49 plus 5

"It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up." ~ Vince Lombardi

I turned 49 six days ago. It was the worst birthday of my life... worse than the one when I was twelve and my mom figured I got enough cake and ice cream at our annual church picnic that she didn't need to make a special cake for me... or even bother gathering the family around to sing Happy Birthday! Worse than when I turned sixteen, started my period (for the first time ever!) and, since my mom was out of town, I had to make my own birthday celebration; decorating the chocolate cake I made in M&M's with the words, "Happy Sixteenth Birthday L!" Yep, this past birthday was one for the annals of, "Best of the Worst Ones!"

So much of it had to do with C. and his unexpected "grenade" landing in my lap, i.e., deciding that he no longer wanted to be my sperm donor (after so many months of telling me he couldn't wait for us to begin that journey together!).

I honestly feel like I'm at the end... done... in every way... not just on this particular journey, but on any journey that might be in my future plans. I just get that overwhelming feeling that I'm not strong enough to be on the journey, much less, the, "hero's journey." I question why I ever thought I was fit enough to fight the dragons! I say to myself, "Other people have that will to fight on even when there is nothing seemingly in their life worth fighting on for!" And then I view me: I have so much given to me that would seem to be worth living for and yet I don't feel up to the task!

But alas, I find that I have a "funny" relationship with God... He throws what I feel is "crap" at me and after I try to defy Him by giving up and saying, a slightly milder form of, "FU" He makes my mind travel back to the beginning; back to dreaming and back to miracles - back to dreaming miracles!

I can't get away from this journey: the path has been set before me... surely there must be "free will" involved in whether or not I proceed, but it doesn't feel like that to me... it feels fated, as if I am the key player in the play that has already been written for me, about me, and directed by a "Director" who takes my "No!" as, "Yes, let's proceed on and make this a performance worthy of my director's  creative brilliance!"

I don't know what lies at the end of this journey... only that no matter what obstacles I am faced with while on it, that I am bound to finish it.

Of course today the journey feels like it just plain sucks, but with God you just don't know.... tomorrow might be when a rainbow lights up in the midst of a stormy sky. I can only hope; believe that God has a purpose as to why I am writing this blog; that when the dots are connected backwards I will have the joy of having actually seen that God knew what He was doing...

Here are the emails I sent to C. after my first pissed off missive (noted in my previous post). But I have not yet heard a response back from my most recent "mad-as-shit-but-trying-to-hide-it" email sent the day after my birthday... I wish I could feel more optimistic about what he might reply to me...