, not again, thoughts...

And here is this song - it's even before my time! - the Five Stairsteps singing O-o-h Child a song that somehow became my youngest niece and my song, "our song" when she was probably 12 years old... she's 27 now! 

This a good version of the O-o-h Child

So, I'm not going to be doing anything with what little I have left - the two immature eggs and the germinal vesicle cell (GVC) - for at least another two-three years. Yep, I'll be 61 then, but unless my health deteriorates for some reason I think I can be "okayed" again by at least my doctors. And I'm not worried about the age thing. My mom is going to turn 92 in one month and she's pretty darn with it - she finds the words to finish my sentences because I'm too slow for her! - and loved enormously by all her grand-children - the oldest 40, the youngest 19 - and her great-grandchildren - the oldest 10, the youngest three all 1.

I don't know about life... but I'm feeling good about taking an extended break from this long, long, journey. And I'm hopeful that in the next few years fertility medical advances and technology will happily coincide with my return to the dream. And I did find out that God rewarded Job! So, we'll see... 

The New Journey

 "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey." ~ Stephen Covey

This morning, Friday, April 21, 2022, at approximately 9:45am, CST, the new spiritual journey of human life begins. 

Six of my nine oocytes - those oocytes that I froze 12 years ago right before I turned 46 years old! - will be thawed and fertilized. I can barely wrap my head around getting to these final few chapters! 

Of course my mind wants to be anxious, fearful, worried about what results, but I will not let it. I have always believed that this journey was about God and me. And no matter what happens I have been the faithful servant to the journey my soul wanted me to take. And I am grateful for that gift. 

But as I write this post mere hours before 10,000 x 10,000 miracles continues on and manifest in this world; on this earth, I have the faith of Job! I know God is with me and I am just constantly staying focused on what God is able to do for me; what his will is, really.  

I had, three months ago, finally felt "The Swirl" around me and because of all the signs I've asked for - and received! - over 20 years and more, I can only say, as crazy as it may seem, I would be more surprised if I didn’t end up with a baby than I would if I did! 

I'm reminded of what Steve Jobs said about "connecting the dots backwards.” And successfully completing this journey I feel like it's going to look almost unfathomable! But that’s exactly what miracles do look like! 

Remember, 12 years ago I named my blog Dreaming Miracles for a reason. And that reason is more upon me now than it ever has been! Today is a JOY day!

One More Time

 "When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' " ~ Unknown

This video post was "randomly" placed in my YouTube feed when I got on late last night to watch some of my main subscription channels. In other words, it has nothing to with any channels I subscribe to, it was put in as a "short" as maybe something I would be "interested" in? 

Well, finally YouTube actually had me figured out and put the right video in front of me at the right time... just as I'm working harder on my faith than I ever have before because this - close to getting all the answers for the end of my "journey of a thousand miles" - is when I'm fighting dragons left and right to their death to protect my belief in my miracles; my belief that God has walked this journey with me and will see me make it successfully to the last step just as he did when I took the first one!

This video - and, unbelievably, the comments section! - is what every woman hoping for a miraculous child late in life should watch to remind themselves that miracles do happen; and that Abraham's Sarah led the way! Remember, Sarah lol'd at the Angel's message, but God had the last laugh!

Easter Miracle

 "Every great achievement was once considered impossible." ~ Unknown

The day has come. 

The eggs I have had cryopreserved since September 18, 2009 are being sent from where they have spent their whole "life" to the fertility clinic's lab where - hopefully within the week - six of the nine oocytes will be unthawed and I will have my first answer to this amazingly big and long puzzle of my life. Are the eggs good? Just writing that sentences made me think a thousand different thoughts. 

See, it's because this whole journey - I'm well into my 12th year now! - has been all about Faith. And, yes, Faith with a capitol F. *deep sigh* So many years of Faith. Year after year after year. Faith.

