The reason I needed a sign is because I've been having a really difficult time in my faith lately, or rather, lack thereof. And most of my angst and lack of faith was because I never seem to be able to make a relationship work. It's like I pick guys that say all the right things and then they do all the wrong things, i.e., they make me feel such hope and happiness and then leave... gone... with no clear understanding as to why. And I'm left with, WTF? I'm left with feelings of sadness and hurt... and longing for what I can't have...
I made an appointment to go back to my counselor - I hadn't seen her since October when I left to travel - because I felt like a sinking ship.
The first thing I said to, Mia, my counselor, when I saw her was, "I don't think I know how to be happy." That's pretty much the whole nine yards... I don't think I know how to be happy. It's like happiness just seems to allude me. I mean, of course, I have moments of happiness, but I don't know how to live "in" happiness. I want my dreams to come true. Period. I think I'm deserving of my dreams coming true. Period.
And because they haven't come true, and keep not coming true, I start living in a place of fear and worry and doubt, but dreams or no dreams, I don't want to live a life like that. Period.
Faith is the place where I want to live. Hope is the place where I want to live. Belief is the place I want to live. And I'm pretty sure that place is: happiness.
So, I asked Mia what was blocking me from attaining living in that place called, happiness. She told me a couple of things.
First, she thinks that I am too rigid in what type of guy I want... like, he has to be this and this and this. I disagreed with her. I do believe I am open to whatever kind of guy the Universe wants to bring me, with the only caveat being, that he loves me as much as I love him. But she thinks I base my judgement too much on looks. I told her that I had to be attracted to the guy. She thinks attraction can come later. She thinks I can like a guy I'm not attracted to, but think is kind, and humorous, and intelligent, and then gradually become attracted to him. And she doesn't think I'm doing that. But I disagreed with her. I think I am open to that. It's happened with me before, but the guy was married so an intimate relationship wasn't possible.
The second thing she talked about with me was, that the Universe wants me to have everything I desire, but that, yes, something was blocking me from being able to receive it. She suggested that I ask the Universe to give me a clear and understandable sign of where my blockage was coming from. As much as I believe in signs, I have to admit that I have doubt about how I could see, hear, read, or, any other way, of a getting a sign that triggered the understanding of where my being blocked from happiness is coming from. But, I guess I'm going to have to be open to that; open to asking and getting an answer to that seemingly very difficult question.
Anyway, I have once again started to read things that are spiritual... a daily missalette - a book that contains the Catholic mass during each day of the year... morning and evening... is one of them. I think taking time to spend with God is the only way I can get back to my place of faith; it's the only way I know to keep myself lifted up by the light, rather than drown in the dark.
Life seems like such a hard game to play, but at some point, if not master it, I want to become very good at playing it... and I suppose the hard parts of Life are where you learn to become a better player... getting through the hard parts seem to give you a greater knowledge of how to win... I'm ready to win big at the game of Life...
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