Not long ago I decided to make a "vision board." A vision board is where you cut out images or writing from wherever you can find them (most often magazines) and make a collage of what you want in your life. A vision board is supposed to help you in attaining your dreams because it keeps - front and center - images you can see everyday (important for getting deep into your subconscious)
I had a vision board over 20 years ago and it didn't seem to change anything in my life, but I recently thought, what the heck, might as well try it again.
So, once I decided to make my vision board I remembered that I had - over the years - cut out many items that I thought would be perfect to paste to the board if I ever did make another. My only obstacle was where to find all the things I had cut out and kept stored somewhere.
I went hunting! And hunting for me usually takes place in one particular room where I seem to have stashed everything I don't know what to do with. I have plastic "filing" draws with tons of recipes I've cut out over years and years, lots of my art "tools" and things that inspire me to do artwork, and then just bags of papers. Oh, and boxes with papers!
I was a little overwhelmed, but I brought all of what I thought I could use for my vision board to another room where I could more comfortably go through everything and decide what to keep and what I could throw away.
But there was this one particular shoe box that grabbed my interest first so I opened its dusty lid and, like a genie from a bottle, it seemed like the story of my life - from 1989 through 1991, at least - came alive... floating toward me.
The box held letters, cards, and papers with "journal" writings... lots and lots of journal writing. Hundreds of memories - some entirely forgotten, many only half remembered...
I found the names of guys that I had "liked," guys that I had "double-liked," guys that I had huge crushes on, and one particular guy that I was just plain in love with. But I didn't just find their names I read about them from back then: how I met them, when I saw them, what I did with them, what I hoped I could do with them... what I dreamed...
So, what do you do now days when you get such a blast from your past? Go look for them on the internet! There were actually three of the guys that I had become "friends" with again over the the past several years via Facebook, but the others I had to either google their names or search for them on Facebook.
It was crazy interesting to FB "stalk" former "love" interest; playing private investigator to find the more elusive ones. I found them as happily (seemingly) married ones or divorced. They seemed to have aged fairly well. To "look in" on their lives was... really cool! lol!
But there was one guy - the particular guy - who I had been soooooo in love with back then. I had always remembered his first name, but his last name was Slavic and it was one that I had a hard time recalling, much less spelling. However, when I pulled out all of these journal writings - and many had been about him - and started reading them, at the very beginning of one, was his full name. I couldn't believe it. It came rushing back to me how easy his name was to pronounce, but how hard it was to spell. I was beyond excited to - after all these years! - find him.
I immediately checked Facebook but couldn't find him on it. I then googled him but nothing was coming up. I thought that the way I had spelled his name in my journal writing might have just been how I thought it was spelled and not the real spelling. I was frustrated because no matter how I tried to spell his name I was coming up empty handed. I quit that night and went to bed, but the next evening I was determined I was going to find something about him; I knew I would, if I could just spell his last name correctly.
I asked my mom. I told her how the name was sounded out and asked how she thought it would be spelled if it were Polish. She gave me a few options, but when I googled them still nothing came up. I then even called my mom's friend, who has traveled extensively in Eastern Europe, thinking she might have better insight into the spelling of C.'s last name. Once again, I tried her suggestions, but it wasn't right. I wasn't finding him. I looked at the paper with his name on it. I just kept seeing how I had spelt his name and wondering how I should have spelled it. After some moments of looking and thinking I realized something I hadn't thought of before: maybe what I had thought was an "e" in his last name was actually a "c."
As soon as that thought came into my head I went to my laptop and googled C.'s last name with the "c" in it instead of the "e" and voilà I found him! I was beyond excited and then...
I'll let the following correspondence via Facebook tell you what happened next...
December 16
12/16, 2:41am
Hi, M. I am so sad to be writing you.
My name is L. and I knew your brother C.
Yesterday I had found an old, dusty box filled with all of my "journal" writings from around 1989-90. In it I found things I had written about C.
I wrote about how much I liked him. I wrote about fatefully running into him at Mardi Gras in New Orleans - when he was with his roommate Doug, his friend, John, from his fraternity at UVA, who at the time was practicing law in New Orleans, and some of his other buddies and how we had hung out together until 5:30 in the morning. Oh, what fun we had! How infatuated I was with C.!
I wrote about how my "like" had turned into more than that... more like, I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH EVER ON HIM! I thought he was so cute and sweet and nice... and he loved playing basketball just like me... I wanted to fall in love with him! But more than anything, I just wanted to be his friend... I just wanted to be around him... to hang out with him... to soak up all of who he was...
Well, because of finding my writing about C. and all the emotions I had felt for him (the depth, unbeknownst to him, I'm sure, as I was very shy back then) I thought I would try to find him to "look him up."
I was getting frustrated in my search because I didn't have the right spelling of his last name, but I persisted... and finally just now I spelled his name right and I saw that yes, there were things I could read about C. _____! It had felt like a needle in a haystack search and yet I found him... because I read, "C. S. _____, _____, U.S. Navy | U.S. Military" and I was so happy... until I saw beneath that headline something about death. I was like, no, please, no.
I didn't even want to open the link up and read, but I did and it just broke my heart; it breaks my heart now...
I know so much time has passed for you since your brother's death that it may seem ages and ages ago, but to me, just learning of it now, I have all the raw emotions as if it has just happened and I feel so sad... just pure, cry-my-eyes-out sad.