Monday, April 18, 2022 - the day after Easter Sunday - is one giant step closer to discovering if my Faith in this journey; my belief in the outcome: my dreams coming true; my miracles happening... is a part of God's plan for my life. Or maybe closer in fact, God's plan for me to create and dream these miracles into my life.   

So, yeah, FAITH... 

IN DREAMING MIRACLES!

Cleared for Takeoff!

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." ~ Henry Ford

I got all of my clearance letters! I had to go back into my GP to talk about all of my lab results but after the appointment she said she would write the clearance letter this past weekend. And she did! I don't have hers but she basically told me it was two lines as she thought to keep it short and simple. Now it's a matter of hearing back from the clinic as to moving forward. 

So, first, Psych clearance! 

Next, MFM clearance - per doing the panel of test the results of which he felt fine about.

Next: your captain has turned off the seatbelt light and you are free to move about the cabin (at 30,000 feet)!

St. Patrick's Day

"What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists...and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in which you know exactly what you want...and are fully determined not to quit until you get it." ~ Alexander Graham Bell

My GP went out of town - unbeknownst to me 😞 - for 10 days! My labs came back last Thursday, March 10th and if I had known she would not be working starting that Friday I would have made arrangements to get her to write and send the clearance letters (hers and MFM) before she left. Anyway, I'm trying to be as chill as possible (meaning: faith-filled about every aspect of what is going on around me in regards to this journey; this dream of my life) so I was like, I could wait for her to get back and to talk to MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) doctor Monday or, because her nurse told me he had sent my lab work to Dr. D (MFM), I could call him. 

I was wavering about what to do. I mean, I wanted to know the test results! There were two important ones I didn't understand the takeaway from reading. And Dr. D. was the gate opener or the gate closer on whether my journey continued or not. But I also don't know the protocol when two doctors are working together (MFM had the test he wanted done and my GP had the test she wanted done and they were all on one requisition!) so I didn't want to step on toes.

So I was just kind of hanging out with my 91 3/4 year old mom and I told her my dilemma and she told me to go ahead and get in touch with him. Which made me ask her, what's your reasoning? And she says, "I don't got one!" I guessed that was about all the wisdom I was gonna get so I just sent the text 😅 And Dr. D replied back. Yay. This was the end part... 

Woot! Woot! I have the "green" light!!! on St. Patrick's Day! ☘️

 

Rated: PG-13

“I didn't leave because

I stopped loving you,

I left because the longer 

I stayed the less I loved myself.” ~ Rupi Kaur 

The love of my former life, G, has called me occasionally and it's  been near a year since I answered. 

I probably wrote of this in a previous blog post, but if I didn't, the quick version is he's an alcoholic - maybe not a drink at 8:00am variety, but more likely after work until passes out in bed kind. After I left the island and moved to the desert - and I moved in the first place because I realized he was never going to marry me... he might talk of it, but, as is said, talk is cheap - he called me occasionally between 1998 and 2001. When 9/11 happened it triggered him to call me ultimately leading to a habit of calling me every few days for the next year and more. But in 2003 G told me the first big - HUGE! - lie after which I expected I'd never talk to him again. But in 2013 something happened that encouraged me to pick up the phone and say hello; check in - with a what and how? - his life was. And from that time on he called me regularly... often I would say. 

But about a year ago - maybe just under - I couldn't handle it anymore. And I stopped answering his calls. I would text him on occasion if I felt like sending him a link to something I thought was interesting that he probably would, too. But I never really even knew if he got the text because he never answered back. And that was fine with me, lol. It's like I finally had the relationship on my terms. It took mere seconds to send a text link and it was still allowing him to know something about my thinking or my feeling. I didn't have to deal with any of his crap!

Then on February 21st he left a voicemail - which is uncommon - and I thought maybe his 94 year old dad died... something big like that, but it wasn't that. He said, "I have cancer." 

