Dreams and Dying

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I haven't written any posts in the past couple of weeks because I'm back once again to feeling the worst of my nausea. It never goes away. But sometimes it has degrees of worse. Lately I've been in my worst degree. It's not just hard on me physically to feel such overwhelming nausea, it's really difficult on me mentally, as well.

When I feel this level of bad the pill I take (Zofran) doesn't work; I get no relief. I just have to bear things as best I can. And often, at least when it last for this long, I don't bear it well, at all.

My sister who got diagnosed with A.R.V.D. (the genetic heart condition my dad had) and had to have a pace-maker and defibrillator put in her has gone through some mental difficulties of her own, but the difference between her dealing with her medical issue for the past six months and me dealing with my issue - non-stop - for the past five years, is that she is afraid of dying, while, I, on the other hand, am more afraid of living.

Yeah, it scares me more to think that I might go through any more time living this physically miserable life than it does for me to consider death. Because the life I lead when I feel like this already feels like death.

It doesn't just feel like the physical misery one might go through when dying, but it engulfs me in a mental and emotional way, too. I'm not able to dream. I'm not even able to want to care about my dreams any longer. And when you reach the point of not having dreams to live for, well, what do you have left?

I try my best to hold onto the hope that I will be cured of whatever this illness is, but as time keeps going by the harder it gets to believe.

I want to scream at God - I have screamed at God - "What do you think I'm made of? All of this is more than I can bear." But he either isn't listening, doesn't care, or believes I have more in me than I think I do. I don't know.

I do know that it's virtually impossible for me to get out and enjoy the world and attain the dream's of my heart when I can't even get out of my bed.

I mean, it's frustrating because I ovulated again this weekend and I could have had any number of guys - guys I like - that would have had sex with me - and, truthfully, whether I got pregnant or not, that would have been fun - but I couldn't even imagine meeting any of them feeling as bad as I do. It's kinda hard to get in the mood for sex when you feel like you just want to lie your head on the rim of the toilet seat ready to throw up.

When I get better - and I have no idea how long this "worse" will last - I do have some things to share. I do have some things to say.