Au Revoir 2012...

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." ~ Ayn Rand

So, as I say goodbye to 2012 I have to look back and remember that in my first post on January 1, 2012, I wrote, "2012 is the year!!!" Well, in many ways 2012 has been the year! 2012 is when I met a guy who has made me fall in love! It hasn't been the easiest ride, and I can't say for sure what the future holds for us, but even the hardships that we have gone through have made our relationship into something much stronger than without having had the trials. I do believe that; truly believe that. 

My wish for 2013 is the true fulfillment of my hopes and dreams!!! As always, I am Dreaming Miracles!!!  

Tempted

"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's." ~ Billy Wilder

Yesterday, late in the afternoon, my younger sister, visiting for the holidays, and I, went out to drink a few beers at one of our favorite pubs. When we got there the place was really packed and there weren't two barstools next to each other, but this kind woman asked if we would want her and her friend to slide down a seat so that we could sit together (I had seen the person with her was a guy but he had gone off somewhere else and so wasn't around when we took his jacket off the back of his chair and moved it one chair over!). We kindly thanked her for being so thoughtful.

Soon enough I realized that I recognized this woman. I didn't know her well, but had first met her when I was nine years old!!! At that time I had begged my mom to let me go to a two-week sleep-away camp (none of the other kids in my family had done such a thing)! I got to this camp and I absolutely HATED it! I think I hated just about every boring thing about it (keep in mind I had six siblings back home who never gave me a dull moment!) and this girl, S., who was a couple of years older than me, and I, found each other through commiserating on just wanting to go home! Well, I did go home! After one week I was like, enough boredom is enough boredom, and called my mom to come get me. One of the best decisions I ever made : )

Anyway, I start talking with S., and then her friend, this guy, comes back and sits down next to me, between S. and I. Somewhere in the midst of our conversation, I find out that they are just friends (both being divorced - as a side note this guy, P., told me he got divorced from a women he had been married to for twelve years who was seventeen years older than him! And she was the one who wanted the divorce! I found that kind of interesting!).

Well, P., turns to chat with me and his eyes are beautiful. We both felt some kind of chemistry. He made me feel it and I must of made him feel it. Because it was definitely right there! But as much as "something" was going on between the two of us, I just kept thinking of C.! Part of me was telling myself, you've got this guy sitting right next to you NOW and who knows what will happen with you and C. Plus C. won't even be back here for most likely another six months! And C. could completely change his mind about you in that time. I said to myself, "You are putting all of your chips on the table for C. and is that the wisest thing to do, especially at your age, with your biological clock clanking?"

But in the end, even though this seemingly sweet, nice guy, P. slipped me his phone number in my coat pocket and begged me to call him, I know I won't. I decided then that I was putting my money on C.! I am making my bed and now I will lie in it. 

I hope I am making the right bet!!!

News

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've always imagined." - Thoreau

I had my doctor's appointment today and got my lab work back regarding the cancers markers and it is good news!!!

It is not likely that I have cancer as it was a low number! Yay! What a great feeling of relief... I do have to go back in four weeks to have another pelvic ultrasound done to make sure that everything is still okay, but I can deal with that then. For now, I just feel blessed in not having that big scary thing hanging over me...

I was nervous before going to the appointment and they were behind schedule so I took off and went out to this beautiful park nearby and just plopped myself down on the soft grass and took in the day (a clear sunny one after a huge storm the night before) and let the wind blow with force against me... just letting myself feel, see, hear, smell the nature around me... I was only at the park for just over a half hour, but it gave me a nice sense of peace as I went back to my docter's office and had my appointment.

Dr. M. thinks the "mass" in my uterus is just a fibroid and of course I still have the cysts in my right and left ovaries. She thinks that my right ovary cysts are less severe than my left, but I found that odd as it is my right ovary that is giving me that achey pain, not my left, which I don't feel at all. But she thinks that the right ovary cyst may be ready to burst which is causing the pain and that the cysts in my left ovary has probably been there for some time. She asked me if I felt like I ovulated from my left ovary and I told her that I thought I rarely did. She thinks I may only be ovulating from my right ovary (I will have to remember to talk to her more about that at my next appointment!). She also told me she had two of her babies when she had fibroids in her uterus so it shouldn't be a problem, Anyway, this may be TMI, but since it all has to do with my fertility functioning and how vital that mine be strong and healthy it is important!!!