And at that point I was like, well, this is someone I have deeply loved; still deeply love, and of course I need to call him back and try to be there for him. So, I did that. And he explained that it was the throat and the symptoms and whatnot and I gave him my thoughts... which, if given to most anyone, would probably seem pretty "out there" and "new agey!" I guess what really sums up my health beliefs basically takes both an Eastern and Western medical approach with *maybe* shamanic and energy type healing thrown in the mix. But it started him calling me more and me answering more. 

And then a week later, on the 28th, I told him - after talking for well over an hour - that I needed to finish filling out my MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) form as I had my appointment the next afternoon. And he said something like, you know that's not going to work. I was tired. I wanted to get off the call prior to that (if I answer a G call I have to have at least an hour free!) and that was my final straw. I said, "I've got to go. Bye." And hung up. 

He tried to call back, but I was done. I texted him, "I'm only dealing with positive energy. I'm not tolerating negativity! And if you want to do that around me, don't bother talking to me. Thanks"

And then the next day I sent a screenshot of the MFM doctor’s text of the links to the supplements he wants me on and my thanking him. And then I added a text to G about how the appointment went. 

Yeah, I was middle-schooling it, but sometimes that's what ya gotta go back to! And I went back to it again days later! But before that he did this... 

Even if I didn't have a good reason not to answer his 21 phone calls  - which I did - I wouldn't have answered. But I felt like he should know why I wasn't answering. So I texted the following to him that evening, March 4th... 

"First off, my mom had a grand mal seizure at 2:00am Thursday that lasted 10 minutes. Fortunately, I was up writing a post for my blog so I heard - over the baby monitor - a gurgling sound coming from her and I called out on the monitor, “Mom!” and she didn’t answer and I immediately knew it was a run to her room situation. And I found my 91 year old mother in a full seizure (in the past her seizures were what I called mini because they were not grand mal and they only lasted 2 minutes)! So it was chaotic and distressing! I was in unfamiliar territory and I could do NOTHING! Anyway, called 911, to ER, got admitted to the hospital about 7:00a Thursday morning and then she had another grand mal at 11:45a! So, I have a full plate because my mom is my life. She is my everything - that’s someone you basically care more about than you even do yourself. If you ever had an everything, you understand. If you haven’t, I’m sorry. 

Second, you’ve never believed in me and you strung me along for 7 fucking years that you would donate your sperm to help me attain MY DREAM!!! You fucking promised me you would do that for me because you supposedly LOVED me. But you lied. And I wasted precious time BELIEVING you! Fuck me for being such a fucking fool; for allowing you to suck the life out of me! I gave you exactly what you wanted and needed: me! And you gave me NOTHING but a LIE! And to make it worse you SCOFFED at my DREAM!!! You acted like I was the fool which only allowed me to know that you didn’t really believe I was intelligent; that I wouldn’t have done my due diligence; that I KNEW what I was doing! So, now you left me having my child with someone that isn’t you! I will love my little guy because he will be my miracle, but he could’ve been yours, too!" 

And on March 5th - *while my mom was still in the hospital - I just scrolled up in my texts to him at the point - July, 2019 so, pre-pandemic - where he really screwed me over! And if I didn't write of it in a previous post the short version is that I had made the appointment for him to deposit his sperm, I had gotten the airfare (for the time he requested) to get to the only clinic within thousands of miles - but just an island hop away for him - and he bailed! And not only did he bail, but he didn't even bother to return my calls. He probably only came back in my picture months later when he needed to suck more life out of me! But it's kind of *interesting* where I basically tell him he should be cursed? I mean, that was definitely heat-of-the-moment. 

The screenshot above is the full version (the top got cut off below); this just allows me to show the text I added to G, for good measure! 

And believe it or not, he probably called 9 times this past Friday into Saturday morning, none of which I answered. Tomorrow he has a big appointment to find out everything (I do hate that it has taken him just over two weeks to even be able to get such an important appointment!) and I will probably text a message wishing him good luck. But that's it. I can't invest anymore time - cancer or no cancer - unless and until he keeps his promise to me. He may not know it, but the ball - to whatever relationship we may or may not have - is in his court. 

