Extra

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." ~ Georgia O'Keeffe

So, this was an interesting piece of news... how special for the parent's! Nothing like a BIG surprise!

I'm so happy for other peoples' nice surprises, while at the same time, I'm ready for one of my own!

"If you can dream it, you can do it. Don’t forget. This whole thing started with a mouse." ~ Walt Disney

Well, I'm really, really hoping it doesn't take me so much longer to attain my dreams but, if it does, it does... 

I, like the woman in the article, would never allow anyone to tell me what is, or isn't, right for me. 

Until you walk in another's shoes you can't possibly have knowledge of who they are, what they're about, or where the journey of their life is meant to lead...

Incredible Life

"There is just one life for each of us: our own." ~ Euripides   

I've been meaning to post this for some time... it's from Wikipedia (I wonder who originally started the page?!)... make sure you read ALL of the right hand column... pretty incredible!

Dreams and Dying

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I haven't written any posts in the past couple of weeks because I'm back once again to feeling the worst of my nausea. It never goes away. But sometimes it has degrees of worse. Lately I've been in my worst degree. It's not just hard on me physically to feel such overwhelming nausea, it's really difficult on me mentally, as well.

When I feel this level of bad the pill I take (Zofran) doesn't work; I get no relief. I just have to bear things as best I can. And often, at least when it last for this long, I don't bear it well, at all.

My sister who got diagnosed with A.R.V.D. (the genetic heart condition my dad had) and had to have a pace-maker and defibrillator put in her has gone through some mental difficulties of her own, but the difference between her dealing with her medical issue for the past six months and me dealing with my issue - non-stop - for the past five years, is that she is afraid of dying, while, I, on the other hand, am more afraid of living.

Yeah, it scares me more to think that I might go through any more time living this physically miserable life than it does for me to consider death. Because the life I lead when I feel like this already feels like death.

It doesn't just feel like the physical misery one might go through when dying, but it engulfs me in a mental and emotional way, too. I'm not able to dream. I'm not even able to want to care about my dreams any longer. And when you reach the point of not having dreams to live for, well, what do you have left?

I try my best to hold onto the hope that I will be cured of whatever this illness is, but as time keeps going by the harder it gets to believe.

I want to scream at God - I have screamed at God - "What do you think I'm made of? All of this is more than I can bear." But he either isn't listening, doesn't care, or believes I have more in me than I think I do. I don't know.

I do know that it's virtually impossible for me to get out and enjoy the world and attain the dream's of my heart when I can't even get out of my bed.

I mean, it's frustrating because I ovulated again this weekend and I could have had any number of guys - guys I like - that would have had sex with me - and, truthfully, whether I got pregnant or not, that would have been fun - but I couldn't even imagine meeting any of them feeling as bad as I do. It's kinda hard to get in the mood for sex when you feel like you just want to lie your head on the rim of the toilet seat ready to throw up.

When I get better - and I have no idea how long this "worse" will last - I do have some things to share. I do have some things to say.

Testosterone!

"Do you believe in miracles? YES!" ~ Al Michaels 

A video with a lot of testosterone in it, but really worth the reminder... of knowing what's inside you - greatness! 

VD

"Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that." ~ Unknown Author

So, last Saturday, because I had no reason to remember February 14th as being a "special" day... I forgot all about that day being Valentine's Day.

I had driven an hour the night before to go visit my sister (the one that used to live a plane flight away but moved closer to "home") on Friday the 13th for a get-together she was having and then I had been invited to an afternoon big, BBQ party by some new friends of hers the next afternoon - Saturday.

The small town she lives in is quaint and is situated in such a nice locale it has become a small (expensive!) resort destination.

I had a really good time both the night before and at the afternoon BBQ - maybe a little too good of time. It was just a beautiful setting; lots to eat and drink, and new people to meet and talk to.

I'm sure I drank a little too much but by the time I got back to my sister's around 5 PM I certainly wasn't ready to call it a night... she was! She has to get up very early for her job and knows her limits. So, I ended up ditching her and going out on my own. It's an easy town to walk around from one restaurant or bar to another, but first I decided that I wanted to just go to a park and hang out, listen to some music and watch the day turn to night.

After about an hour I was hungry and ready for a drink. The closest place was an Italian restaurant. I walked from the park and crossed the street to go there. There was a line of people standing outside the restaurant's doors, but I just thought, it's a resort town on a Saturday night. I walked right past all of those waiting in line because, being so often by myself, I know that when there's a nice restaurant there is usually a nice bar attached to it and I could simply "belly up to it" and order a glass of wine and an appetizer - without the wait. So that's what I did.

