Where to Go, How to Get There?

"When the world says, "Give up,"

Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' "

~ Unknown 

Hmm...I'm not even sure how to write what I want to say. And I think the reason I feel that way is because of judgement. Other people's judgement. After all these years you'd think I would be free of caring what other people think about my life and the choices I make for it. In this moment, I am free of caring. But in order to write my truths I have to think about me and set other people to the side.

I haven't written a post lately because I didn't really have much to say. Plus, after my mom died I had to move - within 6 months - from her house to a rental (the house I own next to my moms still had tenants on a lease agreement) and, unbeknownst to me, my rental was a horror house of mold! It always smelled musty but I didn't think how that could affect my health: extremely adversely.

*Deep sigh* at 60 I don't feel any differently about what I want than I ever did - big but - but I've had to have the talk with myself about my future. And what I finally feel able to do, is let go; to fully and freely let go. What that means for me is that I can make it through the rest of my life alone. 

I've been on my own for so much of my life and I know I don't like it - I'm a Libra with Venus in Libra, for crying out loud! - it's why I moved back to be with my mom after my dad died. At that time it wasn't for my mom, it was for me. Being alone is not easy. So it's the thought of, can I make it through the rest of life - even if that means 40 more years! - on my own? And my answer is: yes. Yes, I can do it... life goes by so fast anyway! 

But wait! What I didn't do is quit! When God is in the picture there is no room to quit. God brings ANYTHING - any possibility - into the realm of "reality." How old was Abraham's wife Sarah when she laughed at God for telling her that her old and barren body would produce an offspring? God is always the unknown variable in any situation. Plus, I can't quit because I still have the 2 immature eggs and the GVC (germinal vesicle cell) - the GVC the doctor said was useless to get - still cryopreserved. But science needs to catch up in being able to coax those eggs into maturity. And I believe the science will do that in the next 2-3 years. Yes, that makes me even older to have a chance to fertilize them, but that's the journey.

When a child is born they wouldn't survive without the help of someone; then they become a toddler and they still need to survive but they're becoming more independent-minded every day. At about 15 or 16 they're usually still under the parent's roof but they are more and more physically and mentally "out the door." At 17 I left for college. I did go back to "visit" home on breaks, but it felt more like, that's where I grew up versus that's where I live. So, my parents had me and nurtured me for 17 years at which time I left them to have my own journey in life. I'm explaining this because if God did do something crazy and I got pregnant at 62, I would have a good 17 years with my child and I would be 79 when my child "left for good." Based on how my mom did, she had a mental "hiccup" around 79, but then she was self-sufficient until her fall at 86. She lived a harder life by 88, but did it beautifully until she was 93. So, if I were to live to the age of my mom my child would be 30 years old when I died. They could easily be married with children by then. *sigh* I just want to do whatever comes my way at whatever age it may arrive.

I am letting go. I think I've realistically looked at a potential future life of not attaining my dreams and said, it's not what I want; it would be hard, but life FLIES by and I am strong enough to make the most of whatever journey I am given. But God will decide how it ends.

Georgiana

"If there is anything better than to be loved, it is loving." ~ Anonymous

My mom, never known by her birth name - Georgiana - died. It's been near six months since her death January 11, 2023 at age 92 3/4 years old. I'm still deep in mourning. 

The following is the eulogy I gave at her funeral. I'm posting it here because it tells as clearly as can be "summed up" my relationship with my mom.

Mom’s Eulogy entitled, “Cats and Chair Legs”

Hi, my name is L. My friends call me ____ or just L. I’m the sixth of my parent’s seven children. I want to thank you all today for taking the time to come - from near and far - to honor our mother - legally known as, Georgiana _____ - but aka Georgia Ann ____. 

I remember writing the eulogy for my dad. I thought it would be hard to do, but I wanted to do it. And now I’m here again because I want to be. But this time, it’s harder. So much harder.  

I thought I had had deep love for both my mom and dad and my grandma, too! They were my everything. 

But I realize now, I didn’t know how high the level of love goes. I didn’t know what the ultimate kind of love was. I didn’t know the kind of love where I would do something incredibly hard, but say, when my mom asked if it was hard, “No, it was EASY!” I didn’t know the kind of love where, you could feel like you were drowning, but you threw the only life jacket to the other person and when asked if you were okay, you’d say, “Yeah, I’m fine!” I didn’t know that kind of love before.