*My mom got out of the hospital Saturday evening, March 6th and is doing well.  

Choo Choo!

"In prayer one must hold fast and never let go… if it seems that no one is listening to you, then cry out even louder. If you are driven out of one door, go back in by the other.” ~ St Jeanne de Chantal

Okay, since I last wrote, my clinic told me I needed clearance letters from my General Practice doctor, their psychologist, and a clearance letter from a MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) doctor. 

Since I have been going to a Psychiatrist for a pretty long time I asked if she could write a psychological clearance letter instead of using their person and they said, yes, that would be okay. 

So my psychiatrist, who knows everything about my life, and this particular part of it so well, happily wrote the psych clearance and faxed it to them on Friday, February 25th.  

But last Wednesday, on the 23rd - I had a session with my Vedic astrologer to find out if I had any possible window of opportunity since my clinic had reversed their decision on me. And he told me that on March 25th transiting Jupiter would be over my moon and that it was a very supportive time +/- 30 days before and after; and that would be a beautiful time to get the implantation! 

Now, yes, that's jumping ahead a little bit because I obviously have to find out if at least one of my six oocytes (I'm not wanting to thaw my third "straw," the one with the two immature oocytes and the germinal vesicle cell, at this point) comes out of the vitrification process well. And then when that miracle(s) happen, I then need to have the sperm and egg come together to make a healthy embryo. Then when that miracle(s) happen I need to have the implantation take and be successful. And then when that miracle(s) happen, this girl will be having a baby! Because at that point, I will know the 10,000 x 10,000 miracles have happened to perfectly make the one!

But getting back to before all that... I still had to get in to see my GP and then I needed her to make a referral to an MFM doctor and get an appointment to see that person. After my astrology appointment I was like, I need all of this to come together fast - thinking my window of opportunity is small when you have a lot of medical hoops to jump through! - so I immediately called to make an appointment with my GP and it seemed like her nurse wasn't finding any opening and I thought, it could be two or three weeks to get into see her (which is normal)! Then all of the sudden he says, "Can you make it here tomorrow at 3:30 ?" And I was like, absolutely!

So I got into my GP last Thursday, February 24th and she did all the things she would need to clear me - Blood Pressure, BMI, EKG, etc. - and everything was good. My BP was 118/78 and that's what I was most worried about. 

Okay I have to tell a side story as to why I was worried about my blood pressure. It's because when I took my mom and I physically - she had been having telemedicine appointments for the past year - to our neurologist I got my BP taken for the first time in ages. I had always had a really good BP. But when the tech took it it was something like, 160/90! And I was like, holy shit! This is just awful! But then I gave thought to what had happened maybe 20 minutes earlier and was like, well, I don't know, it maybe should be kinda high. 

Because what happened was, my mom was in her wheelchair in the van; I had used the automated switch from the driver's chair to open the double doors. I had also already hoisted the wheelchair lift up before I went around to other side of the vehicle to start to get her out. She says to me, “I feel like I’m moving backwards!” I look at her and the wheelchair is strapped in the same place, I’m like, "You’re fine!" Then, all the sudden, I realize the van is moving backwards - and gaining momentum! - with her in it!!! And I was on the opposite side from any solution! 😱 I had to run around to the drivers side, jump in, and slam on the brake, by which time we were probably 20 feet from hitting the cars parked at the back of the inclined (which I had not noticed earlier) parking lot! I'm lol'n at it now... my 91 year old mom in a wheelchair secured in a van saying, "I feel like I'm moving backwards." And me pretty much ignoring her saying, "You're fine! C'mon, buck up! 😂 So, yeah, I hadn't had my BP taken since then which was why I was worried!

