Au Revoir 2012...

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." ~ Ayn Rand

So, as I say goodbye to 2012 I have to look back and remember that in my first post on January 1, 2012, I wrote, "2012 is the year!!!" Well, in many ways 2012 has been the year! 2012 is when I met a guy who has made me fall in love! It hasn't been the easiest ride, and I can't say for sure what the future holds for us, but even the hardships that we have gone through have made our relationship into something much stronger than without having had the trials. I do believe that; truly believe that. 

My wish for 2013 is the true fulfillment of my hopes and dreams!!! As always, I am Dreaming Miracles!!!  

Tempted

"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's." ~ Billy Wilder

Yesterday, late in the afternoon, my younger sister, visiting for the holidays, and I, went out to drink a few beers at one of our favorite pubs. When we got there the place was really packed and there weren't two barstools next to each other, but this kind woman asked if we would want her and her friend to slide down a seat so that we could sit together (I had seen the person with her was a guy but he had gone off somewhere else and so wasn't around when we took his jacket off the back of his chair and moved it one chair over!). We kindly thanked her for being so thoughtful.

Soon enough I realized that I recognized this woman. I didn't know her well, but had first met her when I was nine years old!!! At that time I had begged my mom to let me go to a two-week sleep-away camp (none of the other kids in my family had done such a thing)! I got to this camp and I absolutely HATED it! I think I hated just about every boring thing about it (keep in mind I had six siblings back home who never gave me a dull moment!) and this girl, S., who was a couple of years older than me, and I, found each other through commiserating on just wanting to go home! Well, I did go home! After one week I was like, enough boredom is enough boredom, and called my mom to come get me. One of the best decisions I ever made : )

Anyway, I start talking with S., and then her friend, this guy, comes back and sits down next to me, between S. and I. Somewhere in the midst of our conversation, I find out that they are just friends (both being divorced - as a side note this guy, P., told me he got divorced from a women he had been married to for twelve years who was seventeen years older than him! And she was the one who wanted the divorce! I found that kind of interesting!).

Well, P., turns to chat with me and his eyes are beautiful. We both felt some kind of chemistry. He made me feel it and I must of made him feel it. Because it was definitely right there! But as much as "something" was going on between the two of us, I just kept thinking of C.! Part of me was telling myself, you've got this guy sitting right next to you NOW and who knows what will happen with you and C. Plus C. won't even be back here for most likely another six months! And C. could completely change his mind about you in that time. I said to myself, "You are putting all of your chips on the table for C. and is that the wisest thing to do, especially at your age, with your biological clock clanking?"

But in the end, even though this seemingly sweet, nice guy, P. slipped me his phone number in my coat pocket and begged me to call him, I know I won't. I decided then that I was putting my money on C.! I am making my bed and now I will lie in it. 

I hope I am making the right bet!!!

News

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've always imagined." - Thoreau

I had my doctor's appointment today and got my lab work back regarding the cancers markers and it is good news!!!

It is not likely that I have cancer as it was a low number! Yay! What a great feeling of relief... I do have to go back in four weeks to have another pelvic ultrasound done to make sure that everything is still okay, but I can deal with that then. For now, I just feel blessed in not having that big scary thing hanging over me...

I was nervous before going to the appointment and they were behind schedule so I took off and went out to this beautiful park nearby and just plopped myself down on the soft grass and took in the day (a clear sunny one after a huge storm the night before) and let the wind blow with force against me... just letting myself feel, see, hear, smell the nature around me... I was only at the park for just over a half hour, but it gave me a nice sense of peace as I went back to my docter's office and had my appointment.

Dr. M. thinks the "mass" in my uterus is just a fibroid and of course I still have the cysts in my right and left ovaries. She thinks that my right ovary cysts are less severe than my left, but I found that odd as it is my right ovary that is giving me that achey pain, not my left, which I don't feel at all. But she thinks that the right ovary cyst may be ready to burst which is causing the pain and that the cysts in my left ovary has probably been there for some time. She asked me if I felt like I ovulated from my left ovary and I told her that I thought I rarely did. She thinks I may only be ovulating from my right ovary (I will have to remember to talk to her more about that at my next appointment!). She also told me she had two of her babies when she had fibroids in her uterus so it shouldn't be a problem, Anyway, this may be TMI, but since it all has to do with my fertility functioning and how vital that mine be strong and healthy it is important!!!

And, once again, I'm just excited (and feel blessed!) that I am still "in the game!"

Letter Writing Class

"Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly." ~ St. Francis De Sales

Well, it's official: I definitely need to take a Break-Up Letter Writing class! I thought I wrote a really good, sincere break-up letter to C., on Monday, December 10th, but it seems not to have worked!!! 

Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 8:06 PM

[No Subject]

DOD LINK

Dear L., Thinking of you.  :-)  

Y , C
_____________________

And then after that message he writes again the following one, as if I never sent him what was, what I considered to be, a break-up letter!!! 