I found your name because while looking up C. - seeing the photo of him in his military uniform and reading about him - there was another name and photo that came up... E... your mother. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, too.
But I guess, even though C. died so many, many years ago now, I wanted you to know that he was never forgotten by me, that he was someone who made a difference in my life, that I looked up, with such great respect, to him for who he was as a person - probably most certainly as a testament to your parents.
I really loved his humor, I loved his intellect. I loved that he could be serious but didn't take life seriously... he was such a free-spirit in such a regimented military, if you know what I mean. I truly held deep feelings for him as the wonderful, charismatic, amazing guy he was, and I hold those feelings to this day.
So many times in life one doesn't know if they have made a difference in anyone's life, much less someone whom they had such a short time around, but again, I want you to know that your brother made an impact upon me and my life... and it was such an invaluable one to me...
I am utterly devastated to learn of the loss of his life... your brother was a beautiful person and the world deserved more of his beauty in its midst for a much longer time than was given... we got cheated... but I guess heaven got rewarded...
Most sincerely, but with such deep sadness,
L
December 16
12/16, 6:46am
M.
Hi L. thank you so much for your letter. I'm crying right now thinking about how much everyone and I loved him. C. lived life to the fullest and without regrets. He loved the Navy and flying so much that he re-enlisted 4 times which put the odds against him. I will definitely share your letter with my 3 kids (my middle daughter is named after him (C.). I was pregnant with her when ________.
12/16, 6:49am
M.
Many of his friends that lived in _______ with him still have an annual triathalon where they talk about C. for Labor Day weekend. Now that everyone is getting older, I'm amazed that they can still do a triathlon! Again, thanks for the wonderful tribute to C.. I'm visiting my dad for Christmas and will also share your letter with him. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. M.
December 16
12/16, 3:37pm
Oh, what a great tribute to your brother that you should name your daughter after him… C. is such a pretty and unique name.
Thank you for writing back and letting me know of the tributes for C..… by you, with your daughter, and by his friend’s holding the triathlon. They are so well-deserved! I cried all over again. As I said, for me, it’s as if the events had just happened and I feel shock, like, no, it can’t be. Please let it not be! And still feel so very sad. I hope you don’t mind that I’m writing… I think it is because I’m grieving…
It’s funny to me how I wrote back then… I hope it’s okay to share; that you are okay with me sharing… but in one journal entry, February 27, 1990 I say, “On Saturday night I ran into the love of my life - C.! I was so stoked to see him. He was with his roommate Doug, and Rick, K.'s neighbor. He looked so incredibly good. Every time I see him he looks better and better and I wonder why I was never in love with him before. I think he and I look good together.” I go on writing about the night out and how much fun I had with him.
Later on March 7, 1990 I wrote, reminiscing about our time fatefully running into each other in New Orleans, “I can remember looking up during my conversation with one of his friends and he was looking at me, our eyes met and locked, and I wondered what he was thinking. He came over to me and held my hand.”
In that same entry I write, “I talked to John, his lawyer friend from N.O. - a fraternity brother at UVA. I told him how much I liked C. but I didn’t think he liked me in the same way. John said that he got the impression that C. really liked me. I didn’t take what John said to heart. You see l feel as if I’m not C.’s type. John said I didn’t have enough self-confidence. For not knowing me very long he sure had me pegged!”
I continue, “But the thing is, I feel like C. would prefer someone kind of opposite of me - someone cutesy, preppy and blonde. I don’t know. I think if he gave me a chance he would really like me - at least as a friend… we have a lot in common. We’re both kind of free-spirited, we like all kinds of sports and he especially likes basketball. There is probably even more we would find in common if we could ever get together.”
Of course I wrote lots more, but that is just a glimpse of how I thought about C. so much! I guess when you have a crush on a guy that’s what you do… think, think, think on him…
Oh, my gosh, I feel overwhelmed with so much emotion now and I know I will for some time. I have thought of C. so many times through the years, but before I found the journal writings I didn’t remember - even closely - how to spell his last name to even try to find out anything at all about him. I doubted I’d find him single. I expected to see that he was married with three beautiful children. I never in a million years thought that my looking for him would find him lost.
Again, thank you for writing me back. I appreciate it greatly.
Sincerely,
L
________________
So, that's what happened... I went in search of my "particular guy" and I had found that he had died - 20 years ago. It still makes me sad to write that; to think that he isn't in this world any longer.
M., C.'s sister, sent me some photos of him. I posted them to my FB page with the following message:
These are photos of my friend, __ C. _____, who died way too young (32) and who was the kind of guy I think God rarely makes any longer. Even though he died 20 years ago, because I had lost touch with him (too bad we didn't have social media back then!) I just found out two days ago about his untimely death... and I have mourned for my friend as if his accident has just happened... I am grieving that the world was only allowed to know this amazing guy for such a short time... but feel so blessed that I was able to know him at all…
Oh, Life, what are you about?
My only consolation is that, I guess, in the end, I did find something incredible for my "vision board..." the knowledge - the remembrance! - of what kind of guy is my ideal... not perfect... just ideal... and I can keep that kind of guy - front and center - in my mind... both consciously and subconsciously... in that place where dreams can come alive...
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