So, at my appointment with my GP she told me she had met - in the last year - a MFM and they had been so in sync medically-minded that they had contributed on writing a couple of research papers together! In essence, she basically had a MFM friend! She told me she had already talked to him about me and she was just waiting to hear back how he wanted to arrange to meet (I think he works remotely for a hospital out of state). 

So Thursday at 7:30p she text me his contact info and lets me know to just text him who I am and he'll call me. I text him at 7:45p and write, "Hi, Dr. D. I hope all is well your way! My name is L. My GP gave me your contact info to reach out to you re: my situation (need for MFM clearance letter). I’ve been a patient of Dr. M's for the past 15 years (my mom has been her patient for probably 25!) and Dr. M has been such a blessing to - both myself and my 91 3/4 year old mom : ) - through thick and thin! She has spoken very highly of you and it sounds like y’all make a great medical match! Just let me know what you would like me to do. I’m anxiously - and excitedly! - looking forward to talking with you! Thank you for being open to working with me! 🙏 

He texted back about 30 minutes later, "Hi L

Well congratulations!

I would like to visit w you.

Are you available sometime in the next week?" 

I was like, for sure! So we went from there. I actually sent him a kind of "checking in" text on Monday around 11:30a to re-establish when we might meet and then I didn't hear back from him! I now feel like I'm on this tight schedule, but I also have to believe and have faith that everything is going to work out for me. My Vedic astrologer made it especially clear that I have to stay positive through every aspect so I just tried to stay in that mind-set. Then at 8:30p I got a text saying, 

"How’s bout 2 pm tomorrow 

zoom?

send me a link on email ______" 

And a second tweet saying, 

"If I send u a template can you fill in as much of your medical history as possible?

Send me your email 

Thanks"

And I replied yes and sent him my email and then his response to that was,

"I sent u the history & physical.

If u could get it back a few hours b4 our visit that will help.

Just do the best u can

Thanks"

So, that's what I did. And I think he also said to text him a half hour before our 2:00p appointment to make sure he was running on time. 

That put me at Tuesday, March 1st. And he ran about an hour and a half late but he texted me and I was open to whenever he could fit me in so it didn't make a difference to me. 

And now I'm basically going to copy and paste what I emailed my psychiatrist after I finished my MFM appointment.

"OMG! I’m so psyched that Dr. D was able to meet today (via FaceTime)!

I was feeling miserable nausea today (I only had soft pretzel last night and that was like at 10:00p and I felt good I tried to even do that much!) - I’ve had a really hard (death level) 5 days! - but I put makeup on like I would if I were going out. Doing that was hard as I had no fuel. 

But because he moved our appointment back an hour I decided I needed to go to Chick-fil-A and get chicken soup for today and more to freeze. And I got a coke and as I was driving back home I was feeling just a little better and it made me remember all the years - 10! - when I used to wake up every morning and dry heave. It sweated and exhausted me. I’d lay down, recover, and then go to work and every day I’d stop at this convenience store and get a fountain Coke and Cheez-It crackers and that was my “comfort food” and then about 2 or so hours after waking up - 10:00/10:30 - my nausea would go away and I’d be good for the rest of the day only to do it all over again the next morning. So I don’t know if it’s the carbonation in the Coke that seems to help me or the sipping, or just the “comfort,” but it helps, at least for awhile. 

Anyway, I got home in plenty of time  - and he was still running a little late - and he texted me asking if I was ready and I was like, yep, thinking he was going to send me the link to Zoom! But a call comes in and I don’t even think I said hello! I’m pretty sure I went straight to, “Aren’t you gonna send me a Zoom link?” And he was like, “I thought you were gonna send me a Zoom link.” And I was, “I don’t have a Zoom account.” And he says, “Well, I don’t know how to use it; someone always sends me a link!” But all I’m think’n is, “I nearly fainted flat out put’n all this makeup on and I wanna be seen!” 😅 I’m like I no want just a phone call! 😏😂 

