Nothing like getting a shot of hope when you start feeling a little hopeless!
Friday, November 9, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
32
"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about." ~ Unknown
Today is day 32 and I still haven't had my period. I know that within the last four years I've had my period come on day 31, but I don't ever recall it being as late as day 32.
Every ounce of me wants to feel anxiety and freak-the-hell-out! But every time I get that feeling of stress; of doubt, I just have to remind myself: FAITH! And after I remind myself to keep the faith of mustard seed, I say to God, "Thy will be done."
What more can I do than to believe that God's will for my life is perfect; that His plan for me on this Dreaming Miracles journey is to show me how perfect plays out!
I knew the past month's cycle was a strange one. First, I did an ovulation test stick on day seven and it came up positive. I didn't feel any symptoms but I usually find that those happen two days after I get the positive sign that I'm ovulating. The symptoms that I feel are usually just a slight achiness in my ovary area (most often on my right side). I was going to do the test on day eight just to double-check the result of the day before but my ovulation stick didn't work so I couldn't find out. Then on day eleven I actually did feel my right ovary area become achy and so I was sure I was ovulating, but then the same thing happened again on day sixteen, and again on day twenty!
I had told my doctor about the ovulation pattern I was experiencing up to the day sixteen mark (I didn't have an appointment with her to let her know of the day twenty achiness) and she said that older woman often ovulate more than once during the month, which is why twins often result.
So, at that point I was still feeling okay. I was still thinking my period would be later than its "normal" twenty-six day cycle but that it would come. Now, I'm just *deep sigh* hoping that I do have a period and that next month I get back to some normalcy.
It is so frustrating when you want something so badly you can taste it, smell it, feel it, and yet it's not real enough for you to touch it!
All I can do is keep doing the things that are within my control; having faith and being positive the highest priority on that list.
Dreaming Miracles is a journey of faith and, trust me, my faith isn't going to fail me now : )
Today is day 32 and I still haven't had my period. I know that within the last four years I've had my period come on day 31, but I don't ever recall it being as late as day 32.
Every ounce of me wants to feel anxiety and freak-the-hell-out! But every time I get that feeling of stress; of doubt, I just have to remind myself: FAITH! And after I remind myself to keep the faith of mustard seed, I say to God, "Thy will be done."
What more can I do than to believe that God's will for my life is perfect; that His plan for me on this Dreaming Miracles journey is to show me how perfect plays out!
I knew the past month's cycle was a strange one. First, I did an ovulation test stick on day seven and it came up positive. I didn't feel any symptoms but I usually find that those happen two days after I get the positive sign that I'm ovulating. The symptoms that I feel are usually just a slight achiness in my ovary area (most often on my right side). I was going to do the test on day eight just to double-check the result of the day before but my ovulation stick didn't work so I couldn't find out. Then on day eleven I actually did feel my right ovary area become achy and so I was sure I was ovulating, but then the same thing happened again on day sixteen, and again on day twenty!
I had told my doctor about the ovulation pattern I was experiencing up to the day sixteen mark (I didn't have an appointment with her to let her know of the day twenty achiness) and she said that older woman often ovulate more than once during the month, which is why twins often result.
So, at that point I was still feeling okay. I was still thinking my period would be later than its "normal" twenty-six day cycle but that it would come. Now, I'm just *deep sigh* hoping that I do have a period and that next month I get back to some normalcy.
It is so frustrating when you want something so badly you can taste it, smell it, feel it, and yet it's not real enough for you to touch it!
All I can do is keep doing the things that are within my control; having faith and being positive the highest priority on that list.
Dreaming Miracles is a journey of faith and, trust me, my faith isn't going to fail me now : )
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I C.
"The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes us patient, sensitive, and Godlike. It teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."
~ Helen Keller
Well, I did hear back from C.
In one of my last post, I linked to my response to C.s explanation of why he had had a change of heart on being my sperm donor. In that response I had "called him out" on many of the major things he had said to me which led me to believe in him; to feel confident in his truth to me.
I did write to him and email in between the "it wasn't pretty" email and in that one I really just explained my trying to come to terms with the hurt I felt because of his reversal of thought.
