Nothing

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.

Some come from ahead and some come from behind.

But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.

Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"

~ Dr. Seuss

I have heard nothing from C. in nearly a month. I am discouraged. I don't know what to think. It is hard - the not knowing; not knowing if he is okay or not, whether he is able to write and doesn't, or whether he wants to write and can't. 

I haven't given up on C. yet. I know that there are many serious events playing out in the world right now that would require the skills of a military Intelligence officer who speaks Russian! And I don't see that those events will just go away any time soon. 

Over the next month I am not going to concentrate on the things I can't control and will try to concentrate on the things I can: me! I will spend time working to ensure that I am the best me - physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

I will continue to believe in my dreams. I will continue to be attached to my dreams coming true. I will, however, try not to be attached to however the Universe intends in making those dreams come true.

My motto is: this or something better!

Twelve Days

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible." ~ Unknown

It has been twelve days since C. last wrote to me. It feels much longer than that.

When C. had first left to go on his military deployment I had only "known" him one week. We had what seemed to be an unusual connection and fast-developing "relationship" which only increased and strengthened in the ensuing months of communicating via email. It still amazes me that we have not yet even spoken in person! But it doesn't matter; our heart's have "talked" with each other.

When C. originally left it took fourteen days before I received my first email from him. I remember wanting to hear from him, but not desperately wanting to hear from him as I do now.

I am sure that if C. and I had a fully developed relationship when he left on his deployment it would be hard enough not to have contact with him, but I don't think my mind would always be going to a "bad" place while I waited. I am constantly having to remind myself to be faith-filled, enough that it feels like I am slaying another dragon. But, thankfully, my journey had made me better at slaying them!

With the faith of a mustard seed I will wait for the day when the waiting is over. And I keep re-reading what C. wrote on June 6th regarding his time in Russia, "... If you don't get any messages from me please do not worry ... it is just the absence of a system.  Just remember the prize at the end.  :-)  

Not a Peep

"Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that." ~ Unknown Author

I haven't heard a peep from C. since last Sunday, June 24th (sent from him June 25th). It's so frustrating. It's like our relationship takes two steps forward, then one step back. I mean I guess the positive spin of that is that we seem to be progressing forward, but it is so excruciatingly slow.

And then of course because of what happened with G.G, the fact that he gave me his assurance of complete love and then chose to exit my life in such a callously cruel way - by just vanishing and without any sign that his love for me was anything other than exactly as he assured me - just leaves me with an unsettled feeling regarding C., as if he too could so easily abandon me.

Great! Thanks to G.G. I now know I have abandonment issues to overcome!

I try to tell myself that G.G. and C. are nothing alike and that in addition to that, my past is not my present, nor is it my future - I am presently making my future and feeling fearful is not a part of my plans. 

Fearfulness is lack of faith and my journey is about faith so I have to focus on the positive aspects of things instead of dwelling on what is difficult.

I think I will take another few days off from the internet. It helped me a lot the last time I did it - gave my mind an alternative to constantly being on the lookout for a message from C. Hopefully, on July 4th, C. will at last get a chance to celebrate our countries Independence Day by being at a place, and in a position, to actually email me. I'm crossing my fingers. I'm so hopeful, yet anxious to hear from him.

Interesting

"He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed." ~ William James

I came across this article the other day and I now have reason to find it very interesting (of course without the being married and the cheating part!)

Cheating

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost 

I cheated.

I lasted barely three days in my complete self-imposed internet exile. But I have to say that even in such a short time being "off" the internet I felt a mental relief re: C (and I started reading a novel - something quite novel!). I did get the sense of space and peace that I had much needed.

However, yesterday, Sunday, in the afternoon I got such a strong urge of wanting to know if C. had emailed me that I broke down, turned on my computer, went to my Yahoo! account and signed in. When the mail page opened up, my eye immediately (and with hope!) turned to the upper right hand corner where there is an icon of an envelope and the word, in all caps, reading, MAIL. Underneath that heading read: No new mail. 

I had prepared my mind that not getting any mail from C. was not the end-of-the-world, that things could still be fine, but even with my supposed new-found mental toughness, my heart began to sink. 

But it was just in that instant, where my mind was in the space of registering a sinking feeling, but not yet having hit bottom, that a red icon with the number 2 popped up on my screen and I read, "You have 2 unread messages." No one but C. writes me at that Yahoo! account so I knew that both messages were from him. And just as fast a my heart had begun its' descent downward, it now began to rise up with happiness and hope. 

This is what C. had to say and what I said back to him.

Quitting

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way." - Viktor Frankl

I'm quitting!

No, not my Dreaming Miracles journey, just the internet, and only for a couple of weeks. Which means I won't be updating my blog until about  July 2 or so.  