Chat?                                                                                                              Sat, Dec 15, 2012 at 10:20 AM

FROM:C.

TO:  L.

DOD LINK

Dear L., I'm going to be free about 3PM for a chat if you can make it then.  Looking forward ....

Y, C

_______________________

He must know me all to well... my weakness for him... but as you can see in the email I sent back to him I made a valiant (albeit rather weak) attempt to thwart him!!!

Subject: Re: Chat?

Sent: Saturday, December 15, 2012 1:25 PM

From: L.
To: C.

C., I want to but I'm not sure...  : ( 

I know you can be very persuasive,  but I'm confused. You do remember my last email (which you called very sensible!), the end part? Did you understand it? 

L. 

P.S.  But, C., if we don't chat today could you please write me something more so that I will have something to look forward to... that would be a special gift to me and right now, for particular reasons, I am in real need of a special gift... 

_______________________

Of course the  "particular reasons" I wrote of was that I was feeling in need of support with my most recent health issue hanging over me (I will find out about that on Thursday and will let you know...) Anyway, he wrote me back: 

Sat, Dec 15, 2012 at 3:05 PM

Re: Chat?

FROM: C.

TO: L.

DOD LINK

Dear L., I remember, and I understand.  I shall give some thought to your request for some "special", in writing.  Look for it sometime later, say an hour or two.  

I hope all is well with you.  I am still on a treadmill, running at top speed about 100 hours or more each week.  I'm aging far faster than I should be.  :-)  

Y., C. 

_________________________

So, you can now officially call me a terrible break-up letter writer (and break-up person!) because from this point on we ended up "talking" a mile-a-minute for the past three days!!! 

We seem to be right back where we were, in LaLa-falling-in-love Land! I haven't bothered to ask anything about what is going on with him and his childhood love. At this point, I don't think a whole lot, if anything, and really, I don't care. I need his support right now and I am getting it. My head is no longer in the clouds (I think). I am just trying to go with the flow, stay balanced and have as much of a blasé (but sincere) attitude that I can. I am taking all of C. with a grain of salt until the time comes when we actually do come together (and God knows when that will be!). 

As my grandmother used to say, (in reference to the Soap Opera, As the World Turns) "We'll just watch and see what happens on, 'As the Worm Turns!'" 

Life...

"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog." ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

*Deep sigh* I don't think I mentioned several months back that I had pain in the underside of my right breast and my doctor had me get a mammogram (I hadn't had one in fours years!) and an ultrasound done on it. The results showed that I had about fourteen cysts in my breast. The cysts had fluid with unknown floating particles in them. I was advised to not have caffeine (which I don't have anyway), to take vitamin E, and to have another ultrasound done in six months time (which now is probably three months away). My pain went away for the past three months, but now it has returned and probably due, my doctor thinks, to me starting to take the hormone Oxytocin which my neurologist had prescribed to see if it would help me overcome my nausea. I haven't been on the Oxytocin long enough to feel like I've given it a fair shake in determining if it will help me or not in relieving me of my nausea; I will continue to take it for another week or two. 

But I bring this health issue up because I had another health issue present itself in the last two weeks (before starting the Oxytocin, so not related) and that is a dull and constant achey pain in my right ovary. My doctor set me up to have a pelvic ultrasound done yesterday and I was called with the results today. It has been found that I have cysts in both my right and left ovaries and further that I have a "mass" in my uterus. The nurse who called me to tell me this news said the mass could be a fibroid. My doctor has left to go out of town for the rest of the week and my appointment with her is not until next Thursday. But her nurse said that if I wanted I could have the lab draw blood to test for cancer markers. I will be getting that done tomorrow. Then, I guess I will have to wait a long week (that is if the results come back in time) to find if my health is mildly serious or severely serious.

I can not tell you how discouraging I feel about all this. I just feel like God has already saddled me with about as much as I can handle and yet I must continue to be positive and faith-filled if I am to have any hope, not just with this latest health issue, but in ALL areas of my life!!!

And as I've written many times before in this blog, I feel that faith is my challenge in this life - having it, and keeping it! I say it is my challenge because faith doesn't come easy to me. It is something that I feel I am constantly having to work on - not just day to day, but hour to hour, minute to minute!!!

So, if you feel like you would want to, please send me your positive thoughts and prayers. I will let you know what I find out as soon as I know more...

Self-trust

"Self-trust is the first secret of success." 
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, as I noted in my previous post, I got that email from C. saying he missed talking to me. Ugh, I thought, what am I supposed to do? I mean, I missed him terribly and I would give anything to be able to talk with him like we once had, but I was pissed off at him! And why wouldn't I be? I kept thinking, why should I give him the benefit of talking with me? He made his bed and now he must lie in it, right?