And truthfully, he did a much better job of explaining what is was that made him change from being so excited about making a baby with me to the opposite - not wanting to make a baby with me. I was really thankful for that because I knew that it would help me find the closure that I needed with him.
I am going to do what I have been doing and just let you in on how things went by letting you read our email exchanges. It will just give you more insight on my life and how it is going; what I am thinking and what I am feeling.
So, if you are interested here are the latest email exchanges that C. and I have had.
~ Helen Keller
Well, I did hear back from C.
In one of my last post, I linked to my response to C.s explanation of why he had had a change of heart on being my sperm donor. In that response I had "called him out" on many of the major things he had said to me which led me to believe in him; to feel confident in his truth to me.
I did write to him and email in between the "it wasn't pretty" email and in that one I really just explained my trying to come to terms with the hurt I felt because of his reversal of thought.
And truthfully, he did a much better job of explaining what is was that made him change from being so excited about making a baby with me to the opposite - not wanting to make a baby with me. I was really thankful for that because I knew that it would help me find the closure that I needed with him.
I am going to do what I have been doing and just let you in on how things went by letting you read our email exchanges. It will just give you more insight on my life and how it is going; what I am thinking and what I am feeling.
So, if you are interested here are the latest email exchanges that C. and I have had.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
And Now the Rest of the Story...
"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them. " - Unkown
Okay, this was an interesting article about this man possibly being the world's oldest father at 96 years of age! But read the rest of the story and find out what to me is the more interesting part of the article: the mother!
Okay, this was an interesting article about this man possibly being the world's oldest father at 96 years of age! But read the rest of the story and find out what to me is the more interesting part of the article: the mother!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Artwork
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Back when I had not heard from C. for nearly three months and I started writing my emails to him as if they were Dear Diary entries (which they seemed to feel like more than any kind of actual correspondence) I wrote the following email to him:
Friday, September 7, 2012 4:53 PM
Dear Diary,
I meant to say that I finished reading the Madonnas of Leningrad. The story did take place mostly in the Hermitage, but forwarded in time to an island off of Seattle. It was a good book, but I think I preferred the two previous ones I had read (Snow Falling on Cedars and Snow Flower and the Secret Fan). Although, I must say it was interesting to learn about a place and event in time that I had little, if any, knowledge of. Anyway, because the book was called the Madonnas of Leningrad, in part due to the detailed remembrance of all the most famously painted Madonnas that hung on the Hermitage's walls, I thought that I would share my Madonnas.
I have painted several Madonnas with Child over the years. I have always loved the Masters paintings of that image. I'm Catholic - a church which highly honors Mary - but outside of that fact, it strikes a cord... a mother loving her child... However, I am not a trained artist so I consider mine "naive" art - art that is not only from an unskilled painter, but done with a simple-minded view of the subject. I love "naive" art. I consider much folk art to be "naive" and feel a great connection to that expression. I'm not in love with my art, but I do *like* it. When I used to "produce" it I would write a prayer* on the back of each piece, one from my own thoughts and heart, as a gift for the recipient. It was an interesting time in my life...
So, I am attaching my Madonnas. Some of which I like, others, not as much, but all done with love. One of my Madonnas is missing (it's just not uploaded to my laptop) and it is my "modern" Madonna. I like it's "new ageyness" but it's not for everyone. Oh, but I am throwing in my angel - or rather, my interpretation of an angel : )
---------------------------------------------------
Later, after C. had been re-deployed to that part of the world most in need of his expertise I wrote this:
Sunday, October 7, 2012 1:10 AM
From: L.
To: C.
Here's another piece of artwork I've done (did you have a chance to view my Madonnas?) The piece is simple, but I used the old shutters from my 1930's home in __________ as my framing. I like this piece because at the time I made it it was pretty unique. I like it during the day without the lights, but at night when it is lit (there are small white lights strung behind it) it is so bright and colorful it makes me feel like Christmas everyday! : ) You seem to have such refined taste (at least in your classical music selections) that my simple folk-type of art may not appeal to your senses... art is so subjective... which, after all, is quite the "special" part of its existence; there is some beauty represented in art works that any individual person may find they have an attraction to....