And, once again, I'm just excited (and feel blessed!) that I am still "in the game!"

Letter Writing Class

"Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly." ~ St. Francis De Sales

Well, it's official: I definitely need to take a Break-Up Letter Writing class! I thought I wrote a really good, sincere break-up letter to C., on Monday, December 10th, but it seems not to have worked!!! 

Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 8:06 PM

[No Subject]

DOD LINK

Dear L., Thinking of you.  :-)  

Y , C
_____________________

And then after that message he writes again the following one, as if I never sent him what was, what I considered to be, a break-up letter!!! 

Chat?                                                                                                              Sat, Dec 15, 2012 at 10:20 AM

FROM:C.

TO:  L.

DOD LINK

Dear L., I'm going to be free about 3PM for a chat if you can make it then.  Looking forward ....

Y, C

_______________________

He must know me all to well... my weakness for him... but as you can see in the email I sent back to him I made a valiant (albeit rather weak) attempt to thwart him!!!

Subject: Re: Chat?

Sent: Saturday, December 15, 2012 1:25 PM

From: L.
To: C.

C., I want to but I'm not sure...  : ( 

I know you can be very persuasive,  but I'm confused. You do remember my last email (which you called very sensible!), the end part? Did you understand it? 

L. 

P.S.  But, C., if we don't chat today could you please write me something more so that I will have something to look forward to... that would be a special gift to me and right now, for particular reasons, I am in real need of a special gift... 

_______________________

Of course the  "particular reasons" I wrote of was that I was feeling in need of support with my most recent health issue hanging over me (I will find out about that on Thursday and will let you know...) Anyway, he wrote me back: 

Sat, Dec 15, 2012 at 3:05 PM

Re: Chat?

FROM: C.

TO: L.

DOD LINK

Dear L., I remember, and I understand.  I shall give some thought to your request for some "special", in writing.  Look for it sometime later, say an hour or two.  

I hope all is well with you.  I am still on a treadmill, running at top speed about 100 hours or more each week.  I'm aging far faster than I should be.  :-)  

Y., C. 

_________________________

So, you can now officially call me a terrible break-up letter writer (and break-up person!) because from this point on we ended up "talking" a mile-a-minute for the past three days!!! 

We seem to be right back where we were, in LaLa-falling-in-love Land! I haven't bothered to ask anything about what is going on with him and his childhood love. At this point, I don't think a whole lot, if anything, and really, I don't care. I need his support right now and I am getting it. My head is no longer in the clouds (I think). I am just trying to go with the flow, stay balanced and have as much of a blasé (but sincere) attitude that I can. I am taking all of C. with a grain of salt until the time comes when we actually do come together (and God knows when that will be!). 

As my grandmother used to say, (in reference to the Soap Opera, As the World Turns) "We'll just watch and see what happens on, 'As the Worm Turns!'" 

Life...

"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog." ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

*Deep sigh* I don't think I mentioned several months back that I had pain in the underside of my right breast and my doctor had me get a mammogram (I hadn't had one in fours years!) and an ultrasound done on it. The results showed that I had about fourteen cysts in my breast. The cysts had fluid with unknown floating particles in them. I was advised to not have caffeine (which I don't have anyway), to take vitamin E, and to have another ultrasound done in six months time (which now is probably three months away). My pain went away for the past three months, but now it has returned and probably due, my doctor thinks, to me starting to take the hormone Oxytocin which my neurologist had prescribed to see if it would help me overcome my nausea. I haven't been on the Oxytocin long enough to feel like I've given it a fair shake in determining if it will help me or not in relieving me of my nausea; I will continue to take it for another week or two. 

