Living in the Past

"The sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love." ~ Pearl Bailey

I did something I never thought I would do. Almost twelve years went by and I never did. So, why, I wondered, did I do it now?

I called, G.G., the guy who had been my greatest love; the guy that broke my heart. In my post called, Love, I wrote, "The moment I got my apology I knew that I would never talk to G.G. again in my life - not because I would harbor anger, but because that was just the way it was going to be." Well, I guess never is a long time, or in this case, nearly twelve years.

I think, in the end, he got "involved" in the New Zealand "fate line" which I talked of in a previous post. And just until I wrote that last sentence I didn't see my getting back in touch with G.G. as part of something that happened only because of that one fateful event that caused me to travel to the other side of the world in the first place, but now I do see clearly that it was one of that journey's many and varied results.

Because this is how it happened: G.G. lives in Hawaii and I knew I would be stopping there on my way to New Zealand, visiting my brother for several days, and then stopping for a long layover on my way back from NZ to my home. I got the thought in my head that I would call G.G.'s parents' for his phone number - I had long since lost track of any way of knowing how to contact him - tell them that I was in Hawaii and that I wanted to get in touch with him.

But my time was short in Hawaii and I lost my "real" phone in a taxi cab (I know I lost it in the cab because I got a text from my sister saying to call the cabdriver because he had my phone!) and just ran out of time to actually get it back. So it wasn't until I was waiting for my flight to Auckland in Honolulu airport that I thought it was probably the right time on the mainland to call G.G.'s parents, and I did. I used my iPod Touch which I had turned into an iPhone (yeah, you can do that!) and rung them up.

His mother answered and right after I introduced myself as being an old friend of his and that I was visiting Hawaii and thought I would get in touch with him, she was like, aren't you the girl that called from ______ about ten or so years ago? Wow, I thought, either I'm super memorable or she has a good memory… and I went with the latter of the two thoughts. She gave me his phone number and had a few choice comments to say about him and all I could do was commiserate with her because, well, I knew him!

I casually asked whether he had married or had children and she said, "We have no idea! He tells us he didn't get married, but we're really not sure." Mind you this is a guy who last saw his parents fifteen years ago! Anyway, after talking with her for a few minutes I realized that I really didn't have enough time to actually call him and decided that if I felt like it on my return I might try.

Well, I did have a really long layover on my return from New Zealand in Honolulu. It was Thanksgiving Day but it wasn't until I missed the first opportunity of flying out (I was on a standby pass) that evening and had another hour-and-a-half before my next chance at getting on the flight out of Honolulu, that I remembered my thought of calling G.G. I told myself, well, you're still in Hawaii so you can tell him that you were calling because you were in the islands (not making it clear that I wasn't going to be there but for an hour more!) and I had thought of him and decided to call. And that's what I did. I nervously dialed his number, not sure what to expect. His voice mail came on and I left a very simple message and gave him my phone number. Then I went to my gate and got on that next flight out of Honolulu.

When I got back to my home I was so tired I slept for 22 straight hours. And when I checked my "phone" after I had slept so long, I saw that somewhere in that time a call had come in from G.G.'s number. He had called me back! Yeah, I was surprised he had called me back because he's the kind of guy that would let "sleeping dogs lie." He didn't leave a message, but that he called was the message!

I didn't call back right away. I was too tired to want to talk, but then the next day I saw that I had missed another call from him by mere minutes so I picked up my phone and called him right back. And when I heard his voice answer it was surreal; I know this guy, I thought, but I don't know anything about who he has been the past twelve years: who is this guy?

But we talked and though at times it had a bit of awkwardness about it, it wasn't awkward at all when he said that he really missed me and I told him I had really missed him, too! I always knew he loved me as much as he could love anyone in the world, despite the fact that he couldn't give me all of his love, and he pretty much blankly stated that fact… he said to me, "You know I've always loved you."

However, his mom had warned me that he had had problems with alcohol, she didn't say he was an alcoholic,  just that he had, at least to her knowledge of past events, had a problem with it. And I could tell that he had been drinking when I called him back. I did ask if he were married, or if he ever had been. He said, "No." I asked if he had any children and to this he said, "Yes." There seemed to be a daughter, but he was vague on everything about her, finally just saying, "Why don't you call Stephanie and ask her." So the "feeling" I got from that part of our exchange is that he had not known he had a child, that he was thrown a curveball when it was revealed to him much later, and that he didn't seem to be allowed to participate in her life.

Since that first call he has called me a few different times, sometimes early into my morning, though only late in his night, because of the time difference between us, but also during his day. I think he is the same, and the same is not really a good thing to be after twelve years have past. 

He's the guy with all the potential, and that's what it remains - potential. But I'm very familiar with that person because I have been that person. Hell, I am that person now. But, psychologically, I am much different than who I was when last in his life, psychologically I have grown by leaps and bounds. And it's the psychological part of him that is no different than it was before… at least that's how it feels to me now. I think we will keep in touch and the more I get the chance to talk to him the more I'll be able to evaluate how he has - if he has - grown.

Why should I care if G.G. has grown or not? If his feelings about me are just as they were? Complete love without being in love. Really, I don't know… I do things because I follow the intuition inside my head… often I don't know why I should, but I think the answer is about helping me learn. Sometimes it feels as if my intuition - that voice inside my head - is just testing me to see if I do "hear" it and if I will follow it. And when I do follow it, it's like getting a passing grade which encourages me to keep following - that somehow, in the end, it - my intuition - will lead me exactly where I need to go.

Life is as much a mystery to me as any other person, but I do try to "figure" it out as best I can… sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, and sometimes I just draw even, but it's that excited anticipation of wondering what's behind "door number three" that keeps me ever seeking...