But I do know - and have for years - that it would be hard to love someone more deeply than I loved our mom. And yet it wasn’t always that way. We have to go back a bit.

I was 4 years old. And I had 5 siblings older than me. But my mom would say to me, every so often, “You’re the one that’s going to take care of me when I’m old!” Repeat, “You’re the one that’s going to take care of me when I’m old.” And *sigh* I think by age 10 I figured out that, NO WAY! No way did I want to take care of my mom when she was old! I probably finally told her I didn’t want to take care of her and I wasn’t gonna take care of her! And she never said those words to me again. Ever.

And then with my teens years, of butting heads with her and being the brat I was, she probably was like, “I’m NEVER going to let L take care of me when I’m old!” 😂 

But God had his plan. His Plan is the one that IS GOING TO BE. There’s no way around it… I’ve actually tried!

So re-wind to what seems like a thousand years! 

I moved back to _____ in 2007 to live with my mom. And it wasn’t for me to take care of her. It was because I was lonely and had been on my own for longer than I could ever have fathomed. I needed the companionship; I needed the love! I needed her. 

And I wish I could say it was all smooth sailing, but it wasn’t. My mom had a lot on her plate… of which I knew nothing at the time. And, ultimately, she had a breakdown that I wasn’t sure she could recover from. I remember a psychiatric social worker saying to me, “The mother you had may be gone; this (crazy person!) might be your “new” mom!” And I fought that idea like a crazy person! 

I didn’t know how it would be done - how she would get from a psychotic breakdown back to her normal self - only that I was gonna be in the fight to make all the positives I could, happen. And that year of her recovery was the hardest year of my life. Much harder than anything that I have had to do for my mom in these last 6 years - and we’ve gone through some pretty tough times in these years too. 

But the one thing I promised my mom then - at the beginning of 2009 - was that I would take care of her for the rest of her life! I want to laugh because what my mom had said when I was 4 years old was manifesting into reality 50 some odd years later. But I said to her, “I promise, I will take care of you for the rest of your life!” And I kept my promise. 

But at the time I made that promise I had no idea that I would be bestowed the greatest kind of HONOR! 

That God was BLESSING ME with the most amazing GIFT!

That He was allowing me the PRIVILEGE of taking care of my momma. 

And not only did I get the gift of taking care of her! I got a twofer in the process! Because by honoring my mother, I honored my father… who had treasured her most! 

In my dad’s eulogy I read a poem by W.H. Auden and the poem describes just how drastically a loss feels and says, “The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the Sun, Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods; because nothing now can ever be as good.” 

And, *sigh* it was  true… But what I found, the longer I cared for my mother, was that losing her, for me, has been way more than just a, packing up of the moon and dismantling the sun… it feels more like, why not just take the galaxy apart while you’re at it! 

It’s a physical pain to no longer have that person around that has been loved so deeply, and so long, by so many. For my sisters - Le, C. and K. - to no longer have tea-time with our mom; to not have our mom join them to say their loving prayers. For Leeny to be somewhere in the world not be able to call just to hear her mom’s voice. For Le to no longer watch Jeopardy! with our mom and win against the tight competition. For my brothers - P.M. and P. - to no longer have a mother to drop in on. And for Chris to come over to visit before the girls came filing in. 

But, Chris, let me just tell you this, when I would ask mom… later, “How’d your visit with Chris go?” She’d tell it straight as can be. She’d say, “He fell asleep!” And then she’d add, “and he snored!” And my mom would continue by saying, “I just LOVE to hear him sleeping; I love to hear him snoring!” *sigh* lol! So, people, NEVER underestimate the power of your presence with an elderly parent. They can listen to you breathe - have you fall asleep on them! - and they will still be happy; they will still be so glad that you are there with them!

And, for myself, these years - the years of taking care of my mom getting older have, like I said, been a privilege I would never have fathomed. To get to know my mom; to get to love on my mom; to get to be “two peas in a pod” with her has been the greatest joy of my life. 

And our mom was tough! K. and I like the term “well-fortified” in regards to our momma… or as K. would say, “my Mams!” But Mam’s toughness wasn’t just a physical toughness but more importantly, it was a mental and spiritual toughness. Mam’s was mentally and spiritually well-fortified! And if God blesses us - her legacy! - with just some of that well-fortified mental or spiritual toughness it will be a gift we all should appreciate. 

