Wow, This is Hard...

“Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof.”

Kahlil Gibran

My surgery went fine yesterday - great really. As compared to my last two knee operations which on a pain scale of one to ten were both tens, this surgery has been like a one. I feel really blessed about that.

The hardest part about it is that since I'm laid up for a 48 hour period with keeping the knee iced and elevated, etc., I have way to much time to dwell on not having heard back from H.B. regarding what his answer is on being a sperm donor for me. I know a few post back I said I would have patience and wait two weeks, but it is now day ten since I wrote that and everything in me is screaming inside to get in touch with him and find out what is going on. I wrote that I was going to be calm and not panic, but wow, is it getting harder to not let myself feel so much angst about it all.

Most of the angst that I'm feeling is that I don't have a plan "B." I can't figure out who I would/could possibly ask if H.B. says, "no." I'm asking God for a sign. I'm desperate for a sign! I need to have some clear sign as to what to do next.

And when I get this way, so discombobulated, I get into that woe-is-me pattern of, why do I have to be the one who seems to be constantly in the struggle to attain my heart's desire. Why does it come so easy for other people? For instance, my niece, the one I wrote about getting engaged, got married and nine months later (two days ago) had a baby! She's 28 years old, twenty years younger than me! What is it about her life that's so different from mine where Life just seems to bless her so easily with joy and miracles?

And I guess it just comes back to why I started writing this blog in the first place - which is that it is my journey in faith. Faith - a firm belief in something for which there is no proof! I guess the lesson of my life is to find out if having the faith of a mustard seed can indeed move a mountain! A mustard seed for crying out loud! Do you know how little a mustard seed is? It's teeny tiny. And if I believe in God, the Creator of heaven and earth, which I do, then I am told all I have to do is have that teeny, tiny amount of faith and miracles will abound. So, I remind myself of that every day, many times throughout the day, that all I have to have is even the smallest amount of faith and nothing is impossible. Everybody has their life's lesson, I feel sure that mine is all about faith. But as Mother Teresa of Calcutta said “I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”