I found an empty seat, inquired of the trendy, older lady sitting to the right of it if it were available, she indicated it was, and I sat down. That's the first time I really looked around and saw that every single person in the place was a part of a couple... not even groups of couples... just individual couples! At that moment the dim light in my head lit up and I was like, holy shit, it's Valentine's Day, the one - of two - most obnoxious nights of the year for me (the other being New Year's Eve!).

Those two nights - Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve - would be obnoxious to me even if I were a part of a couple, for crying out loud. I abhor them as night's to go out and "live it up." I have literally always said that even if I were married I would never go out to a "special" dinner on either of those nights. And it's not that I don't love going out to dinner, nor do I have anything against celebrating those holidays... I just wouldn't celebrate them on the days they occur! lol! Yeah, one more of me and my idiosyncrasies.

I guess it just goes back to my independent, anti-you-name-it nature! I mean, I could see going out with a boyfriend or husband on February 15th or January 2 to have a nice, intimate evening together and celebrate with food and drink, but I've practically sworn that I would never do it on the actual holiday!

I just wanted to sink my head down right then and there, but I had already ordered my wine and appetizer. I was just gonna have to "buck up." And I didn't even have my phone with me - I had left it at my sister's house - so I couldn't even try to ignore the "love" going on around me by peering at the latest goings on via Facebook or Twitter. I had to put my happy-and-I-don't-give-a-fuck face on.

I guess I put the right face on because the trendy, older lady sitting next to me started a conversation. I found out all about her, and how she had met the elderly gentleman partner with her (who I, at first, assumed was her husband). They had had a Fateful meeting a few years earlier. He had been visiting her town, with friends, and lived quite far away, but they struck up a conversation and, viola!, here they were staying in the resort town for the Valentine's weekend.

Since her gentleman friend was sitting on the other side of her - and it was Valentine's Day - I think she felt like she might be talking to me a little too much and needed to divert her attention back on him. Probably a smart move.

That left me once again yearning for my partner... my iPhone 6! I needed it! I missed it! lol!

But really, for the most part, I did surprisingly well for being the only single person (outside the waitstaff!) in the whole entire restaurant and bar combined!

As disgusted as I was to find myself out on Valentine's Day evening, I thought I was managing - and actually enjoying myself - pretty darn well. I wasn't going to let Valentine's Day ruin my plan of going out to some nice - and different places - just because I was all by myself. This was a mini-vacation weekend for me and I intended to enjoy it. So once I finished my wine and appetizer at that bar I was ready to go on to the next.

In my conversation earlier with the trendy, older woman I had asked her which of two particular spots she would choose if she were going to be wanting another cocktail and appetizer - which I most definitely was! - at a different place. She had recommended the resort restaurant and bar itself. Hmm... I thought, can I manage that? The actual resort hotel from which all these lovebirds were nesting? Well, I had heard it was a lovely place so, off I went.

The resort was lit up beautifully as I walked its vast grounds and made my way to the grand entrance. I was glad it was a long walk. I needed the fresh air for sobering purposes and to muster the confidence (no, the alchy I had to drink thus far was not enough) to walk into that expensive love-shack.

I made my way down a short hall - passing the restaurant - and went into the the doors to the bar, opened at the far end. The place was packed. At first I didn't even see an open chair at the bar, but I continued walking around it and noticed one free spot at the far corner. I asked the couple next to it if it were vacant. They cordially said, yes, that no one was seated there, and invited me to sit. I smiled at the nice-looking, 60ish gentleman and his slightly younger female companion, took my seat, and let out a small sigh of grief at not having my long fingers wrapped around my loving... iPhone!

As I said, I was at the back, side corner of the bar so the gentleman had actually been seated with his back to me and the woman was seated with her back to everyone else - she only had eyes for him - but was know squarely facing me, too. There was a man somewhere - it was hard to see from my vantage point - playing the piano and singing classic Valetiney Day songs.

I always introduce myself to people - bartenders and waiters included - when I'm seated next to them (if they look at all receptive... and sometimes even if they don't!) and I did so with this new couple.

"Hi," I said, "My name is L." The woman told me her name first and then introduced me to her man. Right from the get-go with this couple it was like God said, "L, I'm gonna give you a break here since it's St. Valentine's Day, you forgot about that fact, you're by yourself amongst all these loved-up couples, and you accidentally left the inanimate love-of-your-life back at your sisters. I'm going to set you up so your seated next to the kindest, loveliest couple at this entire hotel."

Yeah, I think that's pretty much what God said. And I really was blessed. This couple just couldn't have been nicer. They were interested in me and wanted to include me. Maybe I had mentioned to them how I had wandered out alone on the single person's night from hell and just said, fuck it, gonna make the best of it and there I was. I thought I was going to have a beer and another appetizer, but somehow when the bartender came over to see about the couples second round, the next thing I knew the gentleman was encouraging me to order my "special" drink... a Bombay Sapphire Dirty Martini - straight up - olives on the side.