With my mom whatever conversation she didn’t have with people during the day, trust me, at 3:00am her Chatty Cathy would come out. I’d say to her, why are you talk’n about all this now - in the middle of the night - when we had all afternoon together and you coulda said anything? And she was like, “Well, I wasn’t think’n of it then! 

And my mom was the most creative, imaginative dreamer I have ever known. I had a monitor in my room for her to call me and I found out, nearly every night was gonna be a great - tiring, maybe - but a GREAT adventure! 

One time, she called me on the monitor to help me get her out of the bath tub. It was 2:00am. I always tried to “air traffic” control those calls. Like, you’re fine use Runway 3 it’s wide open with a soft bed to land on!” I’d say, you’re not in the bathtub you’re in your bed. She wouldn’t believe me. So that was a, go upstairs and figure it out situation. 

When I got to her and laid on the bed next to her, I used my reason and logic skills to persuade her she wasn’t in the bath tub. I said, what’s your head laying on right now? You feel that? And she replied, “A pillow.” So I’d say, do think you’d have a pillow in the bathtub? And she’d say, “Oh, that’s a great idea!”  When I put the soft, fleece blanket against her skin, I’d ask can you feel that warm, fleece blanket on your face? And she’d be like, “What a wonderful wash cloth!” Like, there was nothing I was gonna do or say - and I kept trying! - to make her think in real terms - her logic and reasoning skill wasn’t losing out to mine that night, that’s for sure. So I took the L… I took the loss on that one! 

Another time in the middle of the night when I went up to give her water I asked, Whatchya been do’n? She answered, “Just taking a walk on the beach… in _____… with Grace Kelly! I was like, the Princess of Monaco? And, she was like, yes, of course. 

And then there was a middle of the night dream that involved being in Japan, a Lamborghini, my dad’s long feet, and short shoes. A dream that my mom would remember every detail of in the afternoon and laugh at all over again. As Kathleen can attest, my mom laughed at that dream being brought up for near a year! 

She dreamed of her sons and daughters and grandkids and great-grandkids and all of them were just too interesting; and amazingly detailed. P.M., S___ and Sa___ get’n shut down for gambling in Miami at 11:30 pm, then on the run up north where I guess my mom got involved at 3:00 am; the police surrounded them - they couldn’t go anywhere anyway the car was shot up with BB guns and wouldn’t work… that was right there between the Krispy Kreme and the Walgreens on ____ and _____. For that one I said, “Listen, mom, everything’s gonna be alright. And because you weren’t really instigating all the crime maybe they’ll give you… and I couldn’t think of the word I wanted to say… I was like, you know the word when you aren’t so responsible? and my mom said, “Clemency?” And I’m like, “Yeah, that’s it! They’ll probably give you clemency! “Jeopardy! Points” My mom dreamed that dream for 3 1/2 hours!

Our routine was 7:00pm supper and dessert. Then our loving CNA’s getting her to bed. And afterward that’s when I would find my way into her darkened room and lay down on her bed next to her and I would rest my left hand on her right ear - so she was cradled, and I’d find my “spot” where my forehead would be resting against her face. And we would have what we ultimately called Cuddle Time! And at first, when it started it was purely done for my mom. Because in my heart, I wanted my mom to fall asleep each night feeling PEACE; feeling LOVED; and feeling HONORED. And I think she did.

But then Cuddle Time turned out to be what we both looked forward to because, ultimately, I couldn’t help but feel the love returned. And my soul and spirit needed that, too! 

I have a prayer I want to say, but before that, I want to explain the title of this eulogy. “Cats and Chair Legs”

In the beginning I spoke about levels of love. And during Cuddle Time my level of love got tested. Because when I held my mom gently, like I mentioned previously, it was sweet and comforting. But all of the sudden she’d turn her forehead into mine and it kinda felt like she was burrowing her forehead into me. And the first time it happened, I didn’t know exactly what was going on, but then I got back into my “spot” and she burrowed into me again! And it finally kind of dawned on me and I said to her, “Mom! You are NOT a CAT and I am NOT a CHAIR LEG!” And *sigh* then I would scratch where she wanted scratched and we would get back to our Cuddle Time. But so many Cuddle Time nights my mom would continue to be the cat and continue to try and use me as the chair leg. Until, ultimately, it happened so naturally, we both got to laugh at my mom being the Cat and me being the Chair Leg! 

