Travel Time

I just got back from visiting a big city for a seminar I had eagerly anticipated attending. Adding to the excitement, my best friend from the place I had previously lived, whom I hadn't seen in a year or so, was going to be meeting me there. This friend, K., is 32 and engaged to be married this summer. She's cute and smart, comfortable in her own skin and just all-around good fun to be with. The interesting thing to me is that I don't view myself much differently than how I just represented K. to you. And yet, there must be a difference of perceivable energy that she gives off which I do not.

You see, after the last day of the seminar, which was attended by a large and varied group of people, there was a "bash" thrown at a popular bar for anyone up for it, and we were up for it. We got to this old English style pub and it was packed to overflowing, but somehow we made our way to a smaller side-room and Providentially (my boots were not made for walking and we had trekked there) found two seats at the bar to plop ourselves onto. It was the perfect place to have easy access to cold beers and people watching. And with only one beer down the hatch we started good times by "chair dancing" - whereby you're definitely moving to the music but you're not willing to get up off your ass to actually go to the dance floor.

WeIl, within no time at all, two, wholly new, cute guys, and another one previously met at the seminar, were hitting on K.! I was just kinda chatting with her "throwaways." But really, I was just happy to be out, in a big city, far from home, with loud music and cold beers in front of me.

K. got up to go see if an acquaintance from the seminar had arrived yet, but she got stopped by a group of fun-looking people at the other end of the bar, one of which was obviously very gay. He was a black man with a smile that lit up the darkened pub and a presence of joy that could be felt across the room. K., while stopping to talk with him, pointed over to me, as if telling him I was her "partner in crime" for the evening. The next thing I know he comes around the bar, sits down next to me, and proceeds to become my bff (best friends forever) for the night.

As one drink progressed into another, K. and her entourage and my new bff, basically made me follow them to the dance floor on the second floor (as her ploy to have me follow K. grabbed my full bottle of beer!). I didn't even know there was a second floor, much less dancing being done there! It was packed, as in, can it even be called dancing when there is no space to move? We did our best. And had lots of fun.

But the reason I bring this all up is what do I take away from the experience between K. and myself? She being engaged and hit on by numerous guys and me attracting a gay one! How do I take that message? Is it that I just say that even though I'm not yet attracting "the one" at least I'm attracting interesting people who find me interesting? I guess I'll spin it positively in that direction.

I have to mention one other little rewarding episode that occurred on my plane flight home. Usually when I get on a plane I'm all about saying a quick "hello" to my seat mate as I board and a "have a nice day" as I deplane. It's not that I'm opposed to talking to a stranger on a plane, I'm just opposed to initiating talking to a stranger on a plane.

But as I boarded the second and final leg of my trip back I found myself seated next to a young man (whom I found out later was aged twenty-four) that seemed as full of talk as an auctioneer with a warehouse full of items for bidders. He brought up in our discussion: fertility (or his lack thereof), the criminal justice system (with an emphasis on juvenile justice), homeopathic and herbal medicine (he wanted to bottle his own), restaurant ownership (he co-owned one), his English relatives and time spent living overseas, his cheating on his girlfriend and her cheating on him, and his dying grandfather whom he had just been to visit.

But what I most take away from having sat next to this earnest and nice-looking guy was when, after having been talking to me for some time, he said "You're probably in your early thirties aren't you?" I replied, "I'm thirty-six." And he said, "I wouldn't have guessed you were that old."

So, even though he talked my ear off, he left me with the sound of something I liked hearing : )

Pre-2007

Prior to the Fall of 2007 I was, according to the psychiatrist I visited to get my rx for anti-depressants, a glass-is-half-empty kinda girl. This kindly old Cuban immigrant doctor (whose wife of 55 years was loosing her fight to Alzheimer's) would practically implore me to see my life as being a glass half full. I would breakdown and cry. How could I see my life positively when I was so broken-hearted over being alone and over 40 with no prospects for the things I wanted most: a husband and children of my own?

It didn't help that I was working at a job that gave me little satisfaction and even less money. In addition, I was plagued on and off with debilitating headaches. I wanted desperately to change my way of thinking; to believe in the possibility that I could be happy, but at 43 years old I felt only hopelessness.

I mean marriage, of course, could happen at any age; there is no "biological clock" that tells your body that you can not be joined in wedded bliss, but in our current realm of scientific knowledge, there is a very loud clanging, that reverberates loudly, telling a woman over 40 that her child-bearing years may be down to days, if not already completed. It was a devastating feeling, one that anti-depressants didn't seem to help.

My counselor would try to tell me that there still was hope, that it could all work out, and as much as I wanted to believe him, I whined back, "I'm 43 years old!" He encouraged me to find out more, to learn whether or not someone 43 could get pregnant and that led me here and here which I found to be very informative, but more importantly, hopeful.
But the best article I came across was this one. I loved it. I love that she didn't even get married until she was 45!