"When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' "
~ Unknown
Hmm...I'm not even sure how to write what I want to say. And I think the reason I feel that way is because of judgement. Other people's judgement. After all these years you'd think I would be free of caring what other people think about my life and the choices I make for it. In this moment, I am free of caring. But in order to write my truths I have to think about me and set other people to the side.
I haven't written a post lately because I didn't really have much to say. Plus, after my mom died I had to move - within 6 months - from her house to a rental (the house I own next to my moms still had tenants on a lease agreement) and, unbeknownst to me, my rental was a horror house of mold! It always smelled musty but I didn't think how that could affect my health: extremely adversely.
*Deep sigh* at 60 I don't feel any differently about what I want than I ever did - big but - but I've had to have the talk with myself about my future. And what I finally feel able to do, is let go; to fully and freely let go. What that means for me is that I can make it through the rest of my life alone.
I've been on my own for so much of my life and I know I don't like it - I'm a Libra with Venus in Libra, for crying out loud! - it's why I moved back to be with my mom after my dad died. At that time it wasn't for my mom, it was for me. Being alone is not easy. So it's the thought of, can I make it through the rest of life - even if that means 40 more years! - on my own? And my answer is: yes. Yes, I can do it... life goes by so fast anyway!
But wait! What I didn't do is quit! When God is in the picture there is no room to quit. God brings ANYTHING - any possibility - into the realm of "reality." How old was Abraham's wife Sarah when she laughed at God for telling her that her old and barren body would produce an offspring? God is always the unknown variable in any situation. Plus, I can't quit because I still have the 2 immature eggs and the GVC (germinal vesicle cell) - the GVC the doctor said was useless to get - still cryopreserved. But science needs to catch up in being able to coax those eggs into maturity. And I believe the science will do that in the next 2-3 years. Yes, that makes me even older to have a chance to fertilize them, but that's the journey.
When a child is born they wouldn't survive without the help of someone; then they become a toddler and they still need to survive but they're becoming more independent-minded every day. At about 15 or 16 they're usually still under the parent's roof but they are more and more physically and mentally "out the door." At 17 I left for college. I did go back to "visit" home on breaks, but it felt more like, that's where I grew up versus that's where I live. So, my parents had me and nurtured me for 17 years at which time I left them to have my own journey in life. I'm explaining this because if God did do something crazy and I got pregnant at 62, I would have a good 17 years with my child and I would be 79 when my child "left for good." Based on how my mom did, she had a mental "hiccup" around 79, but then she was self-sufficient until her fall at 86. She lived a harder life by 88, but did it beautifully until she was 93. So, if I were to live to the age of my mom my child would be 30 years old when I died. They could easily be married with children by then. *sigh* I just want to do whatever comes my way at whatever age it may arrive.
I am letting go. I think I've realistically looked at a potential future life of not attaining my dreams and said, it's not what I want; it would be hard, but life FLIES by and I am strong enough to make the most of whatever journey I am given. But God will decide how it ends.
