“I didn't leave because
I stopped loving you,
I left because the longer
I stayed the less I loved myself.” ~ Rupi Kaur
The love of my former life, G, has called me occasionally and it's been near a year since I answered.
I probably wrote of this in a previous blog post, but if I didn't, the quick version is he's an alcoholic - maybe not a drink at 8:00am variety, but more likely after work until passes out in bed kind. After I left the island and moved to the desert - and I moved in the first place because I realized he was never going to marry me... he might talk of it, but, as is said, talk is cheap - he called me occasionally between 1998 and 2001. When 9/11 happened it triggered him to call me ultimately leading to a habit of calling me every few days for the next year and more. But in 2003 G told me the first big - HUGE! - lie after which I expected I'd never talk to him again. But in 2013 something happened that encouraged me to pick up the phone and say hello; check in - with a what and how? - his life was. And from that time on he called me regularly... often I would say.
But about a year ago - maybe just under - I couldn't handle it anymore. And I stopped answering his calls. I would text him on occasion if I felt like sending him a link to something I thought was interesting that he probably would, too. But I never really even knew if he got the text because he never answered back. And that was fine with me, lol. It's like I finally had the relationship on my terms. It took mere seconds to send a text link and it was still allowing him to know something about my thinking or my feeling. I didn't have to deal with any of his crap!
Then on February 21st he left a voicemail - which is uncommon - and I thought maybe his 94 year old dad died... something big like that, but it wasn't that. He said, "I have cancer."
And at that point I was like, well, this is someone I have deeply loved; still deeply love, and of course I need to call him back and try to be there for him. So, I did that. And he explained that it was the throat and the symptoms and whatnot and I gave him my thoughts... which, if given to most anyone, would probably seem pretty "out there" and "new agey!" I guess what really sums up my health beliefs basically takes both an Eastern and Western medical approach with *maybe* shamanic and energy type healing thrown in the mix. But it started him calling me more and me answering more.
And then a week later, on the 28th, I told him - after talking for well over an hour - that I needed to finish filling out my MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) form as I had my appointment the next afternoon. And he said something like, you know that's not going to work. I was tired. I wanted to get off the call prior to that (if I answer a G call I have to have at least an hour free!) and that was my final straw. I said, "I've got to go. Bye." And hung up.
He tried to call back, but I was done. I texted him, "I'm only dealing with positive energy. I'm not tolerating negativity! And if you want to do that around me, don't bother talking to me. Thanks"
And then the next day I sent a screenshot of the MFM doctor’s text of the links to the supplements he wants me on and my thanking him. And then I added a text to G about how the appointment went.
Yeah, I was middle-schooling it, but sometimes that's what ya gotta go back to! And I went back to it again days later! But before that he did this...
"First off, my mom had a grand mal seizure at 2:00am Thursday that lasted 10 minutes. Fortunately, I was up writing a post for my blog so I heard - over the baby monitor - a gurgling sound coming from her and I called out on the monitor, “Mom!” and she didn’t answer and I immediately knew it was a run to her room situation. And I found my 91 year old mother in a full seizure (in the past her seizures were what I called mini because they were not grand mal and they only lasted 2 minutes)! So it was chaotic and distressing! I was in unfamiliar territory and I could do NOTHING! Anyway, called 911, to ER, got admitted to the hospital about 7:00a Thursday morning and then she had another grand mal at 11:45a! So, I have a full plate because my mom is my life. She is my everything - that’s someone you basically care more about than you even do yourself. If you ever had an everything, you understand. If you haven’t, I’m sorry.
Second, you’ve never believed in me and you strung me along for 7 fucking years that you would donate your sperm to help me attain MY DREAM!!! You fucking promised me you would do that for me because you supposedly LOVED me. But you lied. And I wasted precious time BELIEVING you! Fuck me for being such a fucking fool; for allowing you to suck the life out of me! I gave you exactly what you wanted and needed: me! And you gave me NOTHING but a LIE! And to make it worse you SCOFFED at my DREAM!!! You acted like I was the fool which only allowed me to know that you didn’t really believe I was intelligent; that I wouldn’t have done my due diligence; that I KNEW what I was doing! So, now you left me having my child with someone that isn’t you! I will love my little guy because he will be my miracle, but he could’ve been yours, too!"
And on March 5th - *while my mom was still in the hospital - I just scrolled up in my texts to him at the point - July, 2019 so, pre-pandemic - where he really screwed me over! And if I didn't write of it in a previous post the short version is that I had made the appointment for him to deposit his sperm, I had gotten the airfare (for the time he requested) to get to the only clinic within thousands of miles - but just an island hop away for him - and he bailed! And not only did he bail, but he didn't even bother to return my calls. He probably only came back in my picture months later when he needed to suck more life out of me! But it's kind of *interesting* where I basically tell him he should be cursed? I mean, that was definitely heat-of-the-moment.
The screenshot above is the full version (the top got cut off below); this just allows me to show the text I added to G, for good measure!
And believe it or not, he probably called 9 times this past Friday into Saturday morning, none of which I answered. Tomorrow he has a big appointment to find out everything (I do hate that it has taken him just over two weeks to even be able to get such an important appointment!) and I will probably text a message wishing him good luck. But that's it. I can't invest anymore time - cancer or no cancer - unless and until he keeps his promise to me. He may not know it, but the ball - to whatever relationship we may or may not have - is in his court.
*My mom got out of the hospital Saturday evening, March 6th and is doing well.
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