But I bring this health issue up because I had another health issue present itself in the last two weeks (before starting the Oxytocin, so not related) and that is a dull and constant achey pain in my right ovary. My doctor set me up to have a pelvic ultrasound done yesterday and I was called with the results today. It has been found that I have cysts in both my right and left ovaries and further that I have a "mass" in my uterus. The nurse who called me to tell me this news said the mass could be a fibroid. My doctor has left to go out of town for the rest of the week and my appointment with her is not until next Thursday. But her nurse said that if I wanted I could have the lab draw blood to test for cancer markers. I will be getting that done tomorrow. Then, I guess I will have to wait a long week (that is if the results come back in time) to find if my health is mildly serious or severely serious.

I can not tell you how discouraging I feel about all this. I just feel like God has already saddled me with about as much as I can handle and yet I must continue to be positive and faith-filled if I am to have any hope, not just with this latest health issue, but in ALL areas of my life!!!

And as I've written many times before in this blog, I feel that faith is my challenge in this life - having it, and keeping it! I say it is my challenge because faith doesn't come easy to me. It is something that I feel I am constantly having to work on - not just day to day, but hour to hour, minute to minute!!!

So, if you feel like you would want to, please send me your positive thoughts and prayers. I will let you know what I find out as soon as I know more...

Self-trust

"Self-trust is the first secret of success." 
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, as I noted in my previous post, I got that email from C. saying he missed talking to me. Ugh, I thought, what am I supposed to do? I mean, I missed him terribly and I would give anything to be able to talk with him like we once had, but I was pissed off at him! And why wouldn't I be? I kept thinking, why should I give him the benefit of talking with me? He made his bed and now he must lie in it, right?

But I decided that I would write him back. I would wait a few days and then send him this note.

After I wrote him I got a message from him on Saturday morning asking if we should try to have a conversation and see where it would lead. He asked me if later that afternoon would work for me. I wrote him with the reply of, yes, to conversing.

Then ten minutes later I wrote him back and said, "C., I'm having second thoughts about "talking" with you. I feel like you have avoided responding to any of the emails I sent you re: my heartache. I'm not sure why you can't "talk" about that with me, but I feel like it is hanging over any kind of "easy" conversation I might like to have with you. I'm not sure what to do: I miss you terribly, I want desperately to talk to you, but I still feel hurt and I still feel like I have a dignity for myself that I won't let be compromised. Can you help me? I do want to "be with you" today..." And he replied, "Dear L., Of course, I will help you.  How about no pre-conditions for conversations?  Y., C. "

So, we did end up having our "conversation" which lasted for two hours that afternoon and then again for another hour later in the evening. 

I tried to make him understand my feelings of hurt and I think he wanted to be able to help me, wanted to be able to understand, but I felt like he just didn't. This exchange was the one where I felt he was most callous: "I hope you had understood I was asking you to cut me some slack and let me sort out a difficult situation.  Do you really expect me to tell M., "Sorry, there is someone else in my life now."  If so, I am sorry to disappoint, but I simply could not do that." Well, yeah, I thought, that is exactly what I wanted you to do! 

I mean that was just the worst email of the three hours, the rest of our conversation was worthwhile and fulfilling for me, but that one email stuck with me long after our "chat" with each other ended. And, finally, I think that was the email that made believe that I really needed to cut myself off cold turkey from him. I mean, why should he be allowed to "have his cake and eat it too!"

We didn't "talk" on Sunday because of his schedule and that gave me the time to think more thoroughly about what it was I needed to do. So, yesterday I ended up writing him this email.

I thought it was a good "break up" letter but I am now not so sure that it was, or wasn't. I'm confused, as I did not expect to hear back from C. for sometime... maybe a very long time... I was wrong...

Now, I'm left with thinking I may be the worse break-up-letter-writer EVER!!!

But, who knows, maybe he will write me back telling him that he will now use the example of my one-sided correspondence with him, while he was "away" from me those many months, with his childhood love, so as to allow her the chance of knowing what his true feelings are for her!

At this point, I'm not sure what, if anything, could surprise me anymore... but I have a feeling something will...