Hoping you are well (and doing well!)
L
----------------------------------------------------
And finally, today, probably because of how strong and harsh my last email to C. was and because I do deeply care for him and want him to do and be well while he is so far away, in such a dangerous part of the world, I wrote:
Monday, October 15, 2012 6:03 PM
Hey! I have a few minutes before I show a property at _______________. I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to give myself to get out to the place (and find it!) as it is some distance from where I live. On the drive my mind just kept going to you, wondering how you are, how things are going? I have such strong beliefs in your professional abilities - that you are a treasure to the ___________ (whether they say so or not!) - I have no worries about that, but I do worry about you personally... that you are okay...
I'm going to send you a photo of the rooster I painted around the time my mom had her illness. It was my first attempt at doing a reversed-glass painting on plexi-glass. I really didn't know what I was doing and I got kind of impatient with the whole thing; I didn't like the finished product at all! But my counselor (I was seeing a counselor at that time because going through my mother's illness with her - taking care of her was a full time job - so I often felt as if I were on a sinking ship being dragged down to depths I wasn't sure I would be able to surface from) suggested I paint something to relieve some of my stress and anxiety. Because she had been my impetus for doing the painting I took it in to her office to show her and since I disliked it so much, and she seemed to like it, I gave it to her. She propped it up against her bookcase just behind where she sat but in view of where her patients faced her.
The next time I went back to her the rooster was still there and I asked her, why, as she had told me she meant to take it home. She said she ended up not being able to take it home because every patient that came in that day and during the rest of the week commented on it! She was amazed that it brought out so many different thoughts from each of them! She was really flabbergasted about it... she said she now felt like she couldn't take it home; her patients had become too attached to it! I thought that that was so strange, but interesting...
In the end, somehow, I too came around to actually *liking* my rooster! I'm am sending it to you to cheer you up! It's such a funny looking thing...
I really miss you...
L
Back when I had not heard from C. for nearly three months and I started writing my emails to him as if they were Dear Diary entries (which they seemed to feel like more than any kind of actual correspondence) I wrote the following email to him:
Friday, September 7, 2012 4:53 PM
Dear Diary,
I meant to say that I finished reading the Madonnas of Leningrad. The story did take place mostly in the Hermitage, but forwarded in time to an island off of Seattle. It was a good book, but I think I preferred the two previous ones I had read (Snow Falling on Cedars and Snow Flower and the Secret Fan). Although, I must say it was interesting to learn about a place and event in time that I had little, if any, knowledge of. Anyway, because the book was called the Madonnas of Leningrad, in part due to the detailed remembrance of all the most famously painted Madonnas that hung on the Hermitage's walls, I thought that I would share my Madonnas.
I have painted several Madonnas with Child over the years. I have always loved the Masters paintings of that image. I'm Catholic - a church which highly honors Mary - but outside of that fact, it strikes a cord... a mother loving her child... However, I am not a trained artist so I consider mine "naive" art - art that is not only from an unskilled painter, but done with a simple-minded view of the subject. I love "naive" art. I consider much folk art to be "naive" and feel a great connection to that expression. I'm not in love with my art, but I do *like* it. When I used to "produce" it I would write a prayer* on the back of each piece, one from my own thoughts and heart, as a gift for the recipient. It was an interesting time in my life...
So, I am attaching my Madonnas. Some of which I like, others, not as much, but all done with love. One of my Madonnas is missing (it's just not uploaded to my laptop) and it is my "modern" Madonna. I like it's "new ageyness" but it's not for everyone. Oh, but I am throwing in my angel - or rather, my interpretation of an angel : )
---------------------------------------------------
Later, after C. had been re-deployed to that part of the world most in need of his expertise I wrote this:
Sunday, October 7, 2012 1:10 AM
From: L.
To: C.
Here's another piece of artwork I've done (did you have a chance to view my Madonnas?) The piece is simple, but I used the old shutters from my 1930's home in __________ as my framing. I like this piece because at the time I made it it was pretty unique. I like it during the day without the lights, but at night when it is lit (there are small white lights strung behind it) it is so bright and colorful it makes me feel like Christmas everyday! : ) You seem to have such refined taste (at least in your classical music selections) that my simple folk-type of art may not appeal to your senses... art is so subjective... which, after all, is quite the "special" part of its existence; there is some beauty represented in art works that any individual person may find they have an attraction to....
