Faith vs Fantasy

Sometimes I have to wonder if there is just a thin line between faith and fantasy. A definition of fantasy is: the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable. A definition of faith is: a firm belief in something for which there is no proof.

When I get down about my quest I ask myself if I'm just living in a fantasy; believing that I can create from nothing - something - especially when it seems that all of the experts tell me it is, if not impossible, then, improbable. But faith tells me to believe even when it's hard to believe.

A story that came to mind when I was thinking about the fine line between faith and fantasy is the one about a religious man who was caught in his house during a flood.

The water quickly rose from just an inch or two to the point where it was rushing around his ankles. He prayed fervently, "God please save me." Soon thereafter his neighbors came by in a truck and told him to come with them to safety. He said, "No thanks, God will save me."

As the flood waters got higher and more forceful he climbed the stairs to the second floor. A man in a boat came by and offered to take him to safety. He declined, telling the man "God will save me."

Soon the man found himself up to his neck in water and made his way out onto the roof. After a time a rescue helicopter appeared overhead and a man dropped down a rope ladder. Even though the water was threatening to carry him away the man waved the helicopter off, "I'm a man of faith. God will save me!"

Finally, the man drowned.

Next thing he knew, he was in heaven, where he was greeted by God. "Why didn't you save me?" he asked God. "I tried," God answered, "I sent your neighbors, I sent a boat, and I sent a helicopter!"

To me this story represents that fine line between faith and fantasy. The man's faith was strong. He knew the power of prayer. It wasn't a fantasy to believe that God could save him. But he got stuck on how exactly God should save him. The fantasy was that he was only open to one way for God to help him - his way.

I guess what I need to stay focused on is that there is power in prayer. I just need to be open to, and ready for, whatever God's answer to that prayer is, even if it isn't how I picture it. When God is trying to help me I can either sit idly by waiting for what I have in mind to occur, or take advantage of what God has in mind and what He presents me with.

A Year Ago

A year ago I was desperate. I had been trying for a long time to figure out how to attain my heart's desire: finding a husband and getting pregnant with my own eggs.

Things weren't working out. A few months earlier, Life had thrown me a curveball. My mom had had a serious medical emergency that required me to give her full-time care. I'll write more about that in a future post, but suffice it to say, one good thing that came out of her ordeal was that it made me more determined than ever to try to get the life I wanted.

For the past two years I had been reading everything I could regarding pregnancy later in life. The statistics were dismal, the doctors spouting the statistics were dismal, so I just started skipping over those parts of the articles. Truly, I don't think it was an attempt to put my head in the sand, so much as my way of saying, "Enough already. Yes, world of conventional medical doctors I hear you, but once is fine. I have noted your enthused unenthusiasm for anyone over forty attempting pregnancy and now I will be moving on. Thank you for causing me to want to beat the hell of out of every dismal statistic you've got in your statistical-nightmare arsenal."

I finally made an appointment with my new doctor, Dr. M, whom I knew had gotten pregnant with her son later in life (she has been my mom's doctor for the past ten years). She is a medical doctor who practices Integrative medicine.

I told Dr. M my dream: that I wanted to get pregnant. I explained how I really was hoping (praying) that I would meet the right guy, fall in love and have a baby, but since that wasn't happening so far, my next thought was to try to freeze my eggs. My thinking has always been that if I didn't have a husband yet, it didn't mean I wouldn't ever have him. And if I could meet him in the next couple of years and I had viable eggs frozen, then maybe I could still have the family I hoped for.

I had never tried to get pregnant before and I had never had any fertility test done so I had no idea what to expect. At forty-five years old, I have to say, I was pretty scared of what the outcome would be. I was preparing myself for beating the odds no matter how poorly my results were.

In my research I wasn't finding clinics that would take a women over forty (and certainly not forty-five) in their egg freezing program. But after numerous phone calls to clinics all over the country I finally found a Big City one that would be willing to do the procedure. I set up a phone conference appointment to talk with the clinic's doctor. He asked me questions and explained to me the egg freezing process. He also noted the expense of the procedure - $9,500 - not including the fertility medicines which would cost $3000 more. He said at my age I would be lucky to get two viable eggs; the more I got the better my odds of success would be. Sometime during our conversation he said the statistics for a woman my age to have a successful pregnancy was one percent. I said it was my intention to be in that one percent. He laughed. They sent me all the information regarding what testing needed to be done.

So when I went to Dr. M with my plan she was completely supportive. She gave me the name of a local fertility clinic where I could start the initial testing.

I went and met with the fertility doctor, got all my blood work done to measure my hormone levels and did a clomid "challenge" to see how I responded to that fertility drug. My results would be gathered and I set up an appointment to meet with the doctor in one months time.

I tried to be positive throughout the experience but it's easier said than done. I was worried. At my age I was preparing myself for the worst and planning how to overcome whatever bad outcome might be presented. But I was also hoping beyond hope for some good outcome. A miracle.

When the time came for my results appointment I was nervous, but faith-filled. I was called into the doctors personal office and, unbeknownst to me, I was greeted by the clinic's head doctor whom I had never met. I was surprised and a little intimidated. I felt small sitting there. My life's dream was being laid out in front of this doctor and he seemed big and imposing with his ability to either crush it or keep the flame lit. He began by talking about fertility and statistics and all the while my mind was just praying for it not to be too late.

Finally, he said how surprised he was to see the good results of my fertility testing given my age. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. At that moment it was as if God laid a gentle kiss on the top of my head and said, "You see, I told you everything will be alright." The doctor went on to explain all of the options that the fertility clinic offered and told me that if I wanted to do an intrauterine insemination using donor sperm my fertility was good enough to warrant doing it right away.

Wow. It is so good to get good news! But I told this fertility doctor that I really wanted to just continue on with trying to get my eggs frozen. Although he explained the still experimental nature of that procedure, he was willing to assist the clinic that I found in the Big City.

As I got in my car to drive home I felt so relieved that it wasn't bad news. At forty-five I was still fertile enough to get and maintain a pregnancy. It didn't mean that I would, but it was a good start. It was amazing to me. I had a long journey ahead and it was a godsend that I could start the journey in as good a position as anyone my age could expect. One dragon slain, more to go, the next being how to get the thousands of dollars needed for the procedure.