You see the problem is, every time I get on my computer I want to check if there has been any new email from C. and because there hasn't been I just get frustrated and disappointed. So, my thinking is, if I don't get on the internet, then I won't be checking to see if I have an email from C. I just need to let go of him. I need some space; I want some peace. 

I do believe that I will hear from C. again, but because I have no idea when that might be, whether it will be within two weeks or two months, it'll be good for me to be free of any expectations, at least for a couple of weeks. 

Of course once my self-imposed internet access denial is over, the first thing I will do is check to see if C. has written me, but by then I am hoping that my hopes of hearing from him will be more tempered, resulting in feeling less hurt should there be nothing new to report.

As I said, I am not quitting the "quest" of my Dreaming Miracles journey. I am more faith-filled than ever that all my dreams will be realized. I feel as if the Universe does have a plan for me and all I have to do is continue to believe that my souls longing; my dreams, are attainable and not only attainable, but almost within my reach. 

My motto is: if not this, then something better! As I wrote in my, “Uh Oh...” post, "That no matter what happens, even if C. were to do an about-face and change direction on his feelings for me and being my sperm donor that something even better and more miraculous would occur."

Something miraculous will occur. When it will occur is my only question.

Here is one last email I had sent to C. before my exile from the internet.

Yesterday

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

Yesterday was filled with the same hope and happiness that I have been experiencing for the past two months - ever since C. had come into my life - I didn't expect my day to end any differently than it had begun.

But it did - end differently. 

In one mere moment, from just before I opened the email C. sent me, when I had that feeling of hopeful joy that you experience when you are a little kid about to walk around the corner to see the Christmas tree and all of the wonderful gifts that Santa has brought you, to the moment after reading his message, when my hope-filled happiness turned to that feeling of helpless, sadness that comes with the cruel news that someone dear to you has died. 

After I read the email that C. had written all I can remember saying, over and over, is, "I am not giving up!" I said it to the Devil, aggressively and determinedly, "I am not giving up!" I said it to God, forcefully and assuredly, "I am not giving up!" And I said it to myself, loudly and clearly, "I AM NOT GIVING UP!"

I'd be lying if I said I was anything other than confused, disheartened, and profusely sad at this time. I'm not sure how I pick myself up from this ash heap of sorrow, but I will find a way because, "I am not giving up!"

Dreaming Miracles has been an amazing journey for me. And although I can not say how I go on from here, where I turn, who I turn to, my story is not over. I have repeatedly said that I will know when I have come to the end and I know I am not even close to being there yet.

As I wrote from the start, I was created by the Creator to create anew. Because I am created in the image of God I too have the power to manifest my desire from nothing but the pureness of my intention. 

God, as the bible tells us, didn't create the heavens and earth and all the "the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground," in one day, it took Him, what, six days? Six days, and that was God! 

What I am trying to say, is that even for God manifesting His desire didn't happen in the blink of an eye, it took time. I'm just a simple ol' human being with the same desire to create something from nothing that God held in his heart. It might take me more time to do it, but it doesn't mean it can't be done.

I said my Dreaming Miracles journey has been an amazing one for me and really I think it has because I am learning things about myself that I didn't know: that I am faith-filled, that I am mentally strong, that when I decide that I truly want something I have courage and forbearance to persevere  in the face of whatever dragon is put in my path! That I am not going to give up believing that my dreams will come true.

It is easy to believe in something you see, but the test of faith - which I believe is the great lesson that I am to learn in this life - is to believe without the benefit of seeing. 

And as Proverbs 17:3 says, "Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the LORD tests the heart." My heart is being tested. But I believe that God is testing my heart for a purpose that is beyond my understanding NOW, but that in the end will be revealed to be for a positive result.

The role of faith in achieving great (miraculous!) things is explained well here:

"Examples of faith. Hebrews chapter 11 is known as the “faith chapter” because in it great deeds of faith are described. By faith Abel offered a pleasing sacrifice to the Lord (v. 4); by faith Noah prepared the ark in a time when rain was unknown (v. 7); by faith Abraham left his home and obeyed God’s command to go he knew not where, then willingly offered up his only son (vv. 8-10, 17); by faith Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt (vv. 23-29); by faith Rahab received the spies of Israel and saved her life (v. 31). Many more heroes of the faith are mentioned “who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength*; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies” (vv. 33-34). Clearly, the existence of faith is demonstrated by action."

I am a simple person filled up with Faith. Through Faith, although I do sometimes feel beaten down on my journey, I also begin to feel reinvigorated. I am ready to slay the dragons and overcome any other impediments that come before me. 

This is MY quest; the desire to succeed has been forged in fire. Just as a hammer and high heat are used to forge instruments of iron, God uses trials to develop genuine faith and strength of character in us.

It is my belief that Dreaming Miracles will, in the end, be a testament to God's development of my strength and character. And from that development my dreams, my miracles, will be the fulfillment of His longing, His desire for my life. 

*my highlight