When our drinks were brought to us I raised my glass to clink theirs and said, "Happy Valentine's Day!" I inquired about where they were from and then found out all about their relationship.

They lived about a five hour drive from the resort hotel. They had met on Match.com about four months earlier and the most obvious thing of all was that she seemed smitten. I didn't need to know that he was... looking at her, and talking to her, I didn't see anyway he couldn't be... counting his lucky stars. But when she looked at him, the way she looked at him, made me feel happy for both of them. I think she had kissed enough frogs to last a lifetime... and she had found her prince. He was a few years older than her, but I think she reveled in his self-assurance, the aura he had about him.

I had managed to pick out and order my appetizer which was quite delicious (and much needed) and kept up a nice conversation with this happy couple. I remember at one point - and by this time I found out where the guy was - the piano player started singing a song that the woman said she loved. There were plenty of people already on the small dance floor and I asked her if she liked dancing. She said she did. And then I think I practically pushed them out of their chairs to get out there and dance to this favorite song of hers.

When they came back they wanted to order one more round of drinks and asked if I wanted another, also. I did. I love a good martini... and the one I had was made excellently. They continued to include me - probably due to the perfect mixture of them being empathic and me being funny - and when they finished their drink it was time to bid them a fond farewell. And when the gentleman asked for his tab he told the bartender to include all of my tab on his. It was the sweetest of gestures.

Once again, I was surrounded by couples but this time I felt more alone. Ugh, the longing for the comfort of my iPhone was deep. But, I decided, the night was still early - about 11PM - and I thought I would like to have a glass of red wine. But when I ordered it I asked if I might have it in a "to-go" cup. I told the bartender that I wanted to take it outside where I saw there were chairs and a fire pit on a patio.

When I walked out into the cold night air toward the chairs around the fire pit, it was once again obvious that it's was all couples sitting around talking with each other, but I found an Adirondack chair a little further back and plopped myself in just trying to take in the feelings, sounds, and sights around me.

Shortly after I had sat, a "blue-collar" kinda guy came out to smoke a cigarette. He was by himself. It was the first time I had seen anyone (other than waitstaff) by themselves. He stood by the chair next to mine and I welcomed him to have a seat. I wasn't "interested" in him, just wanting him to know if he wanted to sit it was fine to do so, i.e., the seat was open.

I only talked to him briefly but I got his "story" and I felt a little sad for him.

He, like all the others, had come to the resort for a special Valentine's getaway. He was with his partner of six years, but he basically said he was completely miserable. And it didn't have anything to do with his partner per se. It had to do with the whole, wanting to please her aspect. He basically just was a simple guy. He said he liked hunting and fishing and being at home on his land. He gestured with his hand back at the resort just behind us and said it wasn't "him."

I think he was having a hard time knowing that he wanted to please a woman I'm sure he loved and yet sacrificing himself in the process. I commiserated and told him I was proud of him for getting out of his "comfort zone." It isn't easy I told him, but it's often needed and good. Hell, I thought, that's pretty much what my whole night was ending up being about!

He went back into find his sweetheart and I stayed out by the fire just thinking... about everything... life, hopes, dreams, fate... love...

Later, when I went back into the bar the piano man was still singing, but it was last call. I asked the bartender if I could order a glass of champagne - I told him my situation - that I was dumbfounded to find myself out on my "nightmare" night of the year - and I wanted to celebrate... me! I think he told me that they didn't serve champagne by the glass - though, in hindsight I don't know if I believe him. I told him fine, I'd buy a bottle.

I just wanted to spend money and do something completely special for me. He told me he'd have to go to the kitchen. I saw him leave the bar and go through the kitchen doors and when he came back he told me he couldn't serve me the champagne. He didn't come right out and say it, but I think the gist was that I was cut off from last call.

But even as he told me that, he brought out, and placed before me on the bar, a carton "to-go" box and said it was his gift to me. I opened the lid and inside was the most decadent looking chocolate lover's chocolate desert I had ever seen. Let me pay you for it, I said. No, he had replied, he wanted me to have it to as a little something to celebrate for my Valentine's Day.

With that, I paid for my one glass of wine, said my thank you's, and was ready to get back "home." I had actually survived going out on a Saturday Valentine's Day evening, with what felt like a teeming mass of lover's, all by myself...

For me, it wasn't just surviving... it was pure triumphing!

It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over...

"The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it." ~ William James

Well, this is a very timely (read: extraordinarily-needed!), nice, little story...

h/t Sandy Robertson