M.I.A.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know. I've been missing-in-action for the last several... months. I guess there are a multitude of reasons, some more compelling than the others. But I think it probably, most likely, boiled down to just blogger burn-out. 

I mean, I know why I started writing this blog: it was basically to chronicle my journey to a miracle - hence the blog's name, Dreaming Miracles. I'm not sure how to write what I felt - and still feel - in a humble enough way for people reading to understand where I was coming from, but I'll give it a try. 

I felt called. Like, as in, yes, a "calling" by God. Yep, just as I thought, you can not get around trying to seem humble when you tell someone you felt that you were called by God to do some particular thing! 

However, what I think is, everyone is called at different times in their life to do something that God really wants them to do; called to do something that was chosen particularly for them, by and through their own uniqueness. It's only a matter of if - when you were "Nudged" - you took that feeling; the "Nudge" - as being from God? Did you hear it, feel it, sense it, see it? And when you got the "Nudge" did you ignore it, or did you follow where it led? 

Well, like I said, my "Nudge" was to write a blog about being older, single, unmarried - with no prospects! - and wanting to find not only love in the form of a husband, but to get pregnant and have biological children of my own. I wanted the family I had dreamed of since I was four years old and understood what it was to want a wish come true. 

And the "Nudge" told me - I suppose the "told" was more like a persistent thought that one day seemed to get zapped into my head from out of nowhere - that I needed to write about my journey to attaining my miracle so that when I got the miracle someone could see that it wasn't like magic, but it that it was all about Faith... and that Faith wasn't a straight road easily followed, but that it had many curves; curves that could take you up peaks and down into valleys. The "Nudge" wanted me to write whatever and wherever the journey led; it wanted every curve, every peak, every valley, and every "accident" that tore me or smashed me up along the way, publicly written - date-stamped - down. The "Nudge" told me that everything I wrote would be important later. The "Nudge" didn't let me know when "later" would be, only that "later" would be the miracle, and "later" would be the end of this one particular story. 

As I imagine is often the case, when a matter is between God and oneself, the next persistent thoughts were why I shouldn't pay attention to the "Nudge." "You're not a writer!" Resistance said. "Hell," Resistance reminded me, "you're not even good at grammar!" Resistance belly-ache laughed when telling me, "You go from past-tense to present-tense and don't even know it!!!" 

Now why would that be? Why would - when you have something that you feel God particularly wants you to do for some good purpose - you would be confronted with the swift mockery of Resistance that follows the "Nudge?" I can't be positive, but I believe it is because miracles are special gifts; really, really special gifts, and I think that sometimes, in order that one be given to you, God wants to know that you have the Faith it takes to fully, completely, and sincerely appreciate it... to the point where, when you go out and say to the world you got your miracle, you had been through the "fire;" you'd been tested and come out stronger than you ever thought to imagine your strength could be.

But, for all Resistance efforts at trying to have me ignore the "Nudge," none of them worked; the "Nudge" was so powerful; the "Nudge," I believe, was Faith, itself! And I took that leap off the plank... I decided to try my best to follow Faith on an uncharted journey and I began to write. 

I've written for over 5 1/2 years now and nothing has changed in regards to my attaining my miracles - the dreams of my soul - except that I have gotten older. I could dwell on that negatively - the only getting older part - but I try my best to understand that that means the miracle has become even greater. 

I didn't stop writing this blog the past several months because I had lost Faith in my miracle; I haven't. My Faith still fluctuates just as it always has... though I think I may have learned how to tighten my grip better when I feel it trying to slip away... I still believe! I stopped writing because it felt like it didn't matter; like no one cared if I did it, or didn't do it. 

I guess, I just got tired of feeling alone in this "blogosphere;" alone, wherein, I write and write and write, but I never have anyone express thoughts, at all, about anything I have to say! 

I wrote this blog for five years and never really felt like I needed to be supported; needed to be encouraged. And I wasn't sure why it was, that after all the years that passed, I somehow all the sudden deemed that I needed something from my readers... that I needed to know if any part of what I had to say meant anything, to anyone, at any time?

I never did figure out the answer to that question before I just decided that it shouldn't matter - at least that's not what my priority in writing my blog ever was before and should be now. 