But I decided that I would write him back. I would wait a few days and then send him this note.

After I wrote him I got a message from him on Saturday morning asking if we should try to have a conversation and see where it would lead. He asked me if later that afternoon would work for me. I wrote him with the reply of, yes, to conversing.

Then ten minutes later I wrote him back and said, "C., I'm having second thoughts about "talking" with you. I feel like you have avoided responding to any of the emails I sent you re: my heartache. I'm not sure why you can't "talk" about that with me, but I feel like it is hanging over any kind of "easy" conversation I might like to have with you. I'm not sure what to do: I miss you terribly, I want desperately to talk to you, but I still feel hurt and I still feel like I have a dignity for myself that I won't let be compromised. Can you help me? I do want to "be with you" today..." And he replied, "Dear L., Of course, I will help you.  How about no pre-conditions for conversations?  Y., C. "

So, we did end up having our "conversation" which lasted for two hours that afternoon and then again for another hour later in the evening. 

I tried to make him understand my feelings of hurt and I think he wanted to be able to help me, wanted to be able to understand, but I felt like he just didn't. This exchange was the one where I felt he was most callous: "I hope you had understood I was asking you to cut me some slack and let me sort out a difficult situation.  Do you really expect me to tell M., "Sorry, there is someone else in my life now."  If so, I am sorry to disappoint, but I simply could not do that." Well, yeah, I thought, that is exactly what I wanted you to do! 

I mean that was just the worst email of the three hours, the rest of our conversation was worthwhile and fulfilling for me, but that one email stuck with me long after our "chat" with each other ended. And, finally, I think that was the email that made believe that I really needed to cut myself off cold turkey from him. I mean, why should he be allowed to "have his cake and eat it too!"

We didn't "talk" on Sunday because of his schedule and that gave me the time to think more thoroughly about what it was I needed to do. So, yesterday I ended up writing him this email.

I thought it was a good "break up" letter but I am now not so sure that it was, or wasn't. I'm confused, as I did not expect to hear back from C. for sometime... maybe a very long time... I was wrong...

Now, I'm left with thinking I may be the worse break-up-letter-writer EVER!!!

But, who knows, maybe he will write me back telling him that he will now use the example of my one-sided correspondence with him, while he was "away" from me those many months, with his childhood love, so as to allow her the chance of knowing what his true feelings are for her!

At this point, I'm not sure what, if anything, could surprise me anymore... but I have a feeling something will...

Soap Opera

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning." ~ Ivy Baker Priest

Good Lord! I feel like I'm in the middle of a Soap Opera! I would rather watch a Soap Opera than feel like I'm one of the main characters in the show...

This is one of the latest emails I have gotten from C.

In a state

FROM: C.
TO: L. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012 1:39 PM

DOD LINK

Dear L., I confess, I am in a state.  I miss talking to you.  

Y., C.

Abandoment

"Live to the point of tears." ~ Albert Camus

A few post back I had said that Job, from the bible, had come to mind as I was feeling so miserable about what Life was throwing at me. I said that although I was not well-versed in the bible I knew that God had let the Devil tempt Job in his Faith and that Job, would not give in, would not allow his faith in God to be taken from him. I said that I would need to read the story in the bible to really know what happened.

Well, I did go in search of a bible. I asked my mom if there were a bible around the house that I could take and she directed me to a drawer where I found one. I did read the story of Job and it was a blessing to read of his faith in God in the face of ALL misery! He wasn't perfect; he had wished that he had never been born so that he might not be bearing such heartache, but he never gave up, even when he most wanted to. His faith in God was too strong.

But what I really wanted to say was that when I opened this bible a small piece of paper fell out. On the paper was a prayer that was written in my mom's handwriting; a prayer she must have felt drawn to at one time (I can't tell how long ago it was written but the bible is twenty-five years old). The Prayer is titled: Prayer of Abandonment to God. I would like to share it because it is exactly the prayer I most need to be saying to God right now; the one I will be saying...

Prayer of Abandonment to God

Father,

I abandon myself into your hands; do with me what you will. Whatever you may do, I thank you: I am ready for all; I accept all. Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures -- I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul: I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love you Lord, and so need to give myself, to surrender myself into your hands, without reserve, and with boundless confidence,

For you are my Father.

Amen.

Update on C.

"Dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt before, sing as though no one can hear you, live as though heaven is on earth." ~ Souza

Well, I told you that I would give an update on things with C. if/when they developed. I did finally get an email from C. four days after I wrote to him that I no longer felt that he deserved me.

Here is our most recent correspondence.

Serendipity

"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved." ~ William Jennings Bryan

For some reason last night I checked online to see if there were anything interesting to watch on PBS. I saw that it was the last weekend to watch a show called, "Call The Midwife," which was based on the memories of a midwife in a poverty- stricken part of London in the late 1950's. There were only six, one-hour episodes, so I got right on it, watching three episodes last night and the last three tonight. 

