But I have wanted to share with you what was happening with my cycle. As you may recall in March I went into anaphylactic shock (still unsure what exactly caused it!) and rushed to the Emergency Room where I was admitted right away.
In the E.R. the doctor pumped 125mg of Solu-Medrol, a steroid, into my body via I.V., as well as a few other drugs.
My body had a horrific reaction to the steroid that lasted over an hour (in which time not only was I in severe pain, but out of my mind - literally - I was not in my right mind!). It was scary, but I got through it, the inflammation went down and I was given an rx for more steroids (a different kind) to take for the next seven days.
Of course after that seven day period I thought I was back to normal, that everything was fine. And it was fine, from an inflammation standpoint - that had completely subsided - but what I came to find out later was that I really wasn't "fine," at least my body wasn't fine - it didn't behave normally - and I say that my body didn't behave normally because, for the first time in my life, when I was supposed to start my period (I had ovulated that month) it never came!
Not having my period come for the first time, at my age, was like having an, "Oh shit!" moment. It was really upsetting to me because I thought that it might be the beginning of that word I don't mention that starts with an, "M." But after having talked to my neuropsychiatrist and, later, my new OBGYN, they both assured me that the high dose of steroids that were put in my body would have definitely caused my hormones to become imbalanced and out-of-whack enough to make me miss my period.
Of course I had a huge feeling of relief at that news, but then the problem was - I didn't know where I was in my cycle! I had no idea (my cycle can vary by a few days anyway!), not even enough to try to find out if I was ovulating, as I felt like it would be just throwing away good money (those ovulation kits aren't exactly cheap!). But I did take note of when I thought I was ovulating, but it was purely by how my body was feeling, and when I thought my period should come, what I thought was long after it should have come, it didn't. Now I was getting nervous again.
I had an appointment with Dr. M., my regular doctor, on a Thursday and expressed to her my concerns; how long it had been since my last period. She was concerned too and prescribed some progesterone capsules (which would make me start bleeding!) to take if I didn't start my period by Monday. She also wanted me to start a an rx for progesterone cream five days after my bleeding had started.
I really wanted my period to come before Monday, so I didn't have get the progesterone pills, not only because of the out of pocket expense (I spend so much out of pocket expenses for my health issues as it is!) but also, most importantly, because I just didn't want to have my period made to start by unnatural means!!! But my period didn't start on Monday so, that afternoon, I went to pick up the pills and cream at the apothecary that would be filling that prescription.
Later, however, I had to go to my regular Walgreen's pharmacy to pick up a new anti-nausea medicine (my insurance company was denying me the Zofran that I had been taking for my nausea for the past year) and I was feeling so sick I was just desperate for it to work, but unlike the Zofran (I had had the kind that you put under your tongue and it melts and goes almost immediately into the bloodstream which takes away my severe nausea within minutes) this drug wasn't working (I had taken it like a drug addict - the minute the pharmacist handed me the bottle I swallowed the two pills prescribed!).
By the time I got back home this anti-nausea medicine was still not helping and I felt so utterly ill that I walked in the front door, right past my poor mom (not even stopping to say a word to her!), went straight to my bedroom, turned out the lights (evening was falling), turned my stereo on, found a song on my iPod - this classical piece of music - piano with violin - and put it on repeat. I laid on my bed, in the darkness, listening to that moving music and cried and cried and cried. I cried for the sickness I felt, for the nausea that I can't seem to have leave my body for these long three years, and I cried for having to take those progesterone pills that night before I went to bed, because as I said, I wanted my period to come to me naturally and I felt so sad that that hadn't happened.
I cried with this overwhelming sadness for everything seeming to be going against me, going against my dreams, for at least an hour - it was probably more - I had so many tears that just needed to be shed. And then, at some point I stopped crying, but I just kept lying there on my bed in my darkened room with that touchingly, lovely music playing endlessly, and I was just left feeling hopeless and sad.
But as my thoughts were still being propelled to go in such a negative direction, about my life and my situation, I heard a voice say, "Wait!" The voice had forced its way through the clutter of my thinking. What I heard was in my head, I didn't hear a sound, but I heard the voice very loud and very clear; it was strong. I even asked, "Who are you? Please reveal yourself to me?" because I wanted to try to understand if hearing, "Wait!" was coming from my own imagination, or if it was coming from some other entity (if you've followed this blog you know that I believe strongly in God, in "signs," in angels, and in spirits!). The only thing that came to me was the name, Ruth.