So, finally we come to the following prayer by John Henry Cardinal Newman written March 7, 1848 which is one that I - and my mom - hold dear. The prayer both reminds us of hope and gives us faith, and it reminds us of faith and gives us hope.

"Hope in God—Creator"

"God knows me and calls me by my name.…

God has created me to do Him some definite service;

He has committed some work to me

which He has not committed to another.

I have my mission—I never may know it in this life,

but I shall be told it in the next.

Somehow I am necessary for His purposes…

I have a part in this great work;

I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection

between persons.

He has not created me for naught. I shall do good,

I shall do His work;

I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth

in my own place, while not intending it,

if I do but keep His commandments

and serve Him in my calling.

Therefore I will trust Him.

Whatever, wherever I am,

I can never be thrown away.

If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him;

In perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him;

If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him.

My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be

necessary causes of some great end,

which is quite beyond us.

He does nothing in vain; He may prolong my life,

He may shorten it;

He knows what He is about.

He may take away my friends,

He may throw me among strangers,

He may make me feel desolate,

make my spirits sink, hide the future from me—

still He knows what He is about.…

Let me be Thy blind instrument. I ask not to see—

I ask not to know—I ask simply to be used."

BE IN JOY MOMMA! UNTIL WE MEET WITH YOU AGAIN… IN JOY ! 

__________

So as I said, it has been nearly six months since I lost my mom. It has been insanely hard because there was only one prayer I would pray to God regarding my mom dying. I said, "God, please don't let it be something I do or don't do that causes my mom to die." I prayed that prayer because I knew - as the sensitive soul I am - that I would be devastated to have to handle that kind of blame or guilt. And God, as he so often does, ignored my prayer! I have felt like I failed my mother. You can ask anyone that knew how I caregived for her and every single person will say something like, you gave her an extra 10 years of living; you didn't fail her. Heck, my mom would say that I didn't fail her! But it doesn't matter what they say, how good I know I loved and took care of my mom, in my head it's "factual" that I failed her. I can say, I wasn't the only one who failed her - there were plenty of failures by the hospital and the staff from the get-go that I feel failed her, too - but I was the only one that had prayed that prayer to God to not let it be something I did or didn't do... that caused her to die. You can read this and feel like, wow, she was 92 3/4 years old, it seems like she lived a long and happy life! But, in my mind, it's not the age - if it was a 2 year old I would feel the same way - it was the belief that her death was a *needless* death. In other words, I did not - still don't! - think she *had* to die then. I think she had the perfect storm of so many things out of her control - be it via me, the hospital or its staff (my dad used to say, "If you can make it out of hospital alive, you're doing something right!) - that her fighting to live... which she was... was an up-hill battle. 

So that brings me to now. My mom had, in 2014, amended her Will to allow me six months to live in our home - the home of my childhood - before I needed to move out. And now that six months is up just days away. I will be moving to a rental unit on July 11th and hope not to stay there for more than a year. I bought the house next door to my mom six years ago but have had it rented out while I lived with her. 

And, part of the reason why I wanted to share my mom and my story is because it ultimately does relate to my age and still wanting - going to be trying (I had dropped off it for the last year) again - to have the family of my own I have always dreamed of... and why I started this blog in the first place. I'll write more about the *significance* of our story and my Dreaming Miracles "journey" in my next post. 

Following is a short video clip of me and my mom over the years... 

What’s Another Year?

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." ~ Thomas Edison

I see - as I'm coming to write a new post - that I wrote the following, but never submitted it. Might as well do it now! I mean, for me, it still states my feelings perfectly!

Me - September 30, 2022 - 1 1/2 hours before I go from age 58 to age 59! Most anyone would say, what does a new year age number matter? I think most often it doesn’t… until you get to my age and you’re still wanting the husband and biological children you wished for nearly 40 years ago! It’s like, what do you do? What do you say? Everyone has their life going “normal” and you’re still dreaming miracles!

But you know what I tell myself - even when the people I most hope would support me with encouragement and well wishes… very obviously… don’t? - this is my Life! I don’t need the support; encouragement; well-wishes of anyone! I’m here to live my Life the way I dream it; the way I want it! If people I would hope would “be there for me” aren’t, no worries, mate! I've got a whole Life, you can’t possibly imagine, to live! A whole life there’s no way you could even appreciate because it’s too far away from your own at this juncture in LIFE! 