The reason I titled this blog, Serendipity, is because I feel like that is exactly what it was that made me go to the PBS website last night (I hadn't watched any PBS show online since Downton Abbey at least eight months ago!). The reason I say that it was serendipitous was that after I watched the show it amazed me to see how many woman got pregnant and had their healthy babies after age 40 - no IVF - no hospitals!

In the same vein, I happened to re-pick up a book I had started a half a year ago, but could not seem to get into so put down for some other one. This book is called, Sarah's Key, and is about a journalist married to a Frenchman, living in Paris. The story is about her discovering a period of French history regarding the Holocaust that she was unaware of. But outside the interest of that particular part of the book was another serendipitous event: this woman journalist - the main character - has found out she is pregnant at age 45! 

Anyway, I just thought of these two encounters, of randomly watching a t.v. series and equally of picking up a particular book, at this time, as being the kind of "signs" that I feel are coming to me to tell me: keep plodding on L., just keep plodding on...

Catfish

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~ Marilyn Monroe

Hmm... this is a documentary film I should probably make a point of seeing...

But really if this were true of C., I'd actually probably understand everything much better. I think it would be a relief, instead of what it is: grief!

Anyone as imaginative, intelligent, charismatic and as good of a writer as C., if he were a "fake," I would recommend immediately start writing his first novel and I would volunteer to find a publisher!

19 People Who Are Having A Way Worse Day Than You

"Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm." ~ Winston Churchill

Okay, so this has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the theme of my Dreaming Miracles journey of finding love later in life and then having a biological baby of my own, but after my hell of a week I so needed it for a laugh!!! 

*Deep Sigh*

"The vision seeker simply had to try again (when he had failed) persisting until he was rewarded, for as the Ojibwa saying had it: 'No man begins to be until he has seen his vision.'" - from the book, Spirit World

Last Sunday afternoon when, out of the clear blue, I got the email from C. telling me that he was intent on renewing and pursuing his relationship with his childhood love I felt like the guy in the movie, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (a great movie which I highly recommend!) who had a condition known as "locked-in" syndrome in which he lived with an almost totally paralyzed body. His mind worked perfectly, but nobody; none of the his doctors, nurses or caretakers knew, and he could only scream out at them in his mind. 

After I read C.'s, "Important" email my body felt like that "locked-in" syndrome - immobile - but my face felt on fire and my mind was screaming inside. Oh, God, what a horrible feeling overcame me. I did feel sick, weak and ill. 

Finally, when I felt like my body could move I went to my room and tried to lie down on my bed, but I couldn't, instead I just sat up on the side of it and continued to scream inside my head until the words started coming out of my mouth and I could hear me repeat over and over, with such strength and determination, "I'M NOT GIVING UP! I'M NOT GIVING UP! I'M NOT GIVING UP! Throw whatever on this particular journey You want at me, I AM NOT GIVING UP!"  I began to pace like a caged animal but forcefully kept saying, I WON'T LOSE MY FATIH! I WILL KEEP MY FATIH! I WILL NOT LOSE MY FATIH! 

Then, I quieted down, sat back on the side of my bed and said, inside my mind, "I'm tired of being on the Hero's Journey!"  My mind replied back increduously, "YOU CAN'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE QUEST!!!" and continued, "You can rest. Sit down on the stump of the fallen tree in the middle of the deep, dark forest, but you can not quit in the middle of the quest!"

I was reminded of two very different things. 

First, was the scene and line from the movie, A League of Their Own, about the first female professional baseball league, in which the coach, played by Tom Hanks, stares at the women in their woe-is-me, crying moment and he seems dumbfounded before he looks sharply at them and says, "There's no crying in baseball!" 

And second, Job, from the bible came into my head. As I've said before, I'm not really well versed on the bible, but I knew Job was the guy God tested to see how really strong he was in his faith. I think God let the Devil keep throwing misery, after misery, at Job and I think Job didn't give up. I'm not sure how things turned out with Job, I'll have to read the story, but I was pretty sure Job wouldn't give up his faith no matter how hard the Devil tried to make him do so. 

I felt like Job. I was dug in, I told myself. I might need to rest, but my feet were going to keep leading me down the path of my Dreaming Miracles journey and NOTHING was going to make me quit! NOTHING!!!

Sunny Day, Stormy Night

"Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not." - Paulo Coelho

I am definitely starting to believe that I have some psychic, or in the same vein, at the very least, intuitive, ability, and that it is becoming more pronounced. Maybe it's because I have been practicing the language of "signs" or maybe it was just there all along and I have only now become more aware of it. I am bringing up this "ability" for a few reasons of which you will shortly understand.