Ruth was the name of my paternal grandmother who was one of the great loves of my life, but I had never before called her Ruth, for as many grandchildren are apt to do, even while much older in life, they still call their grandmother, grandma, or nana, or some other name by which that person wishes to be known. I had always called mine, grandma, but I don't ever once remember calling her Ruth.
So, I can't really say if it was my grandma's voice "talking" to me, but I also can't say it wasn't! And every time I asked, "What are you trying to tell me? What is it I need to know?" I got the same answer, "Wait!" and then, as if needing a little more encouragement, "Just, wait!" was added to what I was hearing. And the "Wait!" was telling me not to take the progesterone pill that night. I was "told" to hold off on taking it.
When I questioned the wisdom of that, saying that I felt no symptoms of a period even remotely coming, I heard the voice ask me if I thought my emotional crying might not be an indicator? I said, in my thoughts, that I didn't think so, but I was now, because that question was asked of me, not feeling sure. I certainly felt like my crying and sadness had been for very real reasons - my continuing to feel so ill with constant nausea and seeing no "light at the end of the tunnel," and that it was understandable for me to feel sadness over having to start my period unnaturally. But, really, after that thought entered my mind, I couldn't conclusively say whether it might be related, or not, to what might be a "symptom" of my period coming.
If I waited, as I was being told, the voice simply reassured me that if I didn't start my period the next day I could always start the pill that next night instead!
I remember going back and forth with these "thoughts" in my mind. I was questioning the reality of it. Was it just my imagination, or was I really "hearing" someone, or my angels, trying to give me a clear message? Finally, the voice, being so persistent in my mind in telling me to, "Wait, just one more day," I decided to heed it, but I wondered at what cost?
And I say, I wondered at what the cost of heeding the voice would be, because I knew it had the power to critically change the reality of my thinking. Because up to that point, I felt as if my intuition was becoming stronger and stronger, and that my ability to see and understand "signs" was a "language" I was beginning to be more clearly adept at.
Now I was being forced to a cross-roads. If I heeded the message of this voice to, "Wait! Just wait one more day!" to not take the progesterone pills, which would unnaturally start my period, and it still didn't come, I felt as if I would forever doubt my intuition, that I would forever doubt those inklings, those "voices" inside my head telling me of this thing or that, of leading me, as they had been, towards my dreams these past four years.
And as I laid on my bed in the darkness, with the music continually playing, I was thinking about all of it. I told myself that even if my period did not come the next day I would still believe in my angels and my spirit guides, but I would always doubt my own intuitive abilities - the stakes, I thought to myself, were high - I would either fail the test - not have my period the next day - and doubt my inner-wisdom forever, or I would find success - my period would start - and I would know, from that point on, not to doubt myself, not to doubt what my instincts were, nor where they were leading me.
And with that thought on my mind, I turned off my music and fell asleep.
The next morning I had not started my period. I had gone to the bathroom really expecting to see blood and there was not even a little bit of spotting... there was nothing, no sign of anything, and my body felt perfectly normal, not one signal that indicated to me a feeling of a period coming.
But I had my acupuncturist appointment that day and needed to leave my house by 10:15 a.m. And just before I walked out the door to leave, I thought, I better go to the bathroom one more time before I get to that appointment. So, I went into the bathroom and peed and when I wiped myself with the tissue I couldn't believe my eyes... on the tissue was a big swipe of pure red blood! I had started my period! That voice I had heard the night before, continually telling me to, "Wait! Just wait, one more day," was not my imagination!
I felt like I won the lottery! Not only had I started my period naturally, but I could now completely trust my intuition and the "signs" I felt I was always getting that were leading me in the direction of my dreams! I felt like I was being "looked after," that I had God, my angels, and spirit guides, so very close at hand! It was an amazing feeling which I will forever be grateful for and never forget! I had heard that persistent voice inside my head telling me to, "Wait," and I followed that voice with nothing but the pureness of faith and I had won - in so many ways - I had won!
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