Traffic Patterns

"Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to the solution." - Dr. David Schwartz

I'm disappointed in myself. I had a goal in my mind to have an insemination in March and it didn't happen.

I'm so completely stuck. As I just wrote that previous line it reminded me of a scenario that happened a few years back. I was driving down a main thoroughfare in the city, on one of those roads that start at one side of town and go miles to the other side, with what seem like a million stop lights in between. Usually, when you're on a road like that, the lights are on a timer, so if you've made it through one intersection you should be able to get through the next one, and the next one and so on. Your in the flow of the "traffic gods."

I'm always pretty impatient when I drive in traffic. The open road, that's a different story; it's therapy, but put me in traffic and I yearn for a chauffeur. So on this particular day, when I was driving that drive across town and I was missing every single light, I felt like I just couldn't get a break. I wanted to be where I was going already and every time I got up to the next light it would turn red and I said, exasperatingly, to myself, "I can't catch a green light to save my life." And immediately my mind answered back, "Maybe not catching the green lights are saving your life!" It was just that feeling of recognizing that being stopped at getting what I wanted might actually have been the better thing for me. It was a strange feeling; strange enough that I've never forgotten it.

So, when I just wrote, "I'm so completely stuck," I was going to follow that thought with the frustration I feel at not being able to figure out what to do regarding finding the right sperm donor. I feel so much pressure to get it done now - yesterday, really - but then that other thought - the stuck in traffic thought - came to me and I was once again reminded of the lesson I feel I learned from that, which is that being stuck might actually be the better thing to be happening to me right now.

I'm 48 years old I can't afford to be stuck is not faith-filled thinking. Faith-filled thinking is believing that being stuck at this moment in time, despite being 48, is saving me. Whether being "stuck" is allowing me to not pick the wrong donor, or whether it is giving me time to have the right donor appear, or some other thing entirely, remains to be seen.

But I do know the light will turn back from red to green. When it does I will lift my foot from the brake, place it back on the gas pedal and take off, this time in the flow of the "traffic gods," or maybe my chauffeur will be doing the driving : )