This past Sunday morning was a beautiful, clear, cool day where I live. I slept in late and lounged around even later. I started by reading the book I am now engrossed in, Sarah's Key, and I started crying after reading a passage. I asked myself, "Why are you crying so hard?" and answered, "Because Life is so beautiful and so ugly at the same time. How can that be?" 

I put the book down finally deciding that I had better get up and get going and started by putting on a gentle cycle of laundry to wash the top and pants that I had worn for Thanksgiving Day festivities which had a few spill stains here and there. Yep, my clothes told me I had had a good Turkey Day! 

I hadn't heard from C. since late Wednesday night when he had written a short email wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. He had told me on the Monday before Thanksgiving that he would be occupied with duties through Friday, but I had thought I would hear from him on Saturday and when that didn't happen I was definitely expecting to get a message from him on Sunday, which I did. Yay! 

I have become so used to him and seeing that I have a message in my inbox from him makes my heart beat just a little faster. In his email he told me he had been crazy busy for the last several days, had slept for the past 24 hours, needed to get caught up on logistic work and would look forward to "getting together" with me later in the afternoon. I felt happy. 

Then I went to get my nice clothes out of the wash and hang them to dry and I saw that one of my most favorite tops had a quarter-size bleach stain on it; it was ruined! I was really upset! I'm sure you know the feeling; on the one hand, trying to tell yourself it's only a shirt that's ruined, not a life, and on the other hand, feeling depressed because you don't have that many great tops and you can't afford to be buying more! I was just pissed off. Period. 

But since, as I said, it was such a lovely day, and because of the ruined top I felt like I had all this pent up frustration that I needed to be free of, I thought I would go and sit out on the deck in the bright sunshine and try to chill. 

Then, I thought, "L., you feel good enough today, why don't you try to go take a walk?" Well, I hadn't walked my old two mile route in probably close to a year-and-a-half, maybe even two, because of going through three knee surgeries and the rehab that went with that, and also dealing with feeling so poorly because of my constant bouts of nausea. But Sunday, midday, I did feel good enough, and I really needed to walk off my frustrated energy. 

It felt good to be out. My knee was doing fine even at the fast pace I was trying to force on it. I decided since it was my first attempt really getting at all physical in such a long time that I would just go a mile-and-a-half. I was listening to my iPod, enjoying the fresh air and thinking. 

A lot of my thinking was of C. and how happy I was to hear from him that morning after days of him being absent, and how much I looked forward to the afternoon when we could spend our time "together." And then, out of nowhere, a strange thought came into my mind. I thought, "Maybe you should take a break from C. for a month." I felt, what a weird thing to think! "Why would I want to do that?" I answered back, "What would be the reason for such a thing?" I had the vague feeling that it had something to do with it possibly making C. want me more, appreciate me even more deeply, but I already felt like he was extraordinarily generous in telling me how much he appreciated me as it was. But my mind persisted in making me wonder if it was a good thing that I was always making myself so readily available to him. I mean if he said, "Lets 'chat' at 2PM on Saturday," I was at my computer ready by noon! (Sometimes, our "conversations" would last for hours! We had really been able to spend a lot more time "together" even though his schedule was crazy and he was getting at most four or five hours asleep a night). But, my train of thinking continued to say to me, "Why would you spend any time away from him when you had spent all those months, when he was "gone," yearning for just such a chance to "be" with him as you are getting now?" So, I just chalked the thought up to strange, crazy, weird, not one that made sense, put it out of my mind, and kept on walking.

About a half hour after getting back home I did go out and sit in the sunshine on my deck. It felt glorious. I was still listening to my iPod and the sound of "ding" interrupted the music. I was like Pavlov's dog because that ding meant a message from C. had come in. Now every time I heard that ding my heart naturally started beating at a faster pace in anticipation of his words to me. Ding = faster heartbeat = feelings of falling in love...

In my last post I wrote, "I am still corresponding with C. and we have somehow managed to find our way back to each other. But I am not going to count on him. I did that before and I got hurt. That's not to say I'm going to discount him, just that, "once bitten, twice shy." I will let whatever happens with him happen. I'm not relying on him.." At the time I wasn't exactly sure why I wrote that about him as things between us had really heated up and been strengthened ten-fold. I hadn't really written a post about our burgeoning love for one another because I still felt too cautious, again, "once bitten, twice shy..." but it was definitely happening.

So when I heard that ding and knew it was C. back to spend time with me I felt joy. The subject of his email was, "Important" and I eagerly opened it up to read. 

As I read his email the beautiful day suddenly felt as if it were overcome by night, with dark, stormy clouds blotting out the sun. And as I continued to read it was like a bolt of thunderous lightning had struck me and I felt paralyzed.

This is what his email said. 

Red Light Green Light

"The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it." ~ Moliere

Okay, I just had to let out a deep sigh before I started writing because once again it just feels like my life is at a complete standstill and I don't know how to get it moving.  My first thought after just writing that previous line was, "That's just it; maybe you shouldn't be trying to get it moving!" 