So he ask me if I have FaceTime and I’m like, yeah. But at the same time - because I never use FaceTime since I literally have no reason… like, no kids or grandkids, or boyfriend or anyone I want to actually see! - I’m thinking, that means I’m gonna have to hold this phone practically over my head the whole time (higher is a better angle 😉) but I’m all like - in it to win it! - so he calls me via FaceTime and I pick up and start hold’n the phone up! At which time I have the thought, can’t I use my laptop to receive a FaceTime call? And he says he doesn’t think so. And I’m literally remembering a time when I somehow did do that with my niece when she was in college! But I don’t say anything because he had already told me that he needs to get me done before hiss wife gets home because she’s get’n tired of him do’n pro-bono work! *smh* And I say, well, I’m plan’n on pay’n you out-of-pocket. And he says no he doesn’t want me to. So at that point I’m like yeah, let’s get done before she gets home! 😃

So, he asks me about past medical history and I just said I’ve had episodes of nausea for 30 years but I don’t have a diagnosis and he just writes that down. And he asks me about surgeries and meds and wants to know why I’m on the Nortriptyline and I told him I had had migraines and I was put on the Nortriptyline and the migraines went away but later got back on because of it maybe helping my nausea. And then I just told him since it’s an anti-depressant I just stayed on because I probably need it for that. 

He gave me a whole regimen of what he wanted to be do for test and supplements be on pre-pregnacy, etc. I think I’ll just forward you that. 

But the best most exciting part is that he said he thought I’d do great! He thought I was smart! 😅 He thought I was beautiful! 🥰 And he said, “You’re 58 but look like your go’n on 28!!!” 🙌🎉😂

OMG! I’m start’n to think really highly of OBGYN’s! 😬 Remember when I went to my new OBGYN - who took over from Dr. L. - and I was extremely nervous going in because I was gonna have to tell this new person that I was 58 try’n to get pregnant, right? - and I walked out of there wish’n my life could be like that OBGYN appointment! 😂

So, yay! If I can bust out get’n Dr. M to get me go’n on all the labs (one is a 24 hour urine catch) and get them in and the results back quickly enough maybe I still get the implantation in that beautiful window of opportunity! 🙏" 

What can I say, it was an awesome appointment!!! And I absolutely loved the fact that he felt like I would do great! I mean, he seemed like he totally believes in me!

He sent the MFM clearance letter - writing dependent on getting all the lab test he wanted done, done - to my GP and cc'd me in on it. And I already knew my GP was holding back her clearance letter until she found out what labs he wanted because she wanted to add her labs to that requisition and not duplicate his. 

Then I got a VM when I woke up today - Wednesday, March 2nd - letting me know the requisition was ready and did I want to pick it up or have them mail it to me, and I was like, pick it up! Like hell yeah! I'm going to pick it up and go to the lab and get it done! But I had two requisitions - one for pre-thyroid and post thyroid - so since I had already take my thyroid medicine I did the post-med blood draw today and will do the pre-med, plus all the other draws on the requisition (I would not doubt if its at least 10 vials of blood! My GP is thorough!), tomorrow - Thursday, March 3rd! And I'm thinking (hoping!) that if I get to the lab early enough that I can still do the 24 hour urine collection and get it back to them early enough on Friday to be sent to wherever that goes! Bottom line, I'm really hoping by next Monday or Tuesday, March 7th or 8th both my GP and MFM clearance letters will be faxed to my clinic. Once they have the clearance letters they can start the whole thaw out, see what they've got to work with, do the genetic testing part, fertilize the egg and then 8-10 days have it grow into an embryo(s) and re-freeze and then I have to have two test they need done to find out how my uterine cavity is and the big one which would be prepare my post-menopausal body to be able to receive and carry the baby to term. But I'm hoping that the clinic will let me at least do the uterine cavity test in that 8-10 day window and then I don't know how long it takes for them to figure out me hormonally. I'm just hoping because I'm not on a cycle, it doesn't have to be a wait until a whole new cycle (like monthly). 