I decided that I needed to just write for me; I needed to just write because to me this journey I'm on is as exciting as going to any foreign lands. Hell, this journey is ALL foreign land... and it's with out a map, much less, an itinerary... and as I've learned - because it's the way I travel to real foreign lands! - not knowing anything about where I'm going, what I'm doing, or how things can possibly "work out" is the most exciting - and life-changing part of the journeying experience. All the personal growth I've gotten while traveling has been when - faced with the unknown - I've just said, "Fuck it," and proceeded on... even when things went wrong, I kept going... until they were made right. 

Amen, Sister!

"You gotta dance like nobody's watching, dream like you will live forever, live like you're going to die tomorrow and love like it's never going to hurt." ~ Meme Grifsters

I'm glad to see this opinion so prominently put forth. I agree.

Everyone of us is different. Why should we be judged as if we were all the same? Why should we be judged at all?

The writer's points on the ability of the father to reproduce offspring at an advanced age is not thought of as taboo, why should it be for the mother? And, she also notes what I see in my own life: my 85 year old mother interacting with her 30 year old granddaughters that both love, adore and seek her wisdom. (Plus, I live with her and I have - at times - the tendencies of a teenager!)

As much as the medical area of fertility treatment is positively advancing, the medicine of aging is also just as positively advancing... helping us lead longer, better lives. Why should we allow ourselves to be stuck living within the bounds of old paradigms? We shouldn't. And, I won't.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles

"When people say odds are a million to one, ignore the million and focus on the one." ~ Aaron Baker

Wow! This is an amazing story, but it especially resonated with me because the guy had/has the same mind-set I have had throughout my own long journey... 

His and my journey couldn't be more different, but our attitude towards beating the odds and overcoming the statistics... are exactly the same.

Extra

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." ~ Georgia O'Keeffe

So, this was an interesting piece of news... how special for the parent's! Nothing like a BIG surprise!

I'm so happy for other peoples' nice surprises, while at the same time, I'm ready for one of my own!

"If you can dream it, you can do it. Don’t forget. This whole thing started with a mouse." ~ Walt Disney

Well, I'm really, really hoping it doesn't take me so much longer to attain my dreams but, if it does, it does... 

I, like the woman in the article, would never allow anyone to tell me what is, or isn't, right for me. 

Until you walk in another's shoes you can't possibly have knowledge of who they are, what they're about, or where the journey of their life is meant to lead...

Incredible Life

"There is just one life for each of us: our own." ~ Euripides   

I've been meaning to post this for some time... it's from Wikipedia (I wonder who originally started the page?!)... make sure you read ALL of the right hand column... pretty incredible!

Dreams and Dying

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I haven't written any posts in the past couple of weeks because I'm back once again to feeling the worst of my nausea. It never goes away. But sometimes it has degrees of worse. Lately I've been in my worst degree. It's not just hard on me physically to feel such overwhelming nausea, it's really difficult on me mentally, as well.

When I feel this level of bad the pill I take (Zofran) doesn't work; I get no relief. I just have to bear things as best I can. And often, at least when it last for this long, I don't bear it well, at all.

My sister who got diagnosed with A.R.V.D. (the genetic heart condition my dad had) and had to have a pace-maker and defibrillator put in her has gone through some mental difficulties of her own, but the difference between her dealing with her medical issue for the past six months and me dealing with my issue - non-stop - for the past five years, is that she is afraid of dying, while, I, on the other hand, am more afraid of living.

Yeah, it scares me more to think that I might go through any more time living this physically miserable life than it does for me to consider death. Because the life I lead when I feel like this already feels like death.

It doesn't just feel like the physical misery one might go through when dying, but it engulfs me in a mental and emotional way, too. I'm not able to dream. I'm not even able to want to care about my dreams any longer. And when you reach the point of not having dreams to live for, well, what do you have left?

I try my best to hold onto the hope that I will be cured of whatever this illness is, but as time keeps going by the harder it gets to believe.

I want to scream at God - I have screamed at God - "What do you think I'm made of? All of this is more than I can bear." But he either isn't listening, doesn't care, or believes I have more in me than I think I do. I don't know.

I do know that it's virtually impossible for me to get out and enjoy the world and attain the dream's of my heart when I can't even get out of my bed.

I mean, it's frustrating because I ovulated again this weekend and I could have had any number of guys - guys I like - that would have had sex with me - and, truthfully, whether I got pregnant or not, that would have been fun - but I couldn't even imagine meeting any of them feeling as bad as I do. It's kinda hard to get in the mood for sex when you feel like you just want to lie your head on the rim of the toilet seat ready to throw up.

When I get better - and I have no idea how long this "worse" will last - I do have some things to share. I do have some things to say.