*Deep sigh* I don't know what it is I am supposed to do (or not do!).

I am still corresponding with C. and we have somehow managed to find our way back to each other. But I am not going to count on him. I did that before and I got hurt. That's not to say I'm going to discount him, just that, "once bitten, twice shy." I will let whatever happens with him happen. I'm not relying on him.. But then, where does that leave me? Seemingly back  to square one (it seems like maybe it's square one billion by now!). 

H.B. said he hadn't received my "three strikes" email (of course I didn't call it that name to him!) so I guess that will be my next move, to send him that email once again. 

Other than that, I think I am just going to have sit at the red light and wait until it turns green again... 

Period.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

It's day 36 and I finally had my period come. Yay!!! 

I know it came late because of the probability that I ovulated multiple times during the month. And that I felt like I was ovulating on day 20 is most likely what happened because my period tends to start 16 days after I ovulate. 

I'm not going to dwell on why my period was so messed up. I'm just going to keep positive about the things that are within my control and work (it takes work with me!) on my faith that God's will for my life does include a baby in my future. But as always, I will say to Him (as hard as it is to give up what it is I want!), "Thy will be done!"

Upon Further Reflection

"Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something... Find it and keep it lit!" ~ Mary Lou Retton

I've had a little more time to reflect on my previous blog post and two things jumped out at me. 

One, the woman, Antonia Leticia Asti, had done her IVF and frozen her embryos ten years ago, which means she was fifty or fifty-one when she had gone through that process! 

Second, her doctor, Orlando de Castro Neto, is the kind of doctor ALL older woman trying to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby/babies need to have. I LOVED it when he said of the new, older mother, Antonia, "She is an example to be followed and the personification of perseverance," he added, "She did something that most people can't manage," and concluded with this bit of wisdom, "The hardest things in life are the most gratifying." 

Amen!

Perseverance!

"The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground. " ~ Unknown

Nothing like getting a shot of hope when you start feeling a little hopeless!

32

"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about." ~ Unknown

Today is day 32 and I still haven't had my period. I know that within the last four years I've had my period come on day 31, but I don't ever recall it being as late as day 32. 

Every ounce of me wants to feel anxiety and freak-the-hell-out! But every time I get that feeling of stress; of doubt, I just have to remind myself: FAITH! And after I remind myself to keep the faith of mustard seed, I say to God, "Thy will be done." 

What more can I do than to believe that God's will for my life is perfect; that His plan for me on this Dreaming Miracles journey is to show me how perfect plays out! 

I knew the past month's cycle was a strange one. First, I did an ovulation test stick on day seven and it came up positive. I didn't feel any symptoms but I usually find that those happen two days after I get the positive sign that I'm ovulating. The symptoms that I feel are usually just a slight achiness in my ovary area (most often on my right side). I was going to do the test on day eight just to double-check the result of the day before but my ovulation stick didn't work so I couldn't find out. Then on day eleven I actually did feel my right ovary area become achy and so I was sure I was ovulating, but then the same thing happened again on day sixteen, and again on day twenty! 

I had told my doctor about the ovulation pattern I was experiencing up to the day sixteen mark (I didn't have an appointment with her to let her know of the day twenty achiness) and she said that older woman often ovulate more than once during the month, which is why twins often result.

So, at that point I was still feeling okay. I was still thinking my period would be later than its "normal" twenty-six day cycle but that it would come. Now, I'm just *deep sigh* hoping that I do have a period and that next month I get back to some normalcy. 

It is so frustrating when you want something so badly you can taste it, smell it, feel it, and yet it's not real enough for you to touch it!

All I can do is keep doing the things that are within my control; having faith and being positive the highest priority on that list. 

Dreaming Miracles is a journey of faith and, trust me, my faith isn't going to fail me now : )

I C.

"The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes us patient, sensitive, and Godlike. It teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."
~ Helen Keller

Well, I did hear back from C. 

In one of my last post, I linked to my response to C.s explanation of why he had had a change of heart on being my sperm donor. In that response I had "called him out" on many of the major things he had said to me which led me to believe in him; to feel confident in his truth to me.

I did write to him and email in between the "it wasn't pretty" email and in that one I really just explained my trying to come to terms with the hurt I felt because of his reversal of thought.

And truthfully, he did a much better job of explaining what is was that made him change from being so excited about making a baby with me to the opposite - not wanting to make a baby with me. I was really thankful for that because I knew that it would help me find the closure that I needed with him.

I am going to do what I have been doing and just let you in on how things went by letting you read our email exchanges. It will just give you more insight on my life and how it is going; what I am thinking and what I am feeling.

So, if you are interested here are the latest email exchanges that C. and I have had.

And Now the Rest of the Story...