So, yeah, can you believe it? My astrologer told me to absolutely believe it because I have with solid attention and faith been on this journey to get to this moment in time! And I've always said that the story wasn't over; that I'd know when it was over. I'm in the final chapter!

The train has left the station... and I'm on it!!! Choo Choo!

O.M.G.

Do not sit still; start moving now. In the beginning, you may not go in the direction you want, but as long as you are moving, you are creating alternatives and possibilities." ~ Rodolfo Costa  

Journal - January 31, 2022 - 1:30 pm

OH MY GOD!!! I just had an appointment with my fertility doctor and they changed their mind!!! They will now do the implantation if I’m okayed by my GP and their psychologist! I can hardly believe it! But before anything, it will come down to whether I have a fertilized egg that is good enough to get to the blastocysts stage! But, still, OMG, I continue on the journey! 

I don’t know what to think. I’m so happy on the one hand and then reality is facing me on the other, lol! 

What thing, Eleanor?

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

The fertility doctor I had had my consult with called me over a week ago and left a voicemail to get back in touch with him. I called his office the first week I believe twice and he wasn’t available. Then I didn’t hear back from him so I sent a message via their “portal” system to one of his admin staff Thursday sometime after midnight reiterating that I still needed to talk with him. I asked - specifically - if he could call me Friday afternoon. I got a call early Friday morning (when I don’t have my phone on so no possible way of getting it) and I had a message on my VM explaining to call a different # (a secondary phone line I have) to leave a voicemail as my "main" cell phone VM has not been working properly. He didn’t do that. Instead he wrote a reply from the admin (pretty sure that's a big HIPPA violation!) message and said the following, “i tried to call you . dr. KC and I discussed your case in detail and we can not proceed with a transfer due to your age ad the guidelines. We are happy to assist with transferring eggs to another provider. Best, CD” 

So what was I supposed to do? Just say, yeah, okay, that’s sounds fine? How lame is that to leave an important message - like a potential life-defining message! - on an open admin feed? 

Tonight I wrote the following back… 

“I think not seeing me for the individual I am; not treating me as a wholly unique person isn’t fair. It would seem more right to me if you had allowed me to go through the stress test, the EKG, talked to my psychiatrist, talked to my GP, and any other “hoops” I would need to jump through to allow you to view me as me and not some 58 year old generic collective. Giving me that opportunity to “fail,” or not, prior to making a judgement as profound as you have, would, in my opinion, have been more open and fair-minded. I’m disappointed that you were not willing to give me the full measure of presenting - both physically and mentally - who I am and what I’m about. 55 is a guideline. It’s not a rule; it’s not a law. And you well know, women have successfully had pregnancies at my age, and well over! If you read the notations to the ASRM Ethics Commitee “guidelines” paper you would understand more than you’re allowing me to feel you do now… bit.ly/ASRMguidlines Many of those older (62-65) women who had successful pregnancies lied about their age and I knew of that when I was looking for a doctor to take me on - which, in hindsight would probably have been what I, too, should have done. Then instead instead of facing a “No” for being 58 I would have gotten a “Yes” for being only 48! I have no doubt, with my genetics, that I could - easily have passed for 36 years old instead of 46 when I first started with IHR. But honesty, I guess, maybe isn’t always the best policy. 

