Sidetracks and Setbacks

I've spent the past five weeks ill. I had nausea so bad that I didn't want to eat, and I didn't. I've lost ten pounds (I was twelve pounds overweight, but believe me, being sick wasn't how I planned to lose it). I finally had a EGD done last Tuesday and it revealed that it was red and inflamed from my throat down into my stomach. The cause has yet to be determined.

I've been so discouraged, not just at feeling so bad physically, but in losing all of the hard work I had done in trying to keep my body at as peak a condition as I could for maintaining my fertility. I had been religiously taking my vitamins (I take 15-18 supplements daily) which I had to quit. I was working hard on my diet; getting the best nutrient-rich foods I could muster (not easy for a junk food lover!). In addition, I was trying my best to stay positive and faith-filled.

Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on to my dreams by a thread. At 46 years old, with the odds already stacked against me, I can't afford to be hanging on to an unraveling thread and that's what being so sick has felt like.

The best thing I could do for myself is learn from my past. So, I did the same thing that I did three years ago when I had my debilitating headaches: I thanked the illness. I just said, "Thank you sickness for coming into my life because I know you are here to teach me something I need to learn. I don't know what the lesson is, but I know it is for me to be able to advance positively forward." And then I added, "I offer up my feeling bad, both physically and mentally, to the benefit of G's good health and happiness and P's hopes and dreams coming true (I felt so sick that I thought I had enough suffering to be able to do two beneficial offerings!).

But I guess another thing that this challenge, at this time, has taught me is that my "heels are dug in." I may lack faith in many areas of my life, but come hell or high water, I am not loosing my faith on my Dreaming Miracles journey. I will have the faith of a mustard seed. Maybe God hasn't come down to tell me, like he did telling Abraham of Sarah's future pregnancy, but I'm going to act as if He has told me something: keep going towards your dreams.

My M/O (method of operation) has always been to give up when times are tough, to just curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by, and this time, on this particular journey, I refuse to do anything other than, in faith, slay dragons.

UPDATE: The biopsy from my stomach came back negative (I guess for cancer) which is great news! I was feeling so hopeful because I had about five days where I actually felt better and thought, okay, it's over, then my nausea kicked back in. I've now lost three more pounds and am under what I consider my ideal weight. It's discouraging!