"God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them. " - Unkown

Okay, this was an interesting article about this man possibly being the world's oldest father at 96 years of age! But read the rest of the story and find out what to me is the more interesting part of the article: the mother!

Artwork

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Back when I had not heard from C. for nearly three months and I started writing my emails to him as if they were Dear Diary entries (which they seemed to feel like more than any kind of actual correspondence) I wrote the following email to him:

Friday, September 7, 2012 4:53 PM

Dear Diary, 

I meant to say that I finished reading the Madonnas of Leningrad. The story did take place mostly in the Hermitage, but forwarded in time to an island off of Seattle. It was a good book, but I think I preferred the two previous ones I had read (Snow Falling on Cedars and Snow Flower and the Secret Fan). Although, I must say it was interesting to learn about a place and event in time that I had little, if any, knowledge of. Anyway, because the book was called the Madonnas of Leningrad, in part due to the detailed remembrance of all the most famously painted Madonnas that hung on the Hermitage's walls, I thought that I would share my Madonnas. 

I have painted several Madonnas with Child over the years. I have always loved the Masters paintings of that image. I'm Catholic - a church which highly honors Mary - but outside of that fact, it strikes a cord... a mother loving her child... However, I am not a trained artist so I consider mine "naive" art - art that is not only from an unskilled painter, but done with a simple-minded view of the subject. I love "naive" art. I consider much folk art to be "naive" and feel a great connection to that expression. I'm not in love with my art, but I do *like* it. When I used to "produce" it I would write a prayer* on the back of each piece, one from my own thoughts and heart, as a gift for the recipient. It was an interesting time in my life...

So, I am attaching my Madonnas. Some of which I like, others, not as much, but all done with love. One of my Madonnas is missing (it's just not uploaded to my laptop) and it is my "modern" Madonna. I like it's "new ageyness" but it's not for everyone. Oh, but I am throwing in my angel - or rather, my interpretation of an angel : )

---------------------------------------------------

Later, after C. had been re-deployed to that part of the world most in need of his expertise I wrote this: 

Sunday, October 7, 2012 1:10 AM

From: L. 

To: C.

Here's another piece of artwork I've done (did you have a chance to view my Madonnas?) The piece is simple, but I used the old shutters from my 1930's home in __________ as my framing. I like this piece because at the time I made it it was pretty unique. I like it during the day without the lights, but at night when it is lit (there are small white lights strung behind it) it is so bright and colorful it makes me feel like Christmas everyday! : ) You seem to have such refined taste (at least in your classical music selections) that my simple folk-type of art may not appeal to your senses... art is so subjective... which, after all, is quite the "special" part of its existence; there is some beauty represented in art works that any individual person may find they have an attraction to....

Hoping you are well (and doing well!)

L 
----------------------------------------------------

And finally, today, probably because of how strong and harsh my last email to C. was and because I do deeply care for him and want him to do and be well while he is so far away, in such a dangerous part of the world, I wrote:

Monday, October 15, 2012 6:03 PM

Hey! I have a few minutes before I show a property at _______________. I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to give myself to get out to the place (and find it!) as it is some distance from where I live. On the drive my mind just kept going to you, wondering how you are, how things are going? I have such strong beliefs in your professional abilities - that you are a treasure to the ___________ (whether they say so or not!) - I have no worries about that, but I do worry about you personally... that you are okay...

I'm going to send you a photo of the rooster I painted around the time my mom had her illness. It was my first attempt at doing a reversed-glass painting on plexi-glass. I really didn't know what I was doing and I got kind of impatient with the whole thing; I didn't like the finished product at all! But my counselor (I was seeing a counselor at that time because going through my mother's illness with her - taking care of her was a full time job - so I often felt as if I were on a sinking ship being dragged down to depths I wasn't sure I would be able to surface from) suggested I paint something to relieve some of my stress and anxiety. Because she had been my impetus for doing the painting I took it in to her office to show her and since I disliked it so much, and she seemed to like it, I gave it to her. She propped it up against her bookcase just behind where she sat but in view of where her patients faced her.

The next time I went back to her the rooster was still there and I asked her, why, as she had told me she meant to take it home. She said she ended up not being able to take it home because every patient that came in that day and during the rest of the week commented on it! She was amazed that it brought out so many different thoughts from each of them! She was really flabbergasted about it... she said she now felt like she couldn't take it home; her patients had become too attached to it! I thought that that was so strange, but interesting... 

In the end, somehow, I too came around to actually *liking* my rooster! I'm am sending it to you to cheer you up! It's such a funny looking thing...

I really miss you...

L

In the Meantime...

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." ~ Robert F. Kennedy

I called H.B. yesterday. I just said f' it and told myself that my "option one" needed to be played out to its finally conclusion. I hadn't talked to him in so long (at least six months). And because it has now been a year since I last saw him I wasn't exactly sure if I would bring up the subject of him getting me pregnant or not. I knew I wanted to, but I felt like I needed to "feel" if the moment to do so would come, or if I would have to wait for another conversation on another day. So we just chatted and got caught up on each other's lives. 

