Sweetness and Light

Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory - George S. Patton

I've always wanted to try to remain positive on my quest and in writing this blog, but I've also wanted to say when all is not sweetness and light, and right now, all is not sweetness and light.

I'm depressed. I feel like my illness has taken away nearly a year of my life. And at 47 years old on a quest to meet a guy and get married, I really can't afford to have this happening. It almost seems funny to have written what I just wrote. I mean, when can anyone ever afford to be sick? But my point is, that while opportunities exist for me to be out and about in the world possibly meeting my future husband, I'm unable to take advantage of them. I feel too sick to go anywhere.

Depressing thoughts lead to other depressing thoughts and the main one is: WTH? What the hell am I thinking in even embarking on this quest of marriage and children (of my own, no less!) at this age? Why do I feel like there should even be a remote bit of hope to hang onto in regards to my dreams coming true? Why does half of me wonder if I'm living in La La land and the other half of me hold so tightly to having faith that my heart's desire will be realized?

Am I listening to God, or am I just trying to play god? I really don't know.

I've heard before someone say that you know your living God's will for your life when things come easily; when it's not a struggle; basically when it feels as if things are running like clockwork. Well, that's definitely not what's going on with me! Everything feels like a struggle!

So does it just mean I should quit the quest, that I'm probably not in the "flow" of what God wants for my life? That if He wanted what I wanted for my life then it would all fall into place easily?

And this is where I have a problem; where I question my questions. Because when I think about quitting I have feelings that rise up in me that rarely make appearances: drive, determination, perseverance, fortitude. And because I know that those attributes are so uncommon in me it makes me feel as if they are rising to the surface for a reason: that I should keep pursuing this dream I have until I get to the end of the story. I'm not at the end of the story. I'll know when I get there.