The Closing Chapters?

"The impossible only exists until we find a way to make it possible." ~ Mike Horn

Last Wednesday I had a phone consult with the fertility clinic doctor - the same clinic I went to when I got my 9 eggs retrieved in 2009, two weeks shy of turning 46. 

Since 2019 it had taken me forever to get up the courage to talk to either of the two doctors. I had asked to speak to the colleague of my original doctor because when I went to the clinic in 2019 I had an appointment set up with the "main" doctor only to have him go out of town at the last minute. And, as I explained to the clinic staff then, the flights and accommodations for me to be in Chicago had already been paid for; it was basically a, then thing or never thing, so my appointment was re-scheduled with the "other" doctor face-to-face and we had a good thirty minute conversation. 

Remember, in 2009 I only ever had a phone consult with the fertility doctor (he didn't even have a colleague back then) up until the five minutes before the anesthesiologist put me under. So it wasn't as if I had developed some loyalty rapport with him. I liked him for the five minutes I met him in person... especially since he promised to - and did! - honor my request (even though he was adamant it would be worthless!) to get any germinal vesicle cells! 

OMG! Just writing the above and the memories of these intervening years come flooding at me! Twelve! Twelve YEARS have gone by since then. I just had my 58th birthday two weeks ago. 58!!! LOL! I mean, what the fvck can you do, but LOL at this adventure... or mis-adventure! Do we know what it is yet? Obviously, both - adventure AND mis-adventure! But what is the final outcome? Adventure would equate positivity to the journey's end. Misadventure I think would be more along the lines of negativity, overall. But I have to say, misadventures can be highly amusing and highly wisdom-building. 

*Timed out for a 10 minute talk with God at this point* Like, just went back to the beginning of this journey with him. Blamed him, lol, for the "bright" idea of writing about a journey of faith to attain a MIRACLE - the "Hero's Journey" (which I had no idea that even was a was as I began writing) to fight the dragons and bring home the boon. I was like - to God! - I'm just a human being; I'm not smart enough to have thought up the idea on my own! So, I gave him 90% of the blame and I took 10! But, I continued with him, I'm #TeamGod no matter what happens! However, I added, it would seem lame to put me on the journey without the miracle at the end. But look what you did to Job!!! At least I haven't had to deal with pestilence! I really can't imagine an ending that doesn't give me the miracle, but then again, I'm human and God is God, and I believe God is capable of all things! Maybe it's my human naivety. Maybe I live in Dreamland more often than I should. Maybe my mustard seed of FAITH just doesn't allow me to think any differently. Like, it's not that I don't realize the odds against me are millions-to-one; that it will take a million miracles to make just the one. I know that. But, I don't know how this story ends. And you don't know how this story ends yet, either! 

So, when I got on the telemedicine appointment I think my first words were something about me being so scared, or anxious, to be having the appointment, but Dr. H made some jokey remark asking if he looked so intimidating. No, I said, you don't. And from there we went into the consult. I had to briefly bring him up to speed on my journey with the clinic; how he got involved and what I wanted to do by the end of the year - which is try to get pregnant myself using my own eggs! But I told him that I only wanted one "straw" (each straw has three eggs in them and I have six "mature" eggs). I guess they like those best, the mature ones, but - for some unknown reason - I've always felt like the immature and GVC would be more protected coming out of a long freeze and might be "coached" into "crossing the finish line" better intact to receive the sperm and more hardy for the journey of becoming my child. 

Which makes me think - this whole journey is going to give me a lot of insight on my intuition - or lack thereof! - and on, most likely, my whole world view: spiritual, psychological, emotional and physical. But, hey, can you ever really take a journey... any journey! - hell, it might even be to the grocery store! - wherein you don't come back from it, maybe even in the smallest of ways, a different person? Isn't that what Life is? Continually journeying forward to try to change and grow in positive ways that make some small impact on the greater good of ALL? Whether or not you ever even know what that good might be? That's Faith, right?

So then in the consult we finally got to the question of whether they would take me on as a patient three years over the recommended ASRM (American Society for Reproductive Medicine) 55 year cut-off age? My feeling regarding that is, the age of cutting off a woman receiving embryo's after 55 is a "recommendation" it's not a rule; it's not a law. My thought is, look at me as the individual I am! I'm not a generic 58 year old. I'm unique and I deserve to been seen uniquely. And why not just make me go through the stress tests and the EKG test, get the psychological analysis, the letter of good health from my GP, etc. and see what it all adds up to? If it adds up poorly then require that I have a surrogate, but if it adds up well, let me have at least my one try! Plus, I'm using my own eggs! It's not like I'm taking from something that isn't mine already. 

So, now just waiting to hear back. If my fertility clinic after all these years won't stick with me... and that's a whole other thing (btw, you better believe that I will pick my ball up from the sandbox and go "play" elsewhere... in the world)! For instance, I follow the clinic on Instagram (the place where every company and every brand is happy and wants to make you - their customer - just as happy, lol!) and I told the doctor, I see everyone - every race, every couple (same sex or not), every "problem" pregnancy represented, but me. I told him, your Instagram page is all about rejoicing in how many various groups of people and individuals you give their dream of a child to, but I don't see me! I don't see the woman - who has the same hopes, dreams and obstacles of the others, only with more time trying to overcome them! - represented, at all. Where am I in your Instagram "story?" Where am I advocated for by you as a part of the "diverse family" you say you serve? Because I don't see it; I don't feel it; it certainly doesn't make for a feeling of not being abandoned. 

Bottom line, a "no" will not deter me. A "no" from the original clinic - where I already beat their odds given to me 9 times over at a "late" age - will only make me move on to another clinic that will help me try, as best as can be done, to beat the odds again. 

See, the story won't be over until the eggs have had their say. The story will only end when the eggs either bring a child to me or they don't. Now the story is becoming about those 9 oocytes cryopreserved in a dark container somewhere "out there;" the story is about who they are; what are they made of; do they have the ability of reaching their full potential? What - the biggest question might be - is their potential?