I don't know anymore. I'm lost. For the past five days I haven't left the house and barely gone outside my room. I've treated myself terribly; reminding me - with descriptive detail - of all my failings and flaws .
My oldest sister, knowing that I have been going through a hard time, sent me a video of a little girl loving on her baby sister. She wanted, I think, to let me know she had that same sisterly love towards me. It made me sob, but not because of anything to do with sisterly love.
This is a the video she sent me.
She also left me the following gift:
I haven't talked to her or my two other sisters in these past five days. I usually text or chat daily with each of them. I haven't wanted to do that. But I wrote my sister the following message just now and thought I would post it here because I'm still on the journey. And I still want to share what that journey looks like.
"The video is very sweet, L... so much emotion for me... and cuteness in it! ❤
Also, thank you for my heart "Strength" rock. I appreciate you thinking of me and giving me that gift. I am having a hard time right now because I don't know how to believe my dreams will come true - like the card you gave says you're hoping for.
It is difficult for me to not believe in miracles, but I don't want to get hurt any more by living in a fantasy. I'm sad. I know everybody has their difficulties in life, I'm tired of not being able to handle mine. I'm just tired.
My problem is that I never ever in my life wanted to be by myself. It was never in the realm of my thinking that I would end up single, never married, spending my life without a family of my own. I wasn't prepared for it; I'm not prepared for it.
I'm not some feminist woman who doesn't want a man in her life. I have craved intimacy since I was 12 or 13 years old - for 40 years! - and I only ever had it for six months, 25 years ago. Really all I ever wanted for my life, the thing I thought I would be best of all at, was being a mother. I thought that would be the best job I could ever have!
I can't explain it other than I never wanted anything else besides having a husband and children. I wanted six kids! I've had names picked out to give them since I was 14 years old. I've really tried hard over the years - especially during the past 8 - to BELIEVE that those dreams of my heart, and mind and soul would come true!!!
I concentrated on, and practiced, everything "they" tell you to do to get the life you want: visualization, repeating affirmations, writing your dreams down on paper, listening to the positive-mind tapes I made. I worked on trying to understand the spiritual realm better; looking for signs, talking to my angels and anyone "out there" who could help me; asking for their help. But nothing seems to ever change. I just get older. I just see my dreams passing me by with every year.
There's a part of me that's a fighter and that part doesn't know how to give up on my dreams; that part knows that miracles are real! It feels like both a blessing and a curse. Because I don't know how to give up on believing. I don't know how to let go of my faith. But then the reality is that I'm 52 years old. 52 is young for doing a lot of things in life, but it's not young for the things I want most for my life.
I just looked up from writing this and I see the video image of the little girl loving on her sister. Her small hand placed on her face and I remember how, in the video, she just petted her, just wrapped her arms around that little baby and gave her all the love that she could give and I just cry and cry and cry because I know that's the kind of love that's inside me wanting to come out.
You may read this and have all kinds of things you could think to say to me about how I should be, or what I should do. But right now I just don't want to hear any thing. I feel like I'm mourning and I just want to mourn. Even as I write that last sentence I know it - mourning - isn't what I want, at all. I want to rejoice. I want to be happy. I just don't know how to do that right now."
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