Listening to Hope

 "When the world says, "Give up,"

Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' " 

~ Unknown

So, I'm just going to post screenshots of the rest of the relevant correspondence I had with my fertility doctor, but really more importantly the fertility lab doctor. 

And I'm sure the more sane you are, the more insane I may seem to you (if that hadn't taken place already!) as I do mention some "futuristic" ideas that have - and still do - roll around in my head. 

But I have decided that whatever "projects" I do, to try - like, put my thought and effort into (and if you've learned anything at all about me reading this blog you understand my, "don't quit," "overcome the impossible," "expect a miracle" mentality) - helping me attain my goal of having a biological child of my own, that if, ultimately, I don't achieve my dreams, I may end up just helping women behind me achieve theirs! And, I don't know, it may not be the journey I wanted, but maybe it will be the journey that is needed. 

*Deep Sigh*

"Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles. Your decision to be, have and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else." ~ Brian Tracy

Well, I'm just gonna let screenshots and voice recordings tell this part of the story...

And then my recorded thoughts from that moment when I felt like my whole family got wiped out in one fell swoop, to later in the night; where I, most surprisingly to me, ended up. 

The following posted on YouTube...

First thoughts...

More time to think thoughts...

Oh, no, not again, thoughts...

And here is this song - it's even before my time! - the Five Stairsteps singing O-o-h Child a song that somehow became my youngest niece and my song, "our song" when she was probably 12 years old... she's 27 now! 

This a good version of the O-o-h Child

So, I'm not going to be doing anything with what little I have left - the two immature eggs and the germinal vesicle cell (GVC) - for at least another two-three years. Yep, I'll be 61 then, but unless my health deteriorates for some reason I think I can be "okayed" again by at least my doctors. And I'm not worried about the age thing. My mom is going to turn 92 in one month and she's pretty darn with it - she finds the words to finish my sentences because I'm too slow for her! - and loved enormously by all her grand-children - the oldest 40, the youngest 19 - and her great-grandchildren - the oldest 10, the youngest three all 1.

I don't know about life... but I'm feeling good about taking an extended break from this long, long, journey. And I'm hopeful that in the next few years fertility medical advances and technology will happily coincide with my return to the dream. And I did find out that God rewarded Job! So, we'll see... 

The New Journey

 "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey." ~ Stephen Covey

This morning, Friday, April 21, 2022, at approximately 9:45am, CST, the new spiritual journey of human life begins. 

Six of my nine oocytes - those oocytes that I froze 12 years ago right before I turned 46 years old! - will be thawed and fertilized. I can barely wrap my head around getting to these final few chapters! 

Of course my mind wants to be anxious, fearful, worried about what results, but I will not let it. I have always believed that this journey was about God and me. And no matter what happens I have been the faithful servant to the journey my soul wanted me to take. And I am grateful for that gift. 

But as I write this post mere hours before 10,000 x 10,000 miracles continues on and manifest in this world; on this earth, I have the faith of Job! I know God is with me and I am just constantly staying focused on what God is able to do for me; what his will is, really.  

I had, three months ago, finally felt "The Swirl" around me and because of all the signs I've asked for - and received! - over 20 years and more, I can only say, as crazy as it may seem, I would be more surprised if I didn’t end up with a baby than I would if I did! 

I'm reminded of what Steve Jobs said about "connecting the dots backwards.” And successfully completing this journey I feel like it's going to look almost unfathomable! But that’s exactly what miracles do look like! 

Remember, 12 years ago I named my blog Dreaming Miracles for a reason. And that reason is more upon me now than it ever has been! Today is a JOY day!

One More Time

 "When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' " ~ Unknown

This video post was "randomly" placed in my YouTube feed when I got on late last night to watch some of my main subscription channels. In other words, it has nothing to with any channels I subscribe to, it was put in as a "short" as maybe something I would be "interested" in? 

Well, finally YouTube actually had me figured out and put the right video in front of me at the right time... just as I'm working harder on my faith than I ever have before because this - close to getting all the answers for the end of my "journey of a thousand miles" - is when I'm fighting dragons left and right to their death to protect my belief in my miracles; my belief that God has walked this journey with me and will see me make it successfully to the last step just as he did when I took the first one!

This video - and, unbelievably, the comments section! - is what every woman hoping for a miraculous child late in life should watch to remind themselves that miracles do happen; and that Abraham's Sarah led the way! Remember, Sarah lol'd at the Angel's message, but God had the last laugh!