Soap Opera

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning." ~ Ivy Baker Priest

Good Lord! I feel like I'm in the middle of a Soap Opera! I would rather watch a Soap Opera than feel like I'm one of the main characters in the show...

This is one of the latest emails I have gotten from C.

In a state

FROM: C.
TO: L. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012 1:39 PM

DOD LINK

Dear L., I confess, I am in a state.  I miss talking to you.  

Y., C.

Abandoment

"Live to the point of tears." ~ Albert Camus

A few post back I had said that Job, from the bible, had come to mind as I was feeling so miserable about what Life was throwing at me. I said that although I was not well-versed in the bible I knew that God had let the Devil tempt Job in his Faith and that Job, would not give in, would not allow his faith in God to be taken from him. I said that I would need to read the story in the bible to really know what happened.

Well, I did go in search of a bible. I asked my mom if there were a bible around the house that I could take and she directed me to a drawer where I found one. I did read the story of Job and it was a blessing to read of his faith in God in the face of ALL misery! He wasn't perfect; he had wished that he had never been born so that he might not be bearing such heartache, but he never gave up, even when he most wanted to. His faith in God was too strong.

But what I really wanted to say was that when I opened this bible a small piece of paper fell out. On the paper was a prayer that was written in my mom's handwriting; a prayer she must have felt drawn to at one time (I can't tell how long ago it was written but the bible is twenty-five years old). The Prayer is titled: Prayer of Abandonment to God. I would like to share it because it is exactly the prayer I most need to be saying to God right now; the one I will be saying...

Prayer of Abandonment to God

Father,

I abandon myself into your hands; do with me what you will. Whatever you may do, I thank you: I am ready for all; I accept all. Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures -- I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul: I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love you Lord, and so need to give myself, to surrender myself into your hands, without reserve, and with boundless confidence,

For you are my Father.

Amen.

Update on C.

"Dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt before, sing as though no one can hear you, live as though heaven is on earth." ~ Souza

Well, I told you that I would give an update on things with C. if/when they developed. I did finally get an email from C. four days after I wrote to him that I no longer felt that he deserved me.

Here is our most recent correspondence.

Serendipity

"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved." ~ William Jennings Bryan

For some reason last night I checked online to see if there were anything interesting to watch on PBS. I saw that it was the last weekend to watch a show called, "Call The Midwife," which was based on the memories of a midwife in a poverty- stricken part of London in the late 1950's. There were only six, one-hour episodes, so I got right on it, watching three episodes last night and the last three tonight. 

The reason I titled this blog, Serendipity, is because I feel like that is exactly what it was that made me go to the PBS website last night (I hadn't watched any PBS show online since Downton Abbey at least eight months ago!). The reason I say that it was serendipitous was that after I watched the show it amazed me to see how many woman got pregnant and had their healthy babies after age 40 - no IVF - no hospitals!

In the same vein, I happened to re-pick up a book I had started a half a year ago, but could not seem to get into so put down for some other one. This book is called, Sarah's Key, and is about a journalist married to a Frenchman, living in Paris. The story is about her discovering a period of French history regarding the Holocaust that she was unaware of. But outside the interest of that particular part of the book was another serendipitous event: this woman journalist - the main character - has found out she is pregnant at age 45! 

Anyway, I just thought of these two encounters, of randomly watching a t.v. series and equally of picking up a particular book, at this time, as being the kind of "signs" that I feel are coming to me to tell me: keep plodding on L., just keep plodding on...

Catfish

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~ Marilyn Monroe

Hmm... this is a documentary film I should probably make a point of seeing...

But really if this were true of C., I'd actually probably understand everything much better. I think it would be a relief, instead of what it is: grief!

Anyone as imaginative, intelligent, charismatic and as good of a writer as C., if he were a "fake," I would recommend immediately start writing his first novel and I would volunteer to find a publisher!

19 People Who Are Having A Way Worse Day Than You

"Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm." ~ Winston Churchill

Okay, so this has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the theme of my Dreaming Miracles journey of finding love later in life and then having a biological baby of my own, but after my hell of a week I so needed it for a laugh!!!