Hoping you are well (and doing well!)
L
----------------------------------------------------
And finally, today, probably because of how strong and harsh my last email to C. was and because I do deeply care for him and want him to do and be well while he is so far away, in such a dangerous part of the world, I wrote:
Monday, October 15, 2012 6:03 PM
Hey! I have a few minutes before I show a property at _______________. I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to give myself to get out to the place (and find it!) as it is some distance from where I live. On the drive my mind just kept going to you, wondering how you are, how things are going? I have such strong beliefs in your professional abilities - that you are a treasure to the ___________ (whether they say so or not!) - I have no worries about that, but I do worry about you personally... that you are okay...
I'm going to send you a photo of the rooster I painted around the time my mom had her illness. It was my first attempt at doing a reversed-glass painting on plexi-glass. I really didn't know what I was doing and I got kind of impatient with the whole thing; I didn't like the finished product at all! But my counselor (I was seeing a counselor at that time because going through my mother's illness with her - taking care of her was a full time job - so I often felt as if I were on a sinking ship being dragged down to depths I wasn't sure I would be able to surface from) suggested I paint something to relieve some of my stress and anxiety. Because she had been my impetus for doing the painting I took it in to her office to show her and since I disliked it so much, and she seemed to like it, I gave it to her. She propped it up against her bookcase just behind where she sat but in view of where her patients faced her.
The next time I went back to her the rooster was still there and I asked her, why, as she had told me she meant to take it home. She said she ended up not being able to take it home because every patient that came in that day and during the rest of the week commented on it! She was amazed that it brought out so many different thoughts from each of them! She was really flabbergasted about it... she said she now felt like she couldn't take it home; her patients had become too attached to it! I thought that that was so strange, but interesting...
In the end, somehow, I too came around to actually *liking* my rooster! I'm am sending it to you to cheer you up! It's such a funny looking thing...
I really miss you...
L
Saturday, October 13, 2012
In the Meantime...
"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." ~ Robert F. Kennedy
I called H.B. yesterday. I just said f' it and told myself that my "option one" needed to be played out to its finally conclusion. I hadn't talked to him in so long (at least six months). And because it has now been a year since I last saw him I wasn't exactly sure if I would bring up the subject of him getting me pregnant or not. I knew I wanted to, but I felt like I needed to "feel" if the moment to do so would come, or if I would have to wait for another conversation on another day. So we just chatted and got caught up on each other's lives.
I was sitting outside on my deck drinking a beer (needed that rx for courage!) and while we were talking I spotted a rare albino squirrel climbing from one tree branch to another. It is fascinating to see something so rare and I mentioned to H.B. how unique it was. And if you've been reading my blog for very long you know my feelings about signs: I am always looking for them! I just view signs as something that are uncommon, or out of place, but that your attention is drawn to for reasons that may not make sense, but that connect within your consciousness nevertheless. So, you won't be surprised when I tell you I took seeing the rare white squirrel as a sign!
The rareness of the moment, while I was on the phone talking with H.B., is what in the end gave me the courage to broach the subject of him being my sperm donor again. I kind of threw it in at the end of our conversation so it wasn't in a way where he could respond with a yes or no answer. I really didn't want him to make a response at that moment anyway. I want him to think on it. To know that I am still thinking of him on it.
Later in the evening I began writing him an email. I didn't send it off right away because I wanted to sleep on it and revise it if needed. Today, I re-read it and didn't revise any of it. I sent it as it was originally written. He had mentioned, in our conversation, that his email had been "acting" up and was frustrating him, so that may be a problem in him actually receiving my email, but if I don't here from him in the next two weeks I'll call him again. He is still presently my "option one" until, and if, he takes himself off the table. This is my third attempt at asking him to be my donor and if he says, "No," then that will be my third strike and I won't try again.
Life is an interesting experience, I'll just have to wait and see how this particular experience plays out...
