Harmony Season is Open

Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I recently got a six month subscription to the online dating site eHarmony. Ugh. It's really not my thing, but I am so trying to be open to it. On eHarmony you can open your profile to guys worldwide and I like that. I feel like why limit myself just because I live in one place and the guy that could be right for me doesn't?

Anyway, as of now, I'm just letting any guy that has interest contact me and then I decide whether or not I want to pursue it further, as opposed to me finding a guy who looks attractive, with a profile I find interesting, and initiating contact with him.

When I talk about trying to be more open I definitely feel like I should be more open to taking the first step in communicating with a guy, but so far I can't bring myself to do it. Is it just my old-fashioned nature to think that the guy should be the pursuer even in this kind of dating format?

There have been two guys (out of hundreds) whose profiles made me want them to contact me - they haven't. Don't you think if they looked at my photo, and read my profile, they'd make a move to communicate with me if they were interested? And since they haven't, I should just assume that, for whatever reason, I'm just not their "type?" It's only my first month so I'm still struggling with these questions. Am I projecting - to my detriment - or am I smartly protecting?

This eHarmony experience is pretty "out there" for me. It's just strange, but again I'm trying to be open - I'm really working at it. For instance, even though I'm tall - 6'0 - I'm not attracted to really tall guys. A guy that is 6'4 is my limit of interest. The funny thing is, I don't mind a guy a few inches shorter than me, but I don't want him much more than a few inches taller either.

My bias may harken back to growing up tall at a time when it was more unusual. I mean I use to have kids stare at me, people whisper behind my back, and some outright say stupid stuff like, "How's the weather up there?" For a teenager it felt pretty humiliating (I even had an older sister who was 6'2 and carried herself confidently that was a good role model for me and it still wasn't easy). My brothers were 6'2 and 6'3 - tall, but that was more a "normal" height for guys. If they had been 6'7 or 6'8 they probably would have gotten the same kind of treatment that my sister and I did. Anyway, one guy who messaged me on eHarmony is 6'6. The me that knows I'm not attracted to really tall guys didn't want to correspond back to him. The me that is trying to be more open didn't want to either, but did.

I'll give you a little more insight into me by posting our back-and-forth messaging.

First, he messaged me: Great profile! Do you ever get to ______? Best - M

My reply: Yep, I actually do. Usually once a year.

He writes back: Nice! When will you be coming? I would like to meet you! Dinner or drinks on me! Best - M

I then reply: Probably not until September. And, dinner and drinks on you? Sounds good for me, but could be a little painful for you - I'm 6'0 and weigh like 170!

Which makes him say: Lol... I'm taller than you, and weigh more as well.

And that's where, as of today, it stands. My point is, that I'm communicating with a guy I can't even tell if I'd be remotely physically attracted to even after viewing photos of him! This online dating is just not the same as seeing someone in person, talking to them and then being able to make an on-the-spot assessment.

I think this is all just a test of how open I can be. How far I can take myself from my set-in-my-way patterns of being.

UPDATE: Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think M. got my joke. When he wrote, dinner or drinks on me, I pictured myself enjoying a nice filet mignon, sipping on a martini, all while plopped down literally on his back or something. My joke was that literally eating ON him could prove to be a bit uncomfortable. I think he thought I was joking that due to my height and weight, he'd be paying a pretty penny for my pig out! What do you think?