I was sitting outside on my deck drinking a beer (needed that rx for courage!) and while we were talking I spotted a rare albino squirrel climbing from one tree branch to another. It is fascinating to see something so rare and I mentioned to H.B. how unique it was. And if you've been reading my blog for very long you know my feelings about signs: I am always looking for them! I just view signs as something that are uncommon, or out of place, but that your attention is drawn to for reasons that may not make sense, but that connect within your consciousness nevertheless. So, you won't be surprised when I tell you I took seeing the rare white squirrel as a sign!

The rareness of the moment, while I was on the phone talking with H.B., is what in the end gave me the courage to broach the subject of him being my sperm donor again. I kind of threw it in at the end of our conversation so it wasn't in a way where he could respond with a yes or no answer. I really didn't want him to make a response at that moment anyway. I want him to think on it. To know that I am still thinking of him on it. 

Later in the evening I began writing him an email. I didn't send it off right away because I wanted to sleep on it and revise it if needed. Today, I re-read it and didn't revise any of it. I sent it as it was originally written. He had mentioned, in our conversation, that his email had been "acting" up and was frustrating him, so that may be a problem in him actually receiving my email, but if I don't here from him in the next two weeks I'll call him again. He is still presently my "option one" until, and if, he takes himself off the table. This is my third attempt at asking him to be my donor and if he says, "No," then that will be my third strike and I won't try again.

Life is an interesting experience, I'll just have to wait and see how this particular experience plays out...

Here is the email I sent to H.B. It would come as an enormous shock if H.B. were to say, "Yes," to my proposal. But Dreaming Miracles is all about the journey of seeking miracles out, even in places where it might seem an impossibility to find one. I'm going to keep seeking my miracles until the day comes when I finally find mine!

To C. or Not to C.

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were." - Kahlil Gibran

C. finally responded to the lengthy email I had sent him earlier. I guess I got an answer to my question of why he changed his mind, but not really what the circumstances he actually went through to make him do so. I didn't get an answer to my question of what he really thinks of me. But at least he wrote and then I got my chance to write back! It wasn't pretty! 

We'll see if I've scared him off for good or not... maybe that would be the best thing anyway... if I can manage at this time to take a second punch to my gut, because at this point just the thought of not being able to communicate with him would be another great loss. 

The P.S. in the email I wrote back to him might be TMI, I deleted (with the blank lines) some of the more graphic sexual language used (by him and by me), or just information that I can't reveal for various reasons (I'm trying to be as truthful as I can in this blog but I can't reveal everything!). I do try to give as much detail as I can just to give you that much more awareness into how I actually feel and react to C. (and to everything else going on in this Dreaming Miracles process - the good and bad!).

I'll keep you posted if I do ever hear back from C.

Strange Store

"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar." ~ Helen Keller

My previous post was about how I got that out-of-the-blue call from my doctor's nurse suggesting that my doctor might know of a sperm donor who was offering his donation to me. 

Well, can I just say it was interesting: it's my doctor's ex-boyfriend! He had told her he has banked sperm but was going to quit paying the yearly charges because he had decided he didn't want anymore children (I found out he has two younger boys - probably about nine and eleven). He has been divorced but he did get custody of his kids and has been raising them on his own for some time, which just tells me that he is at least a responsible person. 

However, I'm not really attracted to him. I mean, he's okay. But I really was hoping to find someone who I would definitely be attracted to. He's a pretty big guy and I think he he thinks he's all that. It's funny because I've never been introduced to him, but had seen him around the office a bit when they had been dating. I don't know. I told Dr. M. I felt like it would be worth paying the $200 storage fee for the year as it would give me a little more time to consider it. But of course time is where I need my greatest amount of faith. God, I don't know what I'm doing. I can only hope God knows what God is doing!

Out of the Blue

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." ~ Japanese Proverb

I got a call the other day from the nurse at my General Practice doctor's office. She said in her message that Dr. M. knew of a guy who had frozen some sperm in case he wanted to have more children, but he has decided he doesn't want any more and was going to let the frozen sperm expire. In the the message the nurse described the guy as being tall, with blond hair and blue eyes. Well, I didn't get the message until a few days later (having lost my phone!), but I will be having an appointment with Dr. M. this afternoon and will find out more details, i.e., are the sperm still available, what does the guy actually look like, what kind of family situation does he presently have, and basically what kind of guy is he in general - intelligent? kind? industrious? - just basically what are the traits that he would be passing on via his sperm? 

Who knows... I just found it curious that this scenario was even presenting itself in my life at this time. 

I'll have my appointment and see if there are any further details worth sharing.