Here is the email I sent to H.B. It would come as an enormous shock if H.B. were to say, "Yes," to my proposal. But Dreaming Miracles is all about the journey of seeking miracles out, even in places where it might seem an impossibility to find one. I'm going to keep seeking my miracles until the day comes when I finally find mine!
I called H.B. yesterday. I just said f' it and told myself that my "option one" needed to be played out to its finally conclusion. I hadn't talked to him in so long (at least six months). And because it has now been a year since I last saw him I wasn't exactly sure if I would bring up the subject of him getting me pregnant or not. I knew I wanted to, but I felt like I needed to "feel" if the moment to do so would come, or if I would have to wait for another conversation on another day. So we just chatted and got caught up on each other's lives.
I was sitting outside on my deck drinking a beer (needed that rx for courage!) and while we were talking I spotted a rare albino squirrel climbing from one tree branch to another. It is fascinating to see something so rare and I mentioned to H.B. how unique it was. And if you've been reading my blog for very long you know my feelings about signs: I am always looking for them! I just view signs as something that are uncommon, or out of place, but that your attention is drawn to for reasons that may not make sense, but that connect within your consciousness nevertheless. So, you won't be surprised when I tell you I took seeing the rare white squirrel as a sign!
The rareness of the moment, while I was on the phone talking with H.B., is what in the end gave me the courage to broach the subject of him being my sperm donor again. I kind of threw it in at the end of our conversation so it wasn't in a way where he could respond with a yes or no answer. I really didn't want him to make a response at that moment anyway. I want him to think on it. To know that I am still thinking of him on it.
Later in the evening I began writing him an email. I didn't send it off right away because I wanted to sleep on it and revise it if needed. Today, I re-read it and didn't revise any of it. I sent it as it was originally written. He had mentioned, in our conversation, that his email had been "acting" up and was frustrating him, so that may be a problem in him actually receiving my email, but if I don't here from him in the next two weeks I'll call him again. He is still presently my "option one" until, and if, he takes himself off the table. This is my third attempt at asking him to be my donor and if he says, "No," then that will be my third strike and I won't try again.
Life is an interesting experience, I'll just have to wait and see how this particular experience plays out...
Here is the email I sent to H.B. It would come as an enormous shock if H.B. were to say, "Yes," to my proposal. But Dreaming Miracles is all about the journey of seeking miracles out, even in places where it might seem an impossibility to find one. I'm going to keep seeking my miracles until the day comes when I finally find mine!
To C. or Not to C.
"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were." - Kahlil Gibran
C. finally responded to the lengthy email I had sent him earlier. I guess I got an answer to my question of why he changed his mind, but not really what the circumstances he actually went through to make him do so. I didn't get an answer to my question of what he really thinks of me. But at least he wrote and then I got my chance to write back! It wasn't pretty!
We'll see if I've scared him off for good or not... maybe that would be the best thing anyway... if I can manage at this time to take a second punch to my gut, because at this point just the thought of not being able to communicate with him would be another great loss.
The P.S. in the email I wrote back to him might be TMI, I deleted (with the blank lines) some of the more graphic sexual language used (by him and by me), or just information that I can't reveal for various reasons (I'm trying to be as truthful as I can in this blog but I can't reveal everything!). I do try to give as much detail as I can just to give you that much more awareness into how I actually feel and react to C. (and to everything else going on in this Dreaming Miracles process - the good and bad!).
I'll keep you posted if I do ever hear back from C.
We'll see if I've scared him off for good or not... maybe that would be the best thing anyway... if I can manage at this time to take a second punch to my gut, because at this point just the thought of not being able to communicate with him would be another great loss.
The P.S. in the email I wrote back to him might be TMI, I deleted (with the blank lines) some of the more graphic sexual language used (by him and by me), or just information that I can't reveal for various reasons (I'm trying to be as truthful as I can in this blog but I can't reveal everything!). I do try to give as much detail as I can just to give you that much more awareness into how I actually feel and react to C. (and to everything else going on in this Dreaming Miracles process - the good and bad!).
I'll keep you posted if I do ever hear back from C.
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