Obviously, by writing me, “We are happy to assist with transferring eggs to another provider” you fully understand that I won’t stop with your “No.” I’m on a journey - unfortunately for me, a long and arduous one - to be a mother to my own biological children… just like a billion other woman have throughout time. It would have been one “easy” part of this whole journey to have you consider my long-held dreams and joining them to your mission statement; your hopes and dreams of helping mothers have the children they long for. And in that light, I would like you and Dr. KP to reconsider your position. I would like you to, again, allow me the opportunity of proving my fitness by putting me through any and all test. Should I fail then it’s easy to understand why you would not consider helping me. But just saying “No” because of a “guideline;” viewing me as every generic 58 year old woman out there in the world is the easy way; it’s not the bold, out-side-the-box thinking way I live my life by. I’m sure you, nor Dr. KP, would like to be viewed in generality with all fertility doctors out there, right? Like, you think there is something unique and special about what you do as doctors that give you the high, better outcomes that other fertility practices could only aspire to. Or, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you both are just average at what you do, maybe there isn’t anything particularly special about either of you. And if that’s the case - though I don’t truly think it is - then maybe it is better for you to do the easy thing of rejecting me. Even with the full knowledge that Dr. KC was completely and utterly WRONG when he took me on as a patient and told me - less than two weeks shy of 46! - I would be “lucky to get one egg for $10,000.” He was wrong x 9!!! And yet he doesn’t have the capacity to believe in my ability to produce results greater than his depth of belief now? Why? He doesn’t realize he could be wrong again x 9? Because there is past history to KNOW I am already more unique than his belief system ever allowed for! So, I’d like to better understand the reasoning behind your decision - because if you look me as an individual - you might consider reasoning differently. 

However, if you do continue to choose to be closed-minded; if you choose to limit my relationship as your patient to fulfill my life goal, then when you write, “We are happy to assist with transferring eggs to another provider. Best, DC” the “best” would be “assisting” me in finding another provider who may be able - and good enough! - to help me achieve my JOY!

Because whoever is the provider that ultimately helps me, will have success! I would NEVER bet against me… just as in late September 2009 when I had 18 eggs the night before going into the egg retrieval and Dr. KC told his nurse that I was “producing eggs like a Spring chicken!” and he ultimately retrieved 9 more eggs than he believed I would be “lucky” to get! What does that say about him viewing me in generic terms? What does that say about me proving to him I’m not generic for my age? I don’t know what more I can say to ask to be viewed on my terms and not the terms of the average 58 year old woman. It would be GREAT - it would feel Great! - to have you “see” me through the lense that the Universe/God has prescribed specifically - and only - to me. 

You also made no reference to a future possibility of having my fertilized eggs placed into a surrogate. Is that off the table, as well? Because I mean, I literally know couples older than me taking care of their grandchildren because of the inability of their child to do so and it seems to be a “win-win” for all (un-surprisinly to me because of the g/p’s wisdom, experience and a more laidback attitude). And that happens too many times to even count, across this country and world! 

Also, is it an impossibility to fertilize my eggs, get to the embryo state to even see what the viability is, and then re-freeze them? I have no understanding of that, but, if it were an option, it would be helpful to have that knowledge to determine if it’s even worth moving on to another provider. 

I don’t know. I’m not in uncharted territory, but there aren’t a huge amount of those visionary pioneer, determined women whose footsteps I might easily follow in. 

The only thing I do know is, I fully believe that a healthy biological child (or children! shaking your head is fine : ) will result from that group of 9 eggs that were retrieved. I don’t believe God set me out on this journey to not succeed. And I have the faith of Job - and have been through enough of Job-ishness in my life! - to believe in what others can’t or don’t! I won’t stop. I’m not at the end of my journey. Walls exist - one recent, basically two year setback, huge wall: hello! COVID-19! - only to allow me to find a way to get to the other side of them and learn from the challenge. Is that easy; is it fun? No, not really, not at all! It’s hard; it’s frustrating; it’s wearing, but when the desire comes from your soul and spirit, there isn’t a human component that allows for quitting. The only component my soul and spirit allows for within me is to continue on the journey to seek fulfillment of the seed planted within to bear fruit. When the journey ends - and, yes, whether a child results or not - I will have known that I was a faithful servant to my calling and because of that alone, I will know both peace and joy. 

Sincerely, 

L” 

